Guess how things went down ‘round these parts yesterday morning?

a) Julia missed her bus and I had to haul ass to get her to school

b) Foxy peed on Julia's butterfly carpet

c) Oliver sat at the dining room table, bit in to every apple in the fruit bowl and then tossed them across the living room floor

d) My neighbour’s dog pissed on my leg

If you guessed D, YOU’RE RIGHT! All the other stuff happened on Tuesday morning. (No, really)

So yeah. I’m standing at the bus stop with Julia and Oliver, waiting for Julia’s bus, and I’m chatting with my neighbour, whose son also goes to Julia’s school. She had her dog with her; after greeting him with a little behind-the-ear scratching I didn’t pay him much mind, though I was vaguely aware of him sniffing my right shoe incessantly.

And then I heard my neighbour gasp and suck in her breath sharply. “Oh!” she exclaimed.

Then, a little louder: “OH!”

And then I felt warmth on my leg, of the liquid variety.

I looked first at my neighbour and then down at the big wet spot spreading across my pant leg.

“Wow," I said. "I’ve never been peed on before.” And then I burst out laughing. I mean, what the hell else was I supposed to do? My neighbour looked like she wanted the road to open her up and swallow her whole, and I think her son was suitably embarrassed, too. She was apologizing all over the place, but I told her not to worry about it. It's the sort of thing that I know will happen to me one day: Foxy will just up and piss on some unsuspecting mom waiting with her kids at the bus stop. There are some things in life you just can’t control, like when – and where – your dog wants to take a leak. 

So I laughed it off – made some comment about how it was the second time in twelve hours I'd been peed on, Oliver had peed all over me when I'd checked on him the night before, ha ha ha, hardy har har.

(I took it a lot better than the one and only time a bird shit on me: I was in the fourth grade and I was so mortified that I’d been targeted by a shithawk, I locked myself in a bathroom stall and sobbed uncontrollably.)

One of the first things I did when I got home, changed my clothes and washed my leg was email Katie to tell her that HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT PISSED ON, WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Her reply:

WHAT THE FUCK

OK – true story: On my very first day of school my parents decided for some reason to take a picture of me with my neighbours dog Charlie (small boxer) – I stood next to him, dad snapped the picture and the little fucker lifted his leg and pissed on me.

Apparently we both look like fire hydrants.

My immediate thought after reading that was, "Thank god I'm not the only one."

My plan for today is to get through the day without getting urinated on. Here's hoping I'm successful. 

32 Comments | In: aw, shit! | tags: do I look like a fire hydrant to you?, the joys of dogs, when bad things happen to good people, WTF?. | #