Guess how things went down ‘round these parts yesterday morning?
a) Julia missed her bus and I had to haul ass to get her to school
b) Foxy peed on Julia's butterfly carpet
c) Oliver sat at the dining room table, bit in to every apple in the fruit bowl and then tossed them across the living room floor
d) My neighbour’s dog pissed on my leg
If you guessed D, YOU’RE RIGHT! All the other stuff happened on Tuesday morning. (No, really)
So yeah. I’m standing at the bus stop with Julia and Oliver, waiting for Julia’s bus, and I’m chatting with my neighbour, whose son also goes to Julia’s school. She had her dog with her; after greeting him with a little behind-the-ear scratching I didn’t pay him much mind, though I was vaguely aware of him sniffing my right shoe incessantly.
And then I heard my neighbour gasp and suck in her breath sharply. “Oh!” she exclaimed.
Then, a little louder: “OH!”
And then I felt warmth on my leg, of the liquid variety.
I looked first at my neighbour and then down at the big wet spot spreading across my pant leg.
“Wow," I said. "I’ve never been peed on before.” And then I burst out laughing. I mean, what the hell else was I supposed to do? My neighbour looked like she wanted the road to open her up and swallow her whole, and I think her son was suitably embarrassed, too. She was apologizing all over the place, but I told her not to worry about it. It's the sort of thing that I know will happen to me one day: Foxy will just up and piss on some unsuspecting mom waiting with her kids at the bus stop. There are some things in life you just can’t control, like when – and where – your dog wants to take a leak.
So I laughed it off – made some comment about how it was the second time in twelve hours I'd been peed on, Oliver had peed all over me when I'd checked on him the night before, ha ha ha, hardy har har.
(I took it a lot better than the one and only time a bird shit on me: I was in the fourth grade and I was so mortified that I’d been targeted by a shithawk, I locked myself in a bathroom stall and sobbed uncontrollably.)
One of the first things I did when I got home, changed my clothes and washed my leg was email Katie to tell her that HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT PISSED ON, WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
Her reply:
WHAT THE FUCK
OK – true story: On my very first day of school my parents decided for some reason to take a picture of me with my neighbours dog Charlie (small boxer) – I stood next to him, dad snapped the picture and the little fucker lifted his leg and pissed on me.
Apparently we both look like fire hydrants.
My immediate thought after reading that was, "Thank god I'm not the only one."
My plan for today is to get through the day without getting urinated on. Here's hoping I'm successful.
32 Comments, Comment or Ping
hahhah. Oh God. I’ve got a good one for you….
When I was younger, one of the many houses I lurked around had a white poodle named Snoopy. I thought he liked me for the most part. Once while we were having dinner (I had my sandals on still..nice, new white ones), I felt some warmth on my toes. I thought the dog was licking them. Oh, no….not so. The dog shat right on my feet. A nice, steaming, runny pile of shit. Still to this day, I’m completely terrified of dogs under the table :)
September 11th, 2008
LMAO! Good for you for having such a great time with it! OH, and I’m sure you resemble nothing of a fire hydrant! Thanks for a great start to the morning!
September 11th, 2008
I follow you on twitter so I knew the last one was true. I figured the rest of the stuff had happened as well, but you tricked me by using things from the previous day!
I think that might sort of not be fair….although I guess all that stuff happening isn’t fair either.
September 11th, 2008
It’s that warmth of it that is so affronting. I mean, if it were cool then it’d be more removed from the animal but it’s all warm and just made. Ugh. Um, I have not been peed on yet, that I can remember. Just splatter aftermath. I guess I’m due.
Good-luck in your endeavours to stay dry!
September 11th, 2008
It’s good to have goals. ;)
September 11th, 2008
you and Katie.
HOTTEST fire hydrants ever :)
September 11th, 2008
With two boys, golden showers seem to be rather run of the mill in these parts.
September 11th, 2008
Maybe the dog thought you looked cold and needed warming up?
September 11th, 2008
It’s happened to me too.
I was sitting at a neighbor’s house, on the floor. My dog and their dog was playing together, when suddenly… my Rocco came over, lifted his leg, and pissed all over my lap.
I hauled him outside, mortified, smacked him on the nose, and then he promptly wrenched free of my grasp. He ran away, and we searched and searched that night for him… and found him the next morning on the side of the road.
A chain of events that started funnily at first.
September 11th, 2008
I know it’s going to be a GREAT day when I get to set the bar that low!!
:D
September 11th, 2008
Katie’s response is on the money. Like really, what else can you say?
September 11th, 2008
You handled that very well. I couldn’t help but laugh. Sorry. At least you could go home and didn’t have to go to somewhere else.
September 11th, 2008
You took the event well, I must say!
When I was a little girl (say 8/9 years old) I was over at a neighbour’s house. An adult friend of theirs had an out of control bulldog who essentially knocked me down and then peed on me. The old man owner just stood and watched, doing nothing. Let me say that I was mortified. I certainly won’t forget that event. And damn sure the child in me doesn’t forgive that man either.
September 11th, 2008
Okay…that’s a new one. What is WRONG with that woman’s dog? I would have offered to dry clean your pants, at the very least.
September 11th, 2008
Oh, the joys of Golden CANINE showers! Yeah, baby.
But seriously, ha ha ha ha. Good morning and better response from you than ANYONE else could ever give. You are one cool cucumber.
September 11th, 2008
I was laughing so hard at this because I could actually picture you talking.
Sometimes posts are so much better after you’ve met in person. LOL
September 11th, 2008
I thought I had a shitty day. Then I read this. Now I realize that today was a total success! Thanks Mama!
September 11th, 2008
Were you cooking bacon that morning? Maybe the dog sniffed it on your clothes and then decided, “You know what, screw this. All MY owner gives me is kibble. I’m going with this woman.” Then he marked you as his own. Aw. See? It’s kind of sweet when I put it that way, right? ;)
September 12th, 2008
We had a beagle that used to hump our guests’ legs.
He left wet spots on them too.
Shit you not.
September 12th, 2008
I just keep telling myself it’s because we look so damn good and fetish-like. Hey – at least it’s WARM. ICK – did I just say that? Yes I did.
September 12th, 2008
If you have kids and you have never been peed on before, you are obviously not spending enough quality time with them. Or you’re rich enough to have a full-time nanny.
September 12th, 2008
ok, that’s so not funny.
alright, it’s a little funny.
September 12th, 2008
happened to me too, i was seven or eight, and i was wearing snowpants. it was also at a bus stop, and it was so cold that day that the pee froze. only to melt later. mortified doesn’t even begin to cover it.
September 12th, 2008
holy crap was the first thing that came to my mind
can’t figure out if that is or is no appropriate.
I agree you are both hot and fetish-like.
September 12th, 2008
In your honor, I am going to get really hammered tonight at the Phillies game and pee on someone.
*curtsey*
September 13th, 2008
Well atleast things couldnt have gotten any worse right?
September 13th, 2008
Only you.
HAHAHAHAHA!
:)
September 13th, 2008
I can’t even count how many times I’ve been peed on. Perils of the job I guess but still… Ew.
They say when a bird shits on you it’s lucky. I wonder what they say if a dog pees on you? There’s a bath in your future?
September 14th, 2008
only you, my darling. only you.
but i tell you what…that is one CLASSIC story to tell.
September 14th, 2008
Uhh I never had a dog so have no idea to have it piss on me!! BLEH!
September 14th, 2008
Pish.
I totally trump your story.
Try having your drunken neighbour stumble up your driveway, slur his words to you and then whip out his pecker and proceed to piss all over you slipper encased feet while you stand there dumbfounded and amazed that some dude is pissing all over your feet and your ankles.
Good times.
I’d totally take the dog piss over the man piss.
I can still feel the urine splatter against my bare skin.
Ew.
September 18th, 2008
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