He was still on our street when he called me the first time. I know, because I asked.
“Have you even turned off of our street yet?” I said when I picked up the phone.
“No,” I heard him say all casual-like, and I rolled my eyes.
He’d taken the day off, had made this big to-do about me having some time to myself that afternoon. “I’ll take the boy out for a bit,” he’d said earlier that morning, his voice kind of breathy, a little bit Father of the Year. “You go ahead and have an afternoon, babe,” and he’d sort of patted my arm when he said have an afternoon. From behind the mound of laundry I was folding I told him that would be great; that I was going to do some writing while they were gone. I appreciated the time, because it’s hard to focus on writing when the kids are at home and not drugged sleeping; I have no idea why.
And then – there we were, not thirty seconds after his departure with Oliver, on the phone, so he could let me know that the guy installing the Smart Meters was coming to our house next. Because we live in a house with no windows whatsoever.
I got off the phone, poured myself a glass of water, sat down at my laptop and started to write. Less than ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Dave, again, wondering if I’d thought of what I wanted for my birthday yet. My father had been looking for ideas, he said. Did I have any?
I told him I’d think of some things while he was gone, hung up and got back to work. I’d been at it for about fifteen minutes, had just eased myself in to a nice little groove, when…
The phone rang. Again. And it was Dave, again, calling to tell me that he’d lost the grocery list I’d written that morning, and could I email whatever I remembered from the list to his Blackberry?
So I put my groove on hold and recounted the list (which was harder than I thought and made me feel kind of pathetic in an I can’t remember a goddamn thing anymore kind of way) and turned back to my work. Again. But I struggled to recapture the wonderful groove I’d built, and eventually I found myself sprawled in the overstuffed chair by the living room window, engaged in a crushing UNO tournament on my iPod and a packet of chocolate fudge Pop Tarts. I just needed to, you know, regroup.
So I regrouped. And then I got back at it, because by that point in the "afternoon" that I was supposed to be "having", I wasn’t writing because I wanted to, but because I was determined to overcome. I wasn’t going to let my husband’s incessant bugging get me down, oh no! I was going to fight for my afternoon alone, and I was going to WIN!
FUCK YEAH!
And then guess what happened?
(You probably know what I’m going to say, don't you.)
The phone rang. And guess who it was?
(I’ll bet you already know.)
It was Dave! Calling yet again! To tell me that he was just going to buy all of our groceries at Store B instead of Store A! Because Store B had a big sign saying they’d slashed the prices of over 3,000 items! And he was already there anyway, so that’s what he was going to do! Just shop there! REAL PRESSING STUFF THAT I ABSOLUTELY NEEDED TO KNOW AT THAT VERY SECOND!
After I hung up the phone I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Smoothed my hair down, you know, maintained calm, took a slug of water. Briefly considered rooting around the buffet cabinet for a slug of something stronger. I fought that urge, tempting though it was, and turned my attention, once again, to my laptop.
And then.
The phone rang. Oh yes, yes it did.
Did I know the house beside my father’s was for sale?
.
.
.
And then my head exploded.
30 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh, dude. My DH is *famous* for this. I can always tell when he’s stuck in traffic, because every mundane thought his paltry brain cells string together has to be brought to my attention immediately.
UGH.
September 15th, 2009
Cripes! Mine would have exploded far sooner. I only got one call this morning, the ‘I forgot the groceries’ call. Thanks be he had left the list on the counter so that I could read it to him.
And in spite of instructions to the contrary, he came home with shower curtain liners with magnets. An hour later than he had told me.
This morning I shrinkwrapped my head, virtually. Want me to do yours?
Laughing. A lot.
September 15th, 2009
I think I would have turned the ringer off after the 2nd phone call.
At least he tried. Kind of. My husband sometimes, very rarely, takes 1 of our 3 kids, still leaving me at home with the other 2, and he considers that giving me a break. Um, no. No, it’s not.
September 15th, 2009
I hope you find all the pieces.
September 15th, 2009
OMG Daren does this too! So annoying. I keep telling him I’m going to get him a Twitter account.
September 15th, 2009
sigh.
Women always say they want a man who will communicate with them, who will share what he’s thinking with the one he loves.
But then when they get a man like that, a man who is open and honest and gives his thoughts freely, they react like this.
sigh.
September 15th, 2009
I think it’s funny how, in this age of online chatter and cell phones, so little communication gets done in person anymore. My wife and I spend time in the house, in each others vicinity, and say very few words except for those required. But let one of us leave the house, and suddenly everything is important. Every LITTLE thing becomes a tale to tell . . .
September 15th, 2009
yeah I am pretty sure my head would have popped, too
September 15th, 2009
my Dave did this to me a few weeks back…and not even on the level that your Dave managed to achieve. it baffled me, like “are you seriously fucking with me? are you TRYING to drive me batty?
bless his heart, apparently he has no appreciation for unbroken silence.
September 15th, 2009
My husband, in the five years that he’s owned a cell phone, has NEVER ONCE been able to get through a trip to the grocery store or Blockbuster without f***ing calling me.
I feel your pain.
September 15th, 2009
Mine does this when I’m at work. I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of payback for leaving him with the kids.
Hey, nice header!
September 15th, 2009
I once read this book about being creative and writing — I think it was called The War of Art, but I am not certain, and the thesis was a bit scary — the ones who are going to most frustrate you and hold you back from any creative endeavor are going to be those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, and your best friends, and that you almost had to view them as “the enemy” to get anything done. It made sense because those are the ones who are dependent and love you, and the most fearful of you taking too much time for yourself. I think this author would probably tell you that during those afternoons alone, you need to throw the phone out the window.
September 15th, 2009
Hi Mama-T! I’ve been MIA for ages and am coming back by to visit. I love the Dave stories. My husband does this too. Always from the grocery store. It boggles the mind. I hope he picked up cleaning supplies.
September 15th, 2009
LMAO! You poor thing. I have been there!! WHY do they do it?? Whhhyyyyyy???
lol
;)
September 15th, 2009
I hope you made him clean up all the pieces.
September 15th, 2009
All this time I thought my husband was an only child. But clearly, he has a long-lost twin.
It’s even worse when I”M the one out and about. He has a need to know where I’m at & what I’m doing every.freaking.second.!
September 16th, 2009
It’s a sign of his love. Or his boredom. I’m not sure, but I often have afternoons at work like this. Chris will call 2, 3, 8 times just to let me have the privilege of knowing exactly what floatsom is in his head at the moment.
I’m sure it’s because he wants to hear your voice. It’s love. I promise.
September 16th, 2009
Yep – pao does that when he is home alone. He rang me five times one morning whilst i was at work because he was having trouble installing a lock on the front door and he wanted me to know that he was having trouble.
September 16th, 2009
Oh god that is my bf i think you are living with .I always ask why do you even leave when you spend the whole time away from home on the damn phone.
September 16th, 2009
Bet you wish that glass had been filled with vodka instead, eh?
September 16th, 2009
Curt does that shit ALL THE TIME! It’s like, umm, how did you SURVIVE before you met me? He’ll give me the play-by-play every second he’s not home. It cracks me up (and irritates me) all at the same time. HAH!
September 16th, 2009
My husband does the same thing – only when I leave the house, my phone starts ringing before I’m at the end of the street………..(I’m the person whose daughter shoves notes under the door when I’m in the bathroom). I don’t go anywhere or do anything without informing my entire family (or having them accompany me). Thank God I only have one child and one husband.
September 17th, 2009
My husband never calls me and I never call him unless absolutely necessary. I don’t even KNOW what his work or cell phone numbers are, I have to look them up on the rare occasions I use them. Sometimes when I’m around other women and see how often they talk to their husbands, I’m jealous. They seem so “connected” to their spouses. Next time I feel jealous, I’m going to re-read this post and be thankful for our “I’ll talk to you when I see you” policy.
September 18th, 2009
reading that frustrated the piss out of me and now i want to kick dave in the shins… maybe next time i see him, that could be fun…
September 18th, 2009
LOL! Did Dave learn anything when he read this post??
September 18th, 2009
I’m so sorry to hear about your head exploding. Will the next part of the story be your trip to the happy hospital or the police station after threatening the husband with a cell phone charger?
@SciFi Dad – Of course we want you to communicate!!! But you don’t want to hear about the shoe sale at the mall, or the fact that we found out the neighbor changed their dog’s food while you’re watching the last quarter of the football game, do you??? It IS a sweet attempt at connecting, but just bad timing and content. :P
September 18th, 2009
I am *so* e-mailing this post to my husband. Nope, I am going to call him and read it out loud to him. NO, I am going to print it off, wake him up at 3 am and THEN read it to him. Twice.
September 18th, 2009
Just to check–Dave is, in fact, still among the living, right? You haven’t killed him dead?
Yeah, you. Great self restraint.
September 18th, 2009
unplug the phone
September 30th, 2009
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