Like his father and grandfather before him, Dave plants a garden every summer. It’s not the nicest looking garden – there’s no rhyme or reason to it, everything grows all over the place and he uses wood trim that he finds on clearance at the hardware store as stakes, but no matter; this year’s crop included broccoli, tomatoes, peppers, corn and beans. BOOYA!
We have so many tomatoes that, when we have people over, we do it up door-prize style and give out bags of them as they leave. We have almost as many peppers – sweet, banana and hot – and those babies grill up real nice on the barbie. The last two times Dave’s mom has come over she’s called to tell us the peppers she picked turned out to be hot rather than sweet; last weekend she cut one up for a salad only to have her eyes start watering after the second bite.
The other night for dinner we had grilled chicken breasts and peppers on the barbeque, and Dave threw a few of his own peppers on, too. Before he did, though, he snapped off the top and scooped the insides out with his finger.
I was in the kitchen slicing peaches when I heard him call from the patio, “Hey babe, if I stuck my finger in a hot pepper and then rubbed my eye, would it sting?”
Before I had a chance to say YES, YOU MORON, he shot through the screen door and in to the kitchen, one hand clasped over his right eye.
“OH MY GOD,” he shouted. “MY EYE IS BURNING!” He ran to the sink. “Can you Google ‘hot pepper in eye’ and see what comes up?” he shouted over the running water.
“Babe, let me see,” I said. He swung around, dripping water all over the floor, and opened his eye. It had puffed up like crazy, and lemmie tell ya, that fucker was red.
“Jesus, Dave, you could shoot fireballs out of that thing,” I exclaimed. “Maybe you should go to the hospital and have it flushed for real.”
“Nah,” he said, reaching across the counter for a tea towel. “I rinsed it out good.”
His eye stayed red for a while longer and it was still puffy by the time we went to bed. We had a good laugh about his ‘hot pepper eye,’ although Dave made sure I knew just how much it had stung and how, for a few seconds there, he thought he might go blind. Wuss.
But my husband sticking his finger inside a hot pepper and then rubbing his eye doesn’t come remotely close to the time he rubbed Tiger Balm all over my aching back only to give his balls a good scratchin’ immediately afterward. That particular conversation went something like this:
“’Kay babe, is that good? I used a lot, can you tell?”
“Mmmm, yeah. My back is burning. Thanks.”
“No problem, babe. Glad I could help.”
Pause.
“Oh. Shit. I just scratched my balls.”
“Mmmm?”
“My balls, babe. MY BALLS. They're burning. OH GOD, my balls. My fucking BALLS ARE ON FIRE!”
*end scene
42 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh my gawd – I don’t have balls but my imaginary ones are IN FLAMES just reading this story. Well I guess this just proves that Dave is really hot (okay, lameass comment but it’s the best I could come up with on sleep deprivation).
August 22nd, 2008
You have a husband of utter quality.
Go Dave!
August 22nd, 2008
ROFL! Daren made baked nachos once and put jalapeños on from the garden. The nachos were great but even after washing his hands, he set my fucking clitoris on fire hours later. And not in a good way.
August 22nd, 2008
My sister-in-law wears rubber gloves when dealing with peppers. She has contacts and no matter how well she washes her hands, some of the juice gets under her nails so she learned the hard way about taking her contacts out after making jalapeno poppers. (Which are awesome btw. Take halved jalapenos and clean out the seeds and insides, and wear rubber gloves. Put a dollop of cream cheese in the middle and then wrap half a slice of bacon around it and secure with a toothpick. Bake in oven at 350° until bacon is cooked and cream cheese looks a little browned. About 30 minutes.)
August 22nd, 2008
Thank you so much for the laugh! I really needed it today!
And that… well, that is why so many men marry women. They wouldn’t put up with that idiocy with each other, and they need us around to try and keep them from killing themselves.
August 22nd, 2008
Amazing. I’m laughing….seriously.
August 22nd, 2008
ROFLMAO!!! You would think he’d learn, right?
August 22nd, 2008
And you wonder about where Oliver gets it? ;)
August 22nd, 2008
Dave and his hot balls….EYE balls….BALLS balls. Painful and hilarious.
August 22nd, 2008
Sometimes, it seems like living with Dave is like living with Kozmo Kramer.
August 22nd, 2008
I know Dave is Canadian, but I’m voting for him in the US Presidential race.
August 22nd, 2008
And why does this remind me so much of the DAVE’S BALLS story? Somehow they MUST go together … lol
August 22nd, 2008
My partner did the exact same thing, except it was jalapeno peppers and his nuts. I fondly remember pouring milk over his balls in the tub.
August 22nd, 2008
oh, gabe and i have suffered.
me with the eyes (taking out contacts after touching peppers. OUCH!) and he with the balls.
i sooo hear you.
August 22nd, 2008
HAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I’m laughing with him, not at him.
Back in college I hung out with a lot of musicians, band musicians, and they decided to play a pickup game of football. Which is fine, except they were musicians, and not in the best shape to be doing such a thing. One of our friends, a french horn player, ended up with pulling a muscle in his groin, and put BenGay on it to help, except he got a little too close to his boys. Which then proceeded to alternately freeze and then burn. I should have filmed the dance he did as a result, I really should have. Priceless.
August 22nd, 2008
LMAO…first about the eye and then the balls….too funny
And i fully expect both peppers and tomatos when i come by next time
August 22nd, 2008
Never a dull moment with Dave, huh?
August 22nd, 2008
So did he make you Google “Tiger Balmed Balls”?
August 22nd, 2008
I wanted to make some corny joke about pepper eye vs. the stink eye but I’m laughing too hard.
Thank Dave for me. I needed that.
August 22nd, 2008
Poor Dave, she said, as she stifled snorts of hysterical laughter.
August 22nd, 2008
That post just made me laugh so hard I was crying. Crying! So funny but mainly because I can see my husband doing the same thing with the tiger balm… hilarious.
August 22nd, 2008
Your title gave it all away….
Packaged DRIED peppers? Just as hot. Same effect.
August 22nd, 2008
Hey lady, I have bestowed upon you an award–visit my blog to get it!
August 22nd, 2008
LOL!
I guess that’s one way to cure someone of that habit!
August 22nd, 2008
I would love to come for dinner and go home with a bag of delicious home grown fruits and veggies….
I think I’ll pass on the Tiger Balls though.
too funny!
August 22nd, 2008
ahhhh, sounds just like my bert.
toyfoto-haahahahahahahaa
August 22nd, 2008
The thing is I have this special privilige. I have actually HEARD your REAL voice talking Dave down whatever particular ledge he was on in that particular moment. So when I read this I just hear you but I also see the hand on the forehead and the eyes rolling and the body language.
I love dave, god knows, but where on earth did you find him?
No NO WAIT!!@!!! The bowling alley could be called DAVE’S BURNING BALLS!
I want royalties.
August 22nd, 2008
Niiiiice…….
I’m SO jealous of the peppers though! I would *love* to have those. (although not in my eye, doh)
Your story about tomatoes is similar to how it is here regarding eggs. I hand out those suckers and as many of them as I can to anyone and everywhere I go. LOL
August 22nd, 2008
How were you not jumping around singing Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire? I’m guessing though, that that did not teach him to keep his hands off of them, being a guy and all.
But the eye? Oh, holy hell, I can’t even imagine. OUCH.
and LOL @ crazymumma
August 23rd, 2008
Hehe :) You know how to make my day.
August 23rd, 2008
I feel really bad for laughing, but oh my god, the Tiger Balm balls are cracking me up.
August 23rd, 2008
That is still the funniest damn story. But, of course, I’m not laughing AT Dave. I’m lauging with him. Assuming he can laugh about this now.
August 23rd, 2008
Clearly your husband has a sick subconscious desire to set his own body parts afire. I’m afraid of what his next victim will be.
August 23rd, 2008
OMG! I laughed out loud, then I got Hubby to read this and HE laughed out loud. Funniest thing I’ve read tonight! Thanks!
August 23rd, 2008
Now all I can think of is that scene (that famous scene) in Judy Blume’s Forever when Michael puts cologne on his balls and it burns. It was called Moustache. Heh.
August 24th, 2008
Ha Ha!! Tell Dave thanks for the good laugh!!
August 24th, 2008
Ha ha! Good thing you didn’t have. Just trust me on that one, ‘kay? Not that I’d know from experience or anything. ;)
August 24th, 2008
The thing that kills me about the pepper eye story is that he ASKED you first. And then didn’t wait for an answer. And tiger balm balls. Wow. Just, wow.
August 25th, 2008
Oh, the images that you paint. Sounds a lot like my house.
A little funny: I told my husband the other night to read your post about your daughter’s heart…you know, a blogger who writes really well…So, he started reading just a little and he said very non-plussed, “Oh, she’s a Lesbian?”
Laying in bed with Julia…dude, that’s all it takes for a man’s mind to start wondering. Of course I smacked him upside the head and told him that Julia is your daughter.
August 25th, 2008
So, my husband works with a guy who engaged in some hanky panky with his wife post pepper-cutting, and his wife was apparently more sensitive to the pepper oils than he and the poor woman got a whole lot more burning that she’d bargained for. Another reason to wear gloves when handling the really hot peppers.
August 25th, 2008
which bus did he ride to school?
I KID!
August 26th, 2008
Here is a similar story just for you.
When the GH was working on his masters degree he went out to a party hosted by one of his classmates. He got there and I guess volunteered to make salsa or something since it was all guys and no one else knew how. So he cut up the peppers, and tomatoes, and onions, and he claimed when he came home that it was quite tasty and everyone liked it.
He was feeling, shall we say frisky? until suddenly I yelled, “Did you wash your hands after cutting those peppers?” While jumping out of bed and running for the bathroom screaming something like I’m on fire as well.
Needless to say he did not get lucky that night.
And now I see that someone already posted this story 2 comments ago.
ohwell.
August 26th, 2008
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