Oliver’s new full-time schedule is starting to catch up with him. He’s been cranky and irritable, difficult to deal with. More often than not he either doesn’t listen, or ignores us completely. School has been a big adjustment for him, one that is beginning to wear him out a bit.
Me, too.
I could hear him and Julia in the den yesterday morning while I was making their lunches. One minute they were playing and the next, Oliver had thumped Julia over something and she was whining. Then they immediately switched roles – she’d kicked him back, and suddenly he was the one protesting.
I stood at the counter rolling ham and cheese wraps, took a deep breath and reminded myself that in half an hour they’d be on the bus and I’d be rewarded with my laptop, another cup of coffee and silence. The day stretched out in front of me, open like the road. Less than a half hour to go, I thought.
Less than a half hour later I was on the couch with my necessities: laptop, a cup of coffee and the TV remote. I sat down, but I was restless; couldn’t sit still. I started a load of laundry and wandered around, picking things up here, putting them down there. I straightened a pile of papers on the counter; tucked the dog food container underneath the china cabinet. I went upstairs to the bathroom, where I plucked a few stray eyebrow hairs and absentmindedly straightened the hand towels. I wound up in Julia’s room, leaning against the windowsill, crying.
It felt so strange, being at home alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt empty, and a bit lost, and at that moment all I could bring myself to do was stand in Julia’s bedroom and cry at her window. The house was so quiet, too quiet. It made me feel out of place and incredibly lonely.
I miss the kids, and I miss Oliver. I miss him like crazy.
It’s going to take me quite a while to adjust to not spending my days with him. We’ve pretty much spent the last two years together, Oliver and I, and getting used to day-to-day life without him is going to be quite an adjustment. One that I don’t think I’ll get used to any time soon; an adjustment that, when I’m staring it straight in the face, makes my heart flutter and my eyes well up.
When he gets off the bus he is absolutely exhausted. He doesn’t want to sit and snuggle, he wants a snack and a drink. He doesn’t want to sit beside me on the couch and tell me about his day, he wants to watch SpongeBob and play with Julia instead. He gets annoyed when I ask him questions about his classroom, pushes me away when I lean in to kiss his cheek. I miss him when he’s not here, desperately, and lately I find myself missing him when he is here, too.
Sending my youngest off to school has been, without a doubt, one of the proudest and most bittersweet moments of my parenting career thus far.
22 Comments, Comment or Ping
this made me tear up.
i know this has to have been hard for you.
big hugs, mama.
BIIIIIIIIIIG hugs.
September 24th, 2009
You know, if you’re in that rough of shape, you can always drive over to our place and visit with my son. (Added bonus: he can’t run away from you yet, but he will use your pants for leverage to stand, so make sure you’ve got a belt on.)
Somewhat related: when my daughter gets home from school we sit around the table and she eats the food from her lunch (the majority of which she forgets to eat during the day and is therefore ravenous by the time she gets home) and we talk. The problem is she talks so much about school that I have to tell my wife to stop asking questions so the kid can eat!
September 24th, 2009
Aw, poor mama. This is pretty much what it’s like when you go back to work after mat leave. It sucks. You’ll miss them. That’s the truth. But, soon, you’ll have all adjusted, and while it won’t make those hourse between hometime and bed any less cranky or trying, you will indeed start to appreciate drinking your coffee while it’s hot, as well as getting some uninterrupted work done.
September 24th, 2009
*hug*
September 24th, 2009
Seems like the proud and the bittersweet are inseparable when it comes to the kiddos. Isn’t there some saying that goes something like, “if you succeed in raising your children they leave you”???
September 24th, 2009
Sam just started preschool 2 days a week. It’s only 9-12 so I really don’t have time to miss him yet. But next year is full day kindergarten. And I know I’ll miss him terribly. You’ll all get adjusted soon.
September 24th, 2009
Awwww, sweetie. You are SUCH a mom. :)
It will come along, and you will adjust. And brand new things will fill your time and mind, and you may even find a little of your old self again in these moments. Only they will be even better, because your kids have changed you. Embrace it!
At least, this is what i tell myself.
;)
September 24th, 2009
Oh, mama this was so sweet
September 24th, 2009
Oh man, what a post! That totally made me emotional.
This will be me in a few years and let me tell you, I am not looking forward to it.
As much as we try, it is hard not to lose a bit of ourselves when we are home with our kids. We give our all to our children and with that goes a bit of us. I guess it will take a bit of time for you to find that bit and do something new with it.
You will figure out your new groove, just be patient!
I totally get where you are coming from though.
I still have one home with me when Bunny is off at JK, but man is it ever an adjustment and quiet!!!
September 25th, 2009
Sniff. My “baby” is eight years old, but I am happy to say he still lets me hug him, but like Oliver he needs his downtime right afterschool. It is so very bittersweet, we want them to grow and be independent, but we still need them to need us. Sending you hugs.
September 25th, 2009
I totally get this. 100%.
this was me, last month, when I sent Miss Isabella off to school and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
September 25th, 2009
You are such a good mama! Usually kids adjust so much better to change than we do.
September 25th, 2009
I’m sorry you miss your boy-o.
He’ll always love his mama, though.
Even if he tries to hide the fact from his friends.
Hang in there.
September 26th, 2009
oh. this melted me.
it’s when mine are asleep that i tear up for them, that i’m struck with the need to cuddle them and have more time.
i’d like more. but when i have it i seem to fill it with shit to do. which seems stupid, when they’re asleep.
September 27th, 2009
Oh, Kindergarten kicked both of my kids butts right up until Christmas at least. Even my youngest who is a lightening spark came home drained and definitely less than sparky. My oldest was still napping several hours an afternoon at age 6 so his adjustment was harder. After a few weeks of butting heads, I simply put out a snack and juice and let him do his thing in his room. He’d come find me when he was ready to talk and snug a bit.
Even now, 4 years later, he still heads to his room for awhile and emerges when he feels human again…as he puts it. It gets better. It just takes time.
Hang in there!
Trish
September 28th, 2009
You’re a wonderful mom.
September 29th, 2009
Hug x
September 30th, 2009
This makes me so sad. This is in my future, and I know I’ll ever be ready for it.
Even though it’s not the same, I’d sit with you on the couch anytime. And the day will come again when he, too, wants to sit with you.
October 1st, 2009
You are a great mom; it’s so hard to watch them grow.
October 1st, 2009
Aw hun. I have nothing to offer except: I know.
*hugs*
If it’s any consolation, I’d let you kiss me. ;)
October 2nd, 2009
Bittersweet. I remember the sending them off and finding my new groove. IT took a while. My heart panged. But I can tell you, I didn’t hesitate to fill my day when they set off this first day of school this year. We’re all growing, even us big people.
xo
erin
October 3rd, 2009
I hear you. My kids are still in the midst of our school’s very gradual phase-in. It finally dawned on me today that, soon, I am not going to be in that classroom with them. I have no idea what I’m going to do.
October 6th, 2009
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