It’s been draining. Oliver’s ear/nose/throat troubles had us worn down by the time Christmas came around, and then there was Julia, with her double shot of pinkeye the day before Christmas Eve and a bout of shingles five days later.
There’s still a pronounced mark on Julia’s hip that starts down her leg, save the one splotchy line that stretches to the right, before ending abruptly. I was told the rash would take a while to go away, that it would look like a burn for several weeks, which it does. Which it did, rather, until swimming class this past weekend. By the time she got out of the pool, the rash was raised and dark red. Her leg, she said, felt like it was on fire. She winced as she peeled her suit off, sucked her breath in sharply.
We both looked at the rash and then her eyes met mine and she asked me in a very small voice if I thought anyone noticed it. No, I said, pressing my eyes closed, my heart aching for her. No, baby. I don’t think anyone noticed.
It’s been draining, having my patience tested by my little guy all fall, understanding that much of his difficult behavior, attitude and actions were a direct result of the way he felt physically…but at the same time, having moments of absolute frustration. And fury. And I can’t do this anymore. I reached my limits so many times, was tempted so often to throw my hands in the air and shout that I was giving up.
Then surgery for him, six days in to the new year. A string of long days and longer nights, him feeling like hell, knowing there wasn’t much (outside of medicating and back rubbing, hair stroking and cheek caressing) that we could do. He’s still restless at night, still getting all the crap – medications, anesthetic – out of his system, and we’ve had some tummy issues too. His voice is high-pitched, like he’s been huffing helium. We’ve had some sweet snuggly moments together and I see glimpses of his old self here and there, hints of mischief and small bursts of energy, but he’s been mostly quiet and low-key; subdued.
Not himself.
And me? I’m exhausted, creatively brain dead, and, in many aspects, am feeling rather detached. For the last week I’ve just been going through the motions – hell, I could say that about the last few months. It’s been one thing after another lately, and many times I’ve felt like I was barely keeping afloat. Like I’m moving underwater, slowly slogging through, keeping my eye on the surface, telling myself I’ll get up there for a breath of fresh air sometime soon.
44 Comments, Comment or Ping
i am sorry you are so exhausted, this time in your life, in his…it will pass. but the now probably feels like forever.
January 13th, 2009
Aw jeez, that really sucks. Are you sure you don’t see any locusts frolicking in the snow outside your house?
Hopefully Julia’s shingles will subside soon, and Oliver will be back to his old self so that instead of posting how you can’t take it when he’s sick, you can get back to posting about how you can’t take it when he’s destroying the house. :)
January 13th, 2009
You guys have such rough winters, healthwise, but this one has been particularly challenging. *BIG HUG*
January 13th, 2009
man, i’m sorry to hear about all of this. hopefully you get some rest soon, if not i’d just start drinking all the time
January 13th, 2009
Just keep thinking that the worst is over, that the days can (and will) only get better.
You’re allowed to be frustrated, tired… you’ve probably handled it with more grace than most, and certainly more than you’ve allowed yourself to acknowledge.
Take it easy, mama.
January 13th, 2009
i’m sorry hon. i’ve been thinking about you. soon, this will pass. just not soon enough, eh?
♥
January 13th, 2009
God, I’ll stop complaining about the string of colds and pink eye that ravaged our house.
You’re a champion. Hope everyone is better soon. Or at least for a good solid week (which is what I generally pray for – don’t want to be too greedy).
xo
January 13th, 2009
Dude, no wonder. WTF? You’ve been through a monstrous bit. You need to soak, never mind the slogging through the deep end. Be well. Snuggle and sleep.
January 13th, 2009
This, I know.
Hang in there.
January 13th, 2009
I hear you, it’s been like that around here too. I keep imagining myself years from now looking back and laughing that, wow, THAT sure sucked and I’m glad THAT’S over. I mean, honestly, it’s bound to be over at some point. Right?
January 13th, 2009
Did you knoiw that I give wicked neck and shoulder massages?
Just saying. Hit me up for one when i next see you.
January 13th, 2009
Oh, hang in there! Winters at home are the worst! It really, truly does get better…although that sentiment doesn’t make it better now, does it?
The years my son was age 3-5 were very difficult. He was extremely unpleasant 4 out of 7 days of the week. He had colic as a baby and was a very high-strung toddler and preschooler. At home fulltime, there were days that I, too, shut myself in the bathroom and wondered how I was going to make it until bedtime. I had my kids early so I didn’t have much of a “other mother” support system. I went to bed every night thinking I was a horrible mother. Finally, at our breaking point, we turned to counseling and discovered that we actually were doing the right things…he was just a terribly smart kid whose body needed to catch up with his mind.
Zip forward a couple of years, and my son is now 8.5 years old; a well-adjusted kiddo enrolled in TAG classes. He is loving, respectful, and just a general joy to be around. While he is still a sensitive boy, he’s grown leaps and bounds. Seeing him do so well makes all those dark days worth it.
Take it one day at a time…one hour at a time somedays. The light days will come, I promise.
Trish
January 13th, 2009
Oh darlin. my heart aches for your young ones…
January 13th, 2009
Hope you get your ahead above water soon. I know how that can be.
January 13th, 2009
Gosh….I hope things get back to “Normal” again soon…
Hang in there.
January 13th, 2009
I’m sure things will start looking up health-wise all around really soon…
January 13th, 2009
I’ve started this comment and erased it too many times – can I just say I’m treading right next to you and holding out a floatie?
January 13th, 2009
Oh you have had an awful time lately, my sympathies. Sending really good thoughts that your little ones feel much better soon and you get a well deserved break and some “me” time. I know about the shingles, my daughter had them when she was almost five and then again last year, they really, really suck!
January 13th, 2009
Phew – that’s a lot to handle. My heart ached too hearing of Olivia’s question at swimming….
January 13th, 2009
Hang in there sweetie. All of this too shall pass.
The kids will be back to normal soon. You will follow soon after. I will keep you in my prayers.
January 13th, 2009
Dude. I don’t even know what to say. I know things will get better–it’s the wait that wears you down. I’m sorry this is all happening.
January 13th, 2009
Hang on, honey. (tosses you a life-line) Before you know it you’ll find the surface and suck in gobs of fresh air.
January 13th, 2009
Hang in there for this too shall pass. I know it has been a rough road, but once both of the kids are back to 100% the fog will lift.
January 13th, 2009
It’s so sad when they aren’t acting like themselves. I hope everything settles down for your family soon, you all bloody well deserve it.
January 13th, 2009
Tell me when and H and I will be there to help out!
Love ya! Take care of yourself too my friend!
January 14th, 2009
is your daughter on any meds for the shingles ?
i had it a few months ago and It always killed me ..
I NEEEDED the medication.
and know that whenever she’s stressed or worried..
she’ll feel pain where the shingles was at
I’m so sorry, but remember you can sleep when they grow up :)
January 14th, 2009
I’m so sorry that you are having such a difficult start to the New Year. It can only get better from here, right?!?
What’s with pink eye, we had it in our house right before the holidays too!!!
January 14th, 2009
Oh man.
I feel this, really feel this.
Hoping that we both get a long, sweet breath of fresh air soon…
January 14th, 2009
Oh lovey, I am so sorry. When kids are sick the whole world goes to shit. Hang in there, it WILL get better. Like you said, just keep your eyes on the surface.
((hugs)),
a.
January 14th, 2009
yikes. poor you. that’s a whole lot of sick people around you. shingles are the worst. my daughter (who was just 9 at the time) got them and they were so painful for her. i felt for her.
this time of the year, the downer after the holidays is particularily difficult so try not to be too hard on yourself. you’ve been through a lot. when your kids are sick it might just as well be you that’s sick. you feel for them physically and mentally.
try (i know its hard) to take some time for yourself and realize you are doing your best. deep breathing is good!
hope things start to look up for y’all soon! you certainly deserve it.
January 14th, 2009
You will get a breath of fresh air soon, I just know it.
January 14th, 2009
Yeah that’s a lot for one season for sure. I think things will start to mend soon.
January 14th, 2009
Big hug x
January 14th, 2009
Can I give you a hug? I really want to give you a hug. I think you need one. And a shot of tequila.
January 14th, 2009
Oh, you poor lot! I do hope everything goes back to as it should soon, Mama T., with you ripping your hair out over Oliver for different reasons!
January 15th, 2009
I know this. I know this feeling.
You said it so very, very beautifully.
January 15th, 2009
the surface is there… it will appear.
January 15th, 2009
hang in there, kid.
January 15th, 2009
I am sorry you have been having it rough lately, Mama T. I hope things turn around for you really soon.
January 15th, 2009
Thinking of you, K. And your kiddos too.
January 15th, 2009
Beer. You need someone to bring you beer.
When our daughter had her tonsils and adenoids out, it took a while for her voice to return to normal. I remember that sound. It broke my heart and drove me nuts all at once.
January 15th, 2009
If you can, try to do something nice for yourself. Sounds like you really need it. Even if it’s just taking a hot bath with a candle and a book…. Or getting a haircut. You’re going through so much. It’ll get better soon. ((hugs))
January 15th, 2009
You have been through so much lately. I hope all gets calm again and back to normal.
Sending positive vibes and hugs your way!!
January 16th, 2009
Sick kids are sooo hard! Poor guy. Poor mommy.
:)
January 16th, 2009
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