Okay, so after YEARS of near-crippling anxiety and copious amounts of tears shed, it finally clicked in my children’s minds a few weeks ago: swimming is FUN!
And now they want to go swimming every single day.
Tuesday night was no exception; the kids really, really, REALLY wanted to go to the pool. The last thing I felt like doing was traipsing on down to the community centre after having eaten a whole whack of veal parm, but my little darlings were fucking relentless very eager to go. Before I’d even rinsed the dinner dishes, Dave had them strapped in the car and the swim bag in the trunk.
The kids were jacked the fuck UP. We got to the centre and they jumped out of the car, all, SWIM-MING! SWIM-MING! and Dave and I were all, Settle down or we’ll take you home! Once we got inside we went over to the little booth to pay and were quite surprised when the nice lady behind the plexiglass informed us that there was no swimming that night.
“Do you have a copy of our schedule?” She reached across her desk, grabbed a piece of blue paper and held it up in the air.
Dave was chagrin; he was the one who’d brought two copies of that very schedule home last week to pore through. He’d checked out pricing and lesson times, but somehow got it in his head that there were open swims each weeknight.
He turned to the kids, apologized and said they couldn’t go swimming, and both of them promptly burst in to tears. LOUD, DRAMATIC TEARS OF DEVASTATION. As we herded them out the doors and back toward the car I could hear Dave alternating between apologizing to them and hissing at them to stop crying.
I was annoyed – that we’d rushed to get out of the house, that Dave hadn’t checked the schedule beforehand and that my children putting on a scene worthy of a Best Dramatic Performance nod. I walked ahead of them once we were outside, but when I heard Dave make a strange sort of laughing/choking sound and call my name, I stopped and turned around.
And there he was, standing at the doors of the community centre flanked by our two crying children, with about fifteen panty liners scattered at his feet.
Seems the front pocket of our swim bag had a hole in it, and the multitude of feminine hygiene products that I’d stuffed inside chose that exact moment to bust on out. And of course, several people happened to be walking out of the community centre at that very moment. One guy looked over and chuckled, “I think you dropped something there, dude,” and I watched my husband’s face turned a shade of crimson I’ve never seen before.
So, naturally, I did what any other wife would do in that situation: I burst out laughing and kept walking. I laughed so hard I had to pause to cross my legs to keep from peeing at least once, and I think I may have pointed at him a few times. Blatantly.
Because I am nothing if not supportive, and because yes, I vowed to have and to hold in sickness and in health, but there was nothing in those vows about rushing to help my betrothed when he finds himself standing amidst a multitude of panty liners on the front steps of the community pool.
43 Comments, Comment or Ping
That’s fantastic. I desperately needed that laugh for the day! THANK YOU! What did your poor husband do?
March 12th, 2009
Pantyliners on the ground are a little-known loophole in wedding vows.
March 12th, 2009
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
i so needed to read this today.
poor dave– you definitely ARE wife of the year ;)
but hey, at least your kids wanna go swim-MING now !
:)
March 12th, 2009
i just scared the baby right off the breast i laughed so loud.
March 12th, 2009
lol. The problem is, though, that next time you need him to go get you feminine hygiene products and/or chocolate, he’s probably going to say no! :)
March 12th, 2009
I’m going to be snorting all day over that image. Hilarious.
March 12th, 2009
Fantastic writing, as usual. Thanks for the laugh.
March 12th, 2009
Feminine hygiene products save the day!! Woot!
March 12th, 2009
dave kicks ass constantly
March 12th, 2009
hee hee. poor Dave.
March 12th, 2009
can’t stop giggling. oh, that hurt. thank you.
March 12th, 2009
I double checked, and you are right, there is nothing in the vows about that but there is a clause that states HE must be able to select and purchase the correct flow-requirements and preferred brand of feminine protection without breaking a sweat or being embarrassed. It’s a double standard really, but fair trade I think.
March 12th, 2009
I have tears running downs my face! Thanks for the ab workout!
March 12th, 2009
Hahahahahaha! Poor guy! Thanks for the laugh!
March 12th, 2009
I just read this to Sam on the phone….we shoulda both peed first!
March 12th, 2009
ok, those Always had wings but they didn’t fly me out of there!
March 12th, 2009
I think by now he should expect such things to happen. Who wouldn’t expect a white carpet of pany liners? (poor guy)
March 12th, 2009
PANTY liners, not pany liners. WTF are pany liners, erin?
March 12th, 2009
You are a bad bad wife. And I would have done the same thing … yeah, he’s NEVER NEVER NEVER gonna pick up tampons for you EVER!
But you’ll always have the memories of that day at the rec center …
March 12th, 2009
Laughed loud enough to disturb my entire family.
March 12th, 2009
Oh my god, that is CLASSIC. Also, Katie’s comment made me wonder about whether I should write about something on my blog or not, about men requiring the ability to pick out correct feminine hygiene products. My husband made an epic error once. If he tells me he won’t be too embarrassed, I think I’ll have to post it. (Hint: He bought pads. However they were not the right TYPE of pads. Cough.)
March 12th, 2009
Okay, seriously, I couldn’t resist. You inspired me, and now I’m laughing all over again.
March 12th, 2009
You are such an awesome wife!
Bwaa haa haa Dave. I mean poor guy!
March 13th, 2009
OMG I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU!
(I so would have peed my pants laughing and definitely pointing)
March 13th, 2009
That was THE funniest thing I’ve heard all day (and trust me when I say I needed it!)
You ROCK!
March 13th, 2009
When I read the title, I said “what in hell did he do now?” For with your darling other half, anything is possible. This left me in tears! How did you not pee yourself?
March 13th, 2009
You bad bad wifey poo you.
bhad.
to the bone.
March 13th, 2009
HI-larious! This made me laugh like a crazy lady.
Haha! Panty liner! ha ha!
March 14th, 2009
You know Dave is going to plant a condom on your person as revenge. Paybacks are hell. : )
March 14th, 2009
nicely done.
revenge is so sweet.
March 14th, 2009
That is hysterical! I would have LMAO!!!
March 15th, 2009
no one does it quite like the two of you. i’ve missed you. xo
March 16th, 2009
I would have done the same! Too bad you didn’t have a camera, oh wait… a video camera handy! Hahahahahahahahahaha!
March 16th, 2009
Poor Dave! Do something nice for him tonight. I promise not to ask later what it was.
March 16th, 2009
Lmao, no your nothing if not supportive!! Omg, I would die.
March 16th, 2009
Since neither of you killed the other right there and then, I predict you’ll have a long and very happy life together. At least, until you leave him with Depends scattered at his feet. Then all bets are off.
March 17th, 2009
You two have got to take this act on the road. Seriously.
March 17th, 2009
I .. uh … hi. Um … I got one of those chain mail blog award things and I am passing it on to you. I really do love your blog.
March 17th, 2009
LMAO! Poor man.
:)
March 18th, 2009
What other reaction is there, really? I’d laugh too!
March 18th, 2009
Oh my god that is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. thanks, I needed that.
March 18th, 2009
You are a good wife, my friend. Every man needs a little feminine hygiene.
March 24th, 2009
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