I did five loads of laundry this weekend – two of colours, one of whites, sheets and towels – and got less than half of it put away. I scrubbed the shower, the toilets and the kitchen floor; I dusted and swept and tidied up. I walked the dog and fed the cat and loaded the dishwasher, unloaded the dishwasher. Loaded the dishwasher, unloaded the dishwasher. I cooked meals and scraped plates, tossed crusts to the dog and told Oliver no more Spongebob crackers before dinner more than once.
We took the kids to a birthday party on Saturday, a glorious day smack dab in the middle of a rather cold spring. Us adults sat on the patio, cradled glasses of pop and passed around a bag of salt n’ vinegar while our kids overdosed on excitement and hotdogs and cake with homemade marshmallow fondant. They ran around my friend’s backyard, jumping and spinning and laughing and squinting in the sunlight and we marvelled at how big they’re getting, how fast they’re growing. How our lives have changed so incredibly and how far we’ve all come.
I lost my patience this weekend, nothing new there. With Dave yesterday, when he insisted he was in a good mood but clearly was not. With Oliver, many times, because this time around Three is kicking my ass in new and spectacular patience-testing ways (holy crap, Three, gimmie a rest, wouldja?). And early Sunday morning, after coming in to my room for like, the seventh time with yet another complaint, I scolded Julia for waking me up so many times. Didn’t she know how tired I was? Didn’t she realize that I needed to sleep too? We were in the bathroom with the light turned down so low the room was almost glowing, and I was in mid-sentence, mid-scold, when she suddenly leaned over the counter and barfed in the sink.
I helped her to the toilet and held her hair back from her face and whispered that I was sorry, sorry my love. I felt like the biggest asshole in the whole world.
When it became clear that it wasn’t a case of birthday party excess, which is so often the case where Julia is concerned, I switched over to nurse mode. Cool washcloths and tall glasses of water with ice cubes and bendy straws, bedside bowls and the tried and true standbys: chewable Tylenol, Gravol, small sips and rest. I sat beside her, held her hand and ran my fingers through her hair, willing her to feel better, feel better, my love.
I shook my fist at the universe this weekend, shook it hard. Goddammit, I raged, when is enough enough? It’s been one illness after another for weeks now; I’m tired, I’m spent, I’m fucking DONE, universe. I’m done with this shit. You hear me? DONE!
But what else can I do but press on, keep things going, keep the cycle in motion? I am a mother; this is my job. I balance kids and a home and a marriage. I fix boo-boos and dinners, I have and I hold. All at once I am patient and impatient, content and frustrated, ridiculously tired and blissfully happy…
…an unsung hero.
29 Comments, Comment or Ping
Aww… poor Julia, and poor you who has to take care of everything and everyone. I hope she feels better soon, and you can get some rest.
April 27th, 2009
Hitler and Gary Bettman are still waaaaaay bigger assholes than you are.
April 27th, 2009
Oh, yea. Been there, girlie. Know exactly what you mean.
Hoping your babygirl — and you — are on the mend. xoxox
April 27th, 2009
I feel your pain over the illness thing. If it isn’t one kids it is the other one lately. And when both ,my kids are not sick – their little friends are so I AM STILL COOPED THE FUCK UP IN THE HOUSE WITH THEM.
oops was I just screaming and going certifiably insane? Must be why I took up running in the mornings just so we get OUT colds and all.
April 27th, 2009
Unsung indeed. Great post, like a page out of my life: 3 making me crazy, enough with the sick, birthdays … fist shaking. Throw in some cat vomit.
No more comment, cat’s biting 3 (if he’d stop squashing, cat wouldn’t bite), baby’s crying – everyone needs a freaking mommy hug – have to type one handed.
Unsung.
April 27th, 2009
I’m singing.
April 27th, 2009
I’m sorry you guys are going through a rough patch. It can only get better, hope all gets well soon enough. Say a silent prayer……and take a super big mega gigantic deep breath blanking out your entire mind. Tomorrow will be another day……*smile*
Kids are very resilient. And thankfully, very forgiving!!
April 27th, 2009
*hug* You’re allowed to be human! Sending get well thoughts to Julia.
April 27th, 2009
Hello? With everything noted in the first paragraph you are entitled to be a little tired and allowed to loose your patience. It’s the recovery that’s important and I’m sure Julia thinks you recovered just fine.
April 27th, 2009
So true. I wonder…if the Mother job had an official job description, would many people think it sounded like it was a job they would want to do? For no pay, and very little recognition?? I wonder.
April 27th, 2009
I hear ya – don’t we all feel like the biggest asshole in the world at least once a day? I’m on a similar treadmill with a 5 year old and an 18 month old – I adore them, yet simultaneously it feels so hard to be their mother sometimes. I always had such cheery visions of how I would parent my children, and reality bites.
April 27th, 2009
oh buddy, i do hope she’s better and you get that much needed break. oy.
i remember feeling that same anger toward the universe in the summer when it seemed to never end.
April 27th, 2009
Yup. That’s it.
April 27th, 2009
it can be so brutal, this job of mother/nurse…especially b/c we are required to be on the job 24/7, ever patient.
i hope health finds all of you soon. and three goes gentle for its last few months.
April 27th, 2009
hey babe. i sorta like totally get it.
April 27th, 2009
You are their hero, even though they might not come out and say it. Because Julia knows that even if you’re snappy, when she NEEDS you, you’re there, always. The singing just isn’t always a tune you recognize is all.
April 27th, 2009
you make motherhood cool. you know that, right?
i hope little lovey is feeling better now!
xo
April 28th, 2009
Sorry … this comment is not for you …
Not funny, universe. Spring is for Tulips to be GLORIOUS! Stop picking on this one.
April 28th, 2009
Here’s a song for you, Mama T.
Sing a song of Mom-love,
no rhyme or reason why,
two kids and a husband, enough to make you cry.
When you’re tired and frazzled, a girl child turns up sick.
Isn’t that an awful mess, a truly wicked trick?
The laundry’s in the laundry room,
Growing mold by now;
The dinner’s in the kitchen,
Must be cooked somehow;
The husband’s in a bad mood,
Something he denies;
And for Mama Tulip,
Today will win no prize.
Other days, though–remember other days, my love. Memories of the kids out in the pool and Julia’s trust in you and Oliver’s silliness will get you through these rough patches. And, of course, Dave. Who can truly resist a guy who’s been followed by porn all his life?
April 28th, 2009
If you’re an asshole, what does that make me? Don’t answer that. NME is right, if we knew, well mankind would be done for sure.
April 28th, 2009
Amen. I get frustrated too. And unexpectedly delighted. And resentful. And happy.
During the not-so-happy days, I remind myself that what I have is exactly what I signed on for. As you said, this is my job, this is MY life and I chose it.
April 28th, 2009
Great post & very well written! I hope everyone is feeling better!
April 28th, 2009
Oh, hon. Unsung, indeed. I’m sorry. :(
(I love that you say “pop.”)
April 28th, 2009
Oh, Mamatulip! You are such a great mama. You deserve a nice break asap. I hear you about the nonstop of it all — always on the go. Always doing doing doing. ((HUGS))
April 29th, 2009
Sigh. I understand. I feel like the biggest asshole too, when I snap at them, not because they’re being just mildly annoying, but because money’s short, and the house is a mess, and one tiny work project that was supposed to take an afternoon is now on its second week, and the clothes dryer is broken, and the supervisor who’s the best thing that’s happened to our unit is about to leave on mat leave, and I forgot yet again to arrange to have the snow tires taken off the car… It’s not their fault, but sometimes I can’t control myself and I’m impatient and mean. And I hate that. And nope, no one gives medals for this. For the carrying on and the loading and unloading of dishwashers, the scrubbing of toilets. But would I wish it away? The girls and the house and yard and job? No. Because they make me happy as well as really freaking exhausted.
April 29th, 2009
I am so very sorry you are having such a tough time with illnesses. I hope your daughter is feeling better and let’s hope this is it and no more sickness for anyone else for a very, very, very long time.
That is so nice that you had a nice time with friends watching your kids play…it does help to be in the moment and remember how lucky we are, I guess you got that little bit of nice time before the suckiness of the barfing time, which I know is small consolation considering how much you’ve been through lately. Hoping you get so many more lovely moments. Please take care.
April 29th, 2009
ok, i’m just going to say it. what the fuck is going on around here? why the hell are you being tested like this, with so much ongoing sickage?
It makes me want to kick someone’s ass for you. if only i knew who that was.
May 1st, 2009
love the title of your post. so true. my three kids have been sick on and off since November….it’s now MAY for god sake’s. i keep telling myself it builds their immunity…they will be stronger for it… and yet the bags under my eyes haunt me. hang in there MamaT – you are not alone. Have a nice glass of wine when it’s all done, and breathe.
May 1st, 2009
yes, you are.
you know, two days ago I did the same loss of patience thing with my son and mid-tirade he puked. Next day, I lost patience with my daughter’s loss of patience (ya, I know) and she’s running a fever with sore throat. What, in fact, is up with the Universe? Did you ever find out?
Have a better weekend.
May 2nd, 2009
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