A word of warning, my friends: Don’t start cleaning out the fridge while you’re waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave. Because if you do, you might come across a little blue container of hot sauce that your husband got from a guy he works with. A container with the words Ass in the Tub – Special reserve written across the front, and ARMAGEDDON scrawled underneath that.
But if you do happen to come across a little blue container of Ass in the Tub while you’re waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave, don’t pick it up and shake it around and check to see if it’s a Tupperware container before putting it back in the fridge and getting the Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream out of the freezer. Because, as it turns out, a little Ass in the Tub smeared on your fingertips looks surprisingly similar to Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream.
If you’re like me, you wouldn’t want even the tiniest bit of Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream to go to waste, so you’d probably lick it off of your fingers. And then your eyes would start watering and you’d get a tickle in your throat. You’d start coughing and drooling excessively, and then you’d start choking on your own drool.
And then your son would come in the kitchen to see what the hell was wrong with his mother and realize that you were trying to be all stealth and have a delicious treat without him knowing, and the fuckin’ jig would be up. If your son was anything like mine he’d grab your bowl of warm apple streusel and Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream and walk off with it, leaving you hunched over the kitchen sink choking on Ass in the Tub.
So, to summarize: Don’t be an asshole and start cleaning out the fridge while you're waiting for your apple streusel to heat up in the microwave like I did on Saturday.
38 Comments, Comment or Ping
See, now this just supports my personal belief that nothing good can EVER come of any sort of housework.
(Ass in the tub?!)
June 1st, 2009
Ass in the tub?
If that isn’t a backhanded reference to Johnny Cash, I don’t know what is.
Also? Stealth treat: FAIL.
June 1st, 2009
Lesson learned. Thanks for the warning…I think the message here is clear: don’t clean your fridge. Under any circumstance, you know, just to be safe.
June 1st, 2009
The way I see it, there are two possible lessons to be learned here. 1. (as stated above) don’t clean your fridge. Or 2……
Nope, just one. Don’t clean your fridge.
June 1st, 2009
I do my stealth ice cream eating at night. In bed.
The Mook has that piggy bank. Tho, it’s only got pennies in it, as I *may* have borrowed the shiny money to go yard sale-ing…
June 1st, 2009
Thank you for this valuable lesson the dangers of cleaning the fridge.
June 1st, 2009
Also? My husband would be DEAD.
(I don’t share ice cream, and would consider that a FAIL on his part….)
June 1st, 2009
By the way, is that a wooden pig? AWESOME!
June 1st, 2009
that’s exactly how i imagined the apocalypse to be too, hot sauce that put my ass in the tub. the horror, the horror
June 1st, 2009
yes, I have learned the hard way that the only way to sneak snacks and NOT have your children steal them away is to only sneak them once they are sleeping.
ps? ass in the tub. HAHAHAHAHAH.
June 1st, 2009
You crack me up.
June 1st, 2009
Lesson learned: don’t clean out the fridge, allow items to grow legs and walk out on their own power.
June 1st, 2009
This was funny enough to bring tears to my eyes and make me choke on laughter here at work. Probably not as much tearing and choking as the Ass in the Tub caused you, however.
June 1st, 2009
Only you.
Ass in the tub? I gotta get me some of that now, you do know that, right?
June 1st, 2009
The fridge is like the absolutely last place I clean…I’m almost sure I’ve created a new strain of bacteria in there somewhere (I hope not, but it’s been a while). So no problems there.
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around having something even remotely titled Ass in the Tub in the refrig. Thankfully my guy isn’t all that hot on burning sensations. My daughter however wouldn’t blink, I swear she burned out here taste buds years ago. (Hugs)Indigo
June 1st, 2009
Busted! I think it’s in the “Mother’s Code” that you are supposed to sneak treats when your children aren’t in sight…after all, it’s not good for them…you’re only thinking of their well being…right?!!
June 1st, 2009
and that is why i love oliver. cause he is STEALTH like me. and SNEAKY like me.
see?? me and that kid are TEH awesome.
;)
June 2nd, 2009
Ouch.
June 2nd, 2009
Gragging my bowl of warm apple streusel and Double Chocolate Velvet ice cream and walking off with it might lead to Armageddon in my house.
June 2nd, 2009
I’m not laughing at you. No I am not. But my eyes are watering in sympathy.
June 2nd, 2009
Dude…..I understand, we also stock Ass in the tub……OH I shudder to think of your pain……..been there, not going back…
June 2nd, 2009
thanks for the tip.
June 2nd, 2009
OMG! This made me laugh so hard! Good stuff!
June 2nd, 2009
That is so totally something that would happen to me. But it would be some sort of meat. Guaranfuckingteeit.
June 3rd, 2009
Stealth treats never work with children in the vicinity. They have chips that detect the rustling of a wrapper, the removal of a lid, or the sound of a spoon from a mile away.
June 3rd, 2009
Ooer :) That stuff sounds lethal.
June 3rd, 2009
sounds like the males in your household have some kind of conspiracy going to steal the treats. =)
June 3rd, 2009
clearly, the moral of the story is do NOT clean fridge.
though “ass in the tub” is a wicked brand name. ;)
June 3rd, 2009
Hahahah!
June 4th, 2009
So THAT’S what your banner graphic is! You’re the Ass In The Tub girl!
ROFL!!!! I just made you (and this post) my blog pick of the week.
June 4th, 2009
Ass in the Tub?? Maybe a reference to the kind of intestinal disress that will result from too much of that particular product? Just a guess.
June 4th, 2009
Funniest thing I’ve read all day ! You have to give props to the guy who named it ‘Ass in the Tub’ – I wanna try some o that!
June 4th, 2009
For what it’s worth: I laughed so hard I almost choked on my tongue.
June 5th, 2009
This post was NOT about what I thought it was going to be about.
June 6th, 2009
This is by far the funniest thing I’ve read all week.
June 7th, 2009
Mr. Ass in the Tub owes you a hot fudge sundae. Make that three.
June 8th, 2009
haha oh dear. We’ll all benefit from the wisdom of your experience…
June 9th, 2009
This post made my day – full out laughter at work.
June 10th, 2009
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