The day I found out I was pregnant with Julia I sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to have a baby – I did, very much; a miscarriage nine months earlier made me realize just how much. It’s just that…they threw me completely off-guard, those two flaming pink lines. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant.
I had no job. I had barely finished renovating my childhood home and was knee-deep in wedding prep. Not three months after I buried my mother, I discovered I was going to become one myself. The emptiness within me – the vast, all-encompassing emptiness – immediately began to weave itself within a cloak of panicky loneliness. I was going to be a mother, and my own wouldn’t be there for it. I was going to be a mother without a mother.
I wasn’t ready.
I sat that day, perched on the edge of the tub in my frayed white terrycloth housecoat, and cried. Dave put his hand on my knee and spoke in a level, calm tone. He was support. He was excited. He was hopeful.
And of course I felt the same way. I knew it was right, I felt it was right – that we were right, Dave and I – and that this huge thing, this Big Life Thing that had fallen from the sky and completely changed my life in a one minute I’m taking a shower and the next minute I’m having a family kind of way was a good thing.
But I was really scared.
I immediately felt a connection with her, my unborn child. I knew she was a girl and I could sense the depth of our connection, the way it radiated through me. I would lie in bed at night and feel her deep, fluttering movement and I’d close my eyes and marvel at what was happening inside of me, this life forming; my daughter, becoming.
During my pregnancy I feared that having her would trigger a flood wave of grief, grief that lay buried in dark, unchartered territory. I worried that my instincts wouldn’t kick in, that I wouldn’t know what to do with her; that I wouldn’t know what to do, period. I had dreams where I’d go out and remember midway through the evening that I’d forgotten my newborn at home.
But when she came it was just joy. Joy and awe and calm and peace and gentleness and love, love, love. She had come, and we were ready. The connection was there, it had been all along, and we were a family. We were three.
I see so much of my mother in Julia; her beauty and her soul, her features and movements, and alongside that I see this incredible little girl with so much heart and kindness and good within her. I see someone I am proud of, someone I love wholly, fully, with every part of my being.
After I’d had her, when people came to see her all tiny and sweet-smelling, they’d tell me to enjoy it, that it went by too fast, childhood. And I’d understand but only sort-of, because she was so new and I felt so clear in the moment that the days felt like they’d stretch forever. They really did.
I understand a bit better now, though; the years, they slip by quickly. It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in my grandfather’s rocking chair with her at my breast and I’m lost in those days today, her fifth birthday.
My girl is five today; it is a beautiful life that she has given me.
It is a beautiful day.
52 Comments, Comment or Ping
Happy happy birthday to you. (and of course to Julia). The days of my daughters’ births are always special to me. Not just as their birthdays but for the realization that another year has gone by and I’ve been allowed to share in the lives of these amazing young women. And the one memory that comes up each time is sitting in the rocking chair at some ungodly hour of the night nursing them and singing. Just the two of us in the quiet dark. I miss that sometimes.
June 12th, 2008
Happy birthday, Julia! You are such an old soul, and yet utterly yourself.
June 12th, 2008
I love birthday posts. This is sweet and poignant.
Happy Birthday Julia.
June 12th, 2008
What a special day – and a lovely post!!
June 12th, 2008
Happy B-day. Five was impossible for me. Five is not a baby. She is not allowed to grow up. In 3 months she will be six and I want her to be with me forever.
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia. If only you had been born one day later, I would have gladly shared my birthday with you.
And to mamaT: a beautiful post, as always, my friend.
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia
June 12th, 2008
What a wonderful post.
Happy Birthday to your little girl.
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia….she’s a wonderful beautiful girl, and you are a wonderfully amazing momma
June 12th, 2008
happy birthday julia!!!!
that line “my daughter, becoming.” gave me shivers!
June 12th, 2008
Five is quite a milestone! Happy 5th to you. And to your mom.
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia.
June 12th, 2008
darn it girl – I’m damp eyed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIA – You will rock five! And give your momma five hugs and five kisses and five “I love you”s – she deserves it.
June 12th, 2008
Happy 5th birthday, Julia!
You’re right … those long, dark nights of early infancy do feel like they stretch to infinity. And then suddenly you are talking about kindergarten and holy hell where did the time go?
June 12th, 2008
A beautiful post, written by a beautiful woman, a mother, for her beautiful daughter.
Happy Birthday, Julia. Happy mama day, mamaT.
June 12th, 2008
Very sweet post. The “connection with your unborn child” paragraph was high calibre top notch stuff. Loved it.
June 12th, 2008
This made me all misty eyed. Happy birthday, Julia.
June 12th, 2008
Oh! What a beautiful birthday post. Hope you all have a wonderful day.
June 12th, 2008
Happy birthday Julia, Happy birthday Mama T!
5 is such a great age. Enjoy the day.
June 12th, 2008
I love this line: “I worried that my instincts wouldn’t kick in….” That summed up perfectly how I and L felt about our first child, and I think it’s a fair description of the feeling most new parents get. May I use it?
June 12th, 2008
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIA!!! Your Mommy is awesome!
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia!!
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday, Julia! She is a wonderful little girl.
June 12th, 2008
What a sweet post. Happy Birthday Julia!
June 12th, 2008
I have chills from the love in your words. It’s a true wonder how fast those years go and how the joyous baby turns into such a brilliant, loving, smart person.
Happy 5th to your wonder!
June 12th, 2008
Happy birthday, Julia.
To know that love so early in pregnancy…so early in a pregnancy when there is no child yet.. that is a remarkable thing. I didn’t have that with my pregnancy with Miss M but I do know the feeling now.
June 12th, 2008
Please print this post and save it in a book for Julia, along with some of the others you’ve written about her.
This is a tribute to your mother and your daughter and a reflection of your own beautiful self.
June 12th, 2008
I cried as well, when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I was not ready. But she was ready for me obviously and I think we both know (you and I) that our daughters have far more pull on the universe than we do.
Happy Birthday Julia! May all your birthday wishes come true.
June 12th, 2008
How was I to know you’d end up here, from a bathtub to a birthday. From a loss to a new life. Lovely. happy birthday, both of you
June 12th, 2008
Ohh….it does go by MUCH too fast ;-(
Happy Birthday, Julia!!!!!
June 12th, 2008
HBD sweet girl
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Sweet Julia!
June 12th, 2008
So awesome, this post.
Happy Day to you all.
xo
June 12th, 2008
Congratulations on 5 years! A beautiful tribute to your daughter and your mother.
June 12th, 2008
Time sure does fly–way too fast, when you have children!
Happy Birthday to your daughter today–what a lovely post.
June 12th, 2008
Amen. They give a whole new meaning to “birthday gift.” Lovely post.
Happy Birthday!!!
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday Julia.
That was the sweetest birthday tribute ever. Beautiful.
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday, Julia!
June 12th, 2008
Happy Birthday to your girl! She’s lucky to have you for a mom.
June 12th, 2008
Happy birthday, from one Julia to another.
June 12th, 2008
What a lovely birthday tribute.
June 12th, 2008
Oh. My. Word.
Happy Birthday Ms. Julia.
(((((((MamaT))))))
June 12th, 2008
Beautiful. And true, what those old grannies would say to you, that it goes fast. Once that first years passes, with all its angst, it does fly, I was noticing myself. Still, it is amazing what time has wrought, is it not?
Happy birthday Julia – and thanks for bringing your mom so much love and joy.
June 13th, 2008
Happy Birthday to your sweet daughter. My oldest was born today (the 13th), and he’s 13. It does indeed go fast.
Hugs,
a.
June 13th, 2008
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
I am so glad that the experience of having a tiny girl has been healing—it has been for me, too, in many ways.
June 13th, 2008
Five! Wow. A whole hand.
You know, they do grow up quickly, but you never get a chance to mourn the age they’ll never be again because you’re too busy enjoying the age they are now. Even when Julia is grown, you’ll enjoy her as a woman, as a friend, and as the adult you created. The dynamics change, but the love stays the same.
June 13th, 2008
So very lovely.
Happy Birthday to your big girl.
June 13th, 2008
Happy Birthday to Julia!
I never understood in those first long sleepless days how nostalgic I would be for them already.
June 14th, 2008
A truly lovely post…. I hope she had a wonderful 5th birthday.
June 15th, 2008
Great post!!! Happy birhtday Julia!!!
June 16th, 2008
Gorgeous, gorgeous post. I’m only sorry I’m so late getting to it.
Happy Birthday, Julia!
June 18th, 2008
Oh honey, you are such a beautiful writer. I hope you know that. I’m saddened that I missed Julia’s actual birthday. I like to think of myself as the aunt she has yet to meet. I know I will love her as much as I love you.
You write so eloquently, it reminded me of the birth of my daughter. I knew she was a girl too, and while I prayed she was nothing like my mom, I felt a connection to her that I knew I would find no where else in this world.
I see her now and I’m breathless. She is everything I hoped for and ever wished for.
Just like I know Julia is with you.
Thanks for sharing this.
I love you friend. It seems so unfair there is so much space between us.
Just remember me showing my boobs to you. That’ll gap the distance.
heh.
June 19th, 2008
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