A word of warning, my friends: Don’t start cleaning out the fridge while you’re waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave. Because if you do, you might come across a little blue container of hot sauce that your husband got from a guy he works with. A container with the words Ass in the Tub – Special reserve written across the front, and ARMAGEDDON scrawled underneath that.

But if you do happen to come across a little blue container of Ass in the Tub while you’re waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave, don’t pick it up and shake it around and check to see if it’s a Tupperware container before putting it back in the fridge and getting the Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream out of the freezer. Because, as it turns out, a little Ass in the Tub smeared on your fingertips looks surprisingly similar to Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream.

If you’re like me, you wouldn’t want even the tiniest bit of Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream to go to waste, so you’d probably lick it off of your fingers. And then your eyes would start watering and you’d get a tickle in your throat. You’d start coughing and drooling excessively, and then you’d start choking on your own drool.

And then your son would come in the kitchen to see what the hell was wrong with his mother and realize that you were trying to be all stealth and have a delicious treat without him knowing, and the fuckin’ jig would be up. If your son was anything like mine he’d grab your bowl of warm apple streusel and Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream and walk off with it, leaving you hunched over the kitchen sink choking on Ass in the Tub.

So, to summarize: Don’t be an asshole and start cleaning out the fridge while you're waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave like I did on Saturday.

38 Comments | In: aw, shit! | tags: ass in the tub, hot sauce, idiocy, the jig is up. | #