I’ve been staring at the cursor blinking on a blank Word document for about ten minutes now and the truth is, I don’t know what to say. The last two weeks have spun me around, wrung me out and left me feeling completely brain dead. I sat here and considered writing about going to the cemetery with Julia on Sunday, and how when I got there I didn’t feel my mother around me at all, not one tiny bit, and how I realized that I don’t feel her at the cemetery because she’s not there, she’s with me, around me, beside me, within me; alongside my children and my family, in our home. Always. And then I thought about telling you guys that it did happen, the inevitable – I got sick on Mother’s Day with the bug that’s swept through my household – but I’m tired of writing about sickness and sadness and saying goodbye.
I’ve written before about finding the beauty in every day, something that I started doing when my mother was dying. That time in my life, those days, they were low, low days, and it was all I could do to keep my head above water and not sink beneath the weight of death. I would wake up in the morning, get myself ready and head to the hospital, and even though I wanted to scream and cry and rage and run away from it all I would take a deep breath and open myself up to the beauty, the beauty that I knew was all around me. It was something I held on to, clung to; it was something that got me through the day.
While I was staring at the blinking cursor I could hear the birds outside chirping away and I smiled to myself, because one of the things I enjoy the most about living here is the birds we get in our backyard. There are finches, magnificent yellow and black finches that zip from branch to branch so quickly they’re hard to keep track of. There are purple marlins and red-breasted robins that spend hours digging for worms in the grass, and a pair of turtle doves that have taken up home in the garden beneath the kitchen window. They’re silly things, those birds, but the kids and I have become quite taken with them. We’ve gotten in the habit of tossing stale breadcrumbs and seed among the flowers for them and one afternoon last week, while Julia was still sick, she and I sat on the patio together, her in my lap with my arms wrapped around her, and decided they needed names.
Elvis and Priscilla.
Us naming the turtle doves reminds me of my mum because it’s something she would have done, and did do. Every time I see – or hear – a cardinal I think of her, because there was a cardinal who used to sit on the branch outside of her bedroom window every morning and sing, to her of course, and she named him Claude. Claude the Cardinal. The thought of it still makes me smile.
This morning after Oliver and I had gotten back from dropping Julia off at school he asked if we could go outside and say good morning to the birds. I slipped on my shoes and we walked, hand in hand, across the damp, dew-kissed grass to the garden. Elvis and Priscilla weren’t there, so we turned our attention to filling the bird feeders. I smiled as he scooped up cupfuls of seed and poured them carefully in the feeders; I thought of my Gram, who loved all of the birds she saw at her farm, and of my mum, and how just by feeding the birds and watching them out my windows I felt connected to those two powerfully important women in my life, the women who I miss so much, but whose presence I feel around me, always.
And then Oliver looked up to the tree branches above us, smiled and said, “Hello, birdies. I’m a little boy named Oliver.”
Beauty.
38 Comments, Comment or Ping
Wow! I was there with you. What a time you have with those birds. They’re a marvel and in that they were “handed down to you” it makes them even more special. And why is it that I want to save anyone. I read that and I wanted to save you. Not sure what I would save you from…the flu…death…mourning. Life is so rich and it is so not fair. Hope you’re better.
May 13th, 2008
That is so darling
May 13th, 2008
Very nice post. Love Oliver’s introduction to the birds – what a cutie!
My nana was very partial to Cardinals too and on Mother’s day, Cardinals kept darting out in front of my truck. Go figure!
Hope you are feeling better from the creeping crud.
May 13th, 2008
Such a beautiful post…really. In our yard, the mourning doves are called George and Gracie.
May 13th, 2008
you are such a beautiful writer, always bringing your thoughts full circle, packed with visuals that make me feel as though I’m in your time and place.
lovely.
May 13th, 2008
ah. beauty.
and Oliver? kills me. he’s too cute.
May 13th, 2008
A lovely picture you’ve painted for us – and Oliver! Awww….
May 13th, 2008
You do wonders with blank cursors, lady.
May 13th, 2008
awww – you always manage to make me tear up – even when you’re writing about birds…
May 13th, 2008
Can you send me that sweet boy now? I’ll pay shipping charges.
May 13th, 2008
This bird nerd in the ’shwa would guess you have mourning doves (seriously one of the dumbest birds ever) http://tinyurl.com/6fsm9o. I’ve been listening to the orioles and bullfrogs around here and loving it too. Hope the flu passes soon.
May 13th, 2008
you know, you’ve been on my mind, sister. it seems like it’s been a hell of a few weeks, and you’ve been on my mind.
May 13th, 2008
I’m afraid to meet Oliver because I’m pretty sure my heart would explode. And the thing with birds for me (because I could spend hours watching them) is the ability to fly, to soar, to sing – skills they (almost) all possess. Now I think I might name my cardinal buddy Claude because it’s just such a great name for such a regal bird.
May 13th, 2008
Speaking of beauty…. That was one beautiful post….
I love cardinals…. Now I’ll probably start calling cardinal’s “Claude.” Your mother must have been extraordinarily wonderful….
May 13th, 2008
A beautiful post amidst the sickness and sorrow you’ve been experiencing lately.
May 13th, 2008
oh that sweet boy just clinched it at the end.
May 13th, 2008
Oh, Tulip. What a beautiful piece you’ve written here. Stunning, really.
And Oliver? I’m expecting great things from that boy. Julia, too, for that matter. Those kids have your heart, and that’s saying a lot.
May 13th, 2008
My mother named the squirrels that roosted outside of our childhood home. Feziwig, Doublewig, Squirrelly and The Ganuff Brothers. (that’s ‘thief’ in Yiddish)
Good stuff Mama T.
May 13th, 2008
With a family and a life as beautiful as yours, wouldn’t your Mom rather be hanging out around you? Absolutely. Without a doubt.
May 13th, 2008
wow, what a special moment… i hope you had a lovely mothers day despite being ill.
May 14th, 2008
I must have a different cursor… cause your words are simply beauitful. ((hugs))
May 14th, 2008
Yesterday we were watching old videos of our teenagers from when they were babies and toddlers. Oliver’s comment to the birdies just grabbed my heart and sqeezed it really tight. What a sweet, sweet moment! Sorry you were sick on Mother’s Day.
May 14th, 2008
O is tha shit
May 14th, 2008
Out of the mouth of babes.
((happy sigh)).
Love to you my dear friend.
a.
May 14th, 2008
I was in the car the other day and I thought maybe, on Mothers Day should go to the park where I had scattered my parents ashes. Then, with no one in the car i shook my head and said, out loud. No I do not need to do that.
Anyhow, graveyard or park or home. they are around. Part of us slipping sometimes close and sometimes far away.
But Oliver and the birds. Yes. beautiful.
May 14th, 2008
awww beautiful :)
May 14th, 2008
You mom is all around you. And I am sure she is proud of the mother you are…and the beautiful person you are.
May 14th, 2008
A touching, lovely reminder to notice all the beauty that surrounds us.
May 14th, 2008
For me, it’s squirrels. I started teaching Pumpkinpie to talk to them so they will stop and watch or even come over, always curious and chipper. They give me exactly the same kind of little lift, and I keep thinking I have to start keeping peanuts in my purse. Or does that make me the crazy rodent lady?
May 14th, 2008
I’ve been obsessed with birds this year and have been trying to figure out how to write about it. I think you helped me find the reason why. Thank you..
May 14th, 2008
Aw, Mama.
So, so pretty.
May 14th, 2008
Jack and Jill live in my back yard.Oliver made my heart sing. :)
May 15th, 2008
what would’ve it been like if you felt like you HAD something to say? “cause this was pretty powerful, all on it’s own.
May 15th, 2008
that is so precious.
big hugs for you, m’dear.
♥
May 15th, 2008
I love your birds. Very endearing. :)
May 16th, 2008
I love this post.
May 16th, 2008
Mmm.
Beauty indeed.
May 18th, 2008
There is a lot of wisdom in your words here.
I am moved to respond to/find the beauty around me too.
THanks
May 21st, 2008
Reply to “Presence”