I woke up just after six this morning to the sound of someone’s dog going batshit crazy in his – or her – backyard. Now, I like dogs just as much as the next guy but I was sorely tempted to shout obscenities out the window at ol’ Fido, as if that would help. I mean, the sun wasn’t even up yet.
So I got up, shut the window and got back in bed. Closed my eyes, got comfy and was just about to drift off again when Chewy appeared at my bedside, full of piss and vinegar.
(He does this every. single. morning. like clockwork – appears at my bedside between 6.15 and 6.30a.m., whining and moaning. It drives us NUCKING FUTS. I am *this close* to locking him in the basement at night. This close!)
So I got up again and kicked gently nudged my fluffy, puffy, whiny-ass cat out the door. Turned around to get back in my sweet, warm bed when I see a sobbing blob floating toward me – it was Julia, who thought I was Dave. I couldn’t see her because I didn’t have my glasses on and she was crying because she thought Dave was leaving for work without saying goodbye.
Awwwww. So I peered and squinted at her and knelt down on the hall floor to hug and kiss her before telling her to get back in bed. Then I got back in my sweet, warm bed…closed my eyes, got comfy and was just about to drift off again when my muthafuckin' fluffy, puffy cat appeared at my bedside to TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
Again.
And I got mad. Really mad. I shot up in bed, whipped the covers back and pushed them down, with force…onto Dave’s family jewels.
Poor Dave. Waking up to a fist in the balls before 7am is totally shitty, I’m sure.
He started shouting, something along the lines of OH MY GOD, MY NUTSAC! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, BABE? And all I could think about was him waking Oliver up, so I was apologizing and shushing him at the same time. (I was also thinking about how sweet it was of him to still call me babe after I’d just sacked him awake.)
So he got up and hobbled to the bathroom and I apologized again and we both got back in to bed and drifted off for those precious last few minutes. Then his alarm went off and our morning routine began; after he finished showering he came back in the bedroom to say goodbye, and I hauled my sorry ass out of bed and got in the shower.
When I stepped out of the shower, Julia was standing in the bathroom in her nightgown, weeping. She looked seriously forlorn, so for the second time in forty minutes I got down on my knees and hugged her. I had a hard time not laughing when she told me what was wrong – she wanted a pet unicorn.
“This tall, Mummy,” she wept, holding her hand up to her waist. “I want one this tall.”
She was completely broken up about this pet unicorn. “Daddy said he’d keep it in mind,” she sniffled. “Can we get one?”
I asked her where we’d keep a unicorn and discovered she’d put serious thought into this: it would stay in her room, in a trap (her word, not mine), and she’d let it out every day to play with it and brush its hair and let it run around in the backyard. She’d feed it unicorn food and hug it and kiss it and love it for the rest of her life.
I didn’t have the heart to laugh at her or tell her that unicorns weren’t real and that even if they were, there was no way in hell we’d be getting her one. So while I got dressed I told her that unicorns grew into horses and that we didn’t have the room for a horse, so would she settle for a stuffed unicorn instead?
Her face lit up and she nodded excitedly and my quest for a stuffed unicorn officially began, and then I got Oliver dressed, went downstairs and poured myself a coffee.
39 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh C’mon, let her have one if she keeps it in a TRAP!
April 22nd, 2008
“Waking up to a fist in the balls before 7am is totally shitty, I’m sure”
Sounds like an awesome Cafe Press T-shirt to me!
April 22nd, 2008
And that, folks, is just what happens first thing in the morning at Mama T’s house. It’s never boring around there, is it?
:)
April 22nd, 2008
You have the most precious little girl ever. OMG. Glad she settled for the stuffed one instead!
Oh, and *ahem* I hope Dave has….recovered.
;-)
April 22nd, 2008
omg that is super cute!
April 22nd, 2008
i say you buy it for her and if it misbehaves give it to your neighbors with the yapper
April 22nd, 2008
Maybe he was calling you “Babe” because he thought he was about to get sexy (but rough) good morning hello…
April 22nd, 2008
I prefer to kick my husband in the balls rather than punch him, but hey. Different strokes for different folks…
April 22nd, 2008
My husband’s alarm goes off at 5:15 a.m. My son needs to get up at 6 a.m. and my daughter at 6:30 a.m.
I am not a morning person. And I don’t do coffee.
After everyone leaves, I sometimes crawl back into bed at 7:30 a.m….Sweet…
April 22nd, 2008
Perhaps it’s inappropriate, but I can’t stop laughing about Dave’s rude awakening. My daughter is now laughing at me for laughing so hard.
April 22nd, 2008
Aw, now I want a unicorn, too!
April 22nd, 2008
mornings are a bizarre species. sometimes i fantasize about the days when i could sleep straight through til eleven like a dead thing, snoring. but then…ah then, there were no unicorns.
hope Dave recovered. :)
April 22nd, 2008
Damn. You couldn’t make this shit up. Me? I’d have been curled into a whimpering, rocking fetal ball.
But I do have a stuffed unicorn under my bed. Possibly also a beanie baby unicorn, too.
April 22nd, 2008
That, my dear, is the funniest, THE FUNNIEST thing I’ve read in a long time. I made my husband come and listen and he laughed his ass off too.
April 22nd, 2008
I also now want a unicorn. I mean, if I can keep it in a trap, where’s the harm?
I’m also picturing unicorn food. In my head, it’s like sparkly grain.
Make sure you tell Julia thanks for momentarily activating my whimsy. I thought it had collapsed under the nursing-every-two-hours sleep deprivation.
April 22nd, 2008
Awww, now I want a unicorn. A REAL unicorn. Only I want mine to fly. And, I want it to fly me to a distant island for, like, a week. And, we’ll have margaritas together.
April 22nd, 2008
um. ahem.
in MY house. MY magical house? Unicorns are REAL dude. real.
April 22nd, 2008
Ohmigod I laughed so hard my sides hurt. I am so impressed that you kept going back to bed. What optimism!
April 22nd, 2008
i love my balls before 7am proper.
April 22nd, 2008
Aw! I want a baby unicorn too!
April 23rd, 2008
poor Dave. He’s a trooper.
I went through a unicorn phase. Collected them and everything. Then some guy told me (when I was in high school) that it meant i had a penis fetish. Like a unicorn horn looks anything like a weiner!!!
April 23rd, 2008
Can’t speak. Trouble breathing. Too.much.empathy.
But more importantly, did you find the unicorn?
April 23rd, 2008
Well I just hope you massaged Dave’s bits better again afterwards.
April 23rd, 2008
It is super sweet that he calls you babe after punching him in the nuts – now that’s true love. Oh and get the kid the unicorn, she’s done the research, she has a plan, what’s one more member of the menagerie called family?
April 23rd, 2008
julia is so awesome. of COURSE she wants a unicorn.
April 23rd, 2008
i wouldn’t be able to tell her about the unicorn either. LOVED this post!
April 23rd, 2008
My man wakes up to go to work at 4:45 am – he’s a firefighter – and, morning’s that he’s sleeping at the station, our evil, evil cat and dog wake me up at the same time to feed them. The cat touches the dog, the dog barks, I swear, I trip over the cat ever single time, the baby wakes up. And, unfortunately, there are no unicorns yet to make it all better.
April 23rd, 2008
Yeah, but you know how that feels? When you just wake up from a dream? And it was so very, very real and you were so very, very close? It’s heartbreaking! I can totally empathize with the desperate desire for a unicorn.
And, “daddy said he’d keep it in mind”? Priceless. Every time my three-year-old asks me for something now she prefaces with, “Don’t think about it! DON’T THINK!”
April 23rd, 2008
God, some mornings aren’t worth it AT ALL!
And unicorn? Here. I have also seen a hobby horse unicorn that I was considering for Pumpkinpie. It’s by Melissa & Doug, and I’ve seen it in toystores, but here’s a Toys R Us link so you can see it.
April 23rd, 2008
Don’t unicorns live on stardust and fairy sprinkles? In which case, they wouldn’t be bugging you at 6am for breakfast and walkies.
Just sayin’.
April 23rd, 2008
What a sweetheart she is.
We are going through a fairy craze here.
Glad Dave and the family jewels are intact! ;)
April 24th, 2008
p.s. we have two cheesie as hell plastic inflatable unicorns…one in pink and one in purple…from the circus and you are MORE THAN WELCOME to adopt them
April 24th, 2008
Whoa, Mama. I’d list all the things I love about this post, but we just don’t have that kind of time.
Do have to mention that once again, Dave’s got me by the….heart. How much do you have to love a guy who calls you Babe after you’ve sacked him? Lots.
And that darling J-girl who wants to keep a unicorn in a trap.
And then there’s you. Always you. The lovely leader of the pack. A mother who, in the middle of chaos, thinks to offer a stuffed unicorn. Who does not laugh but sure does make us laugh.
So much fun.
April 24th, 2008
Awwwww! Have you found one yet? Because it could become the next big blogger thing to do. The search for the perfect unicorn.
April 25th, 2008
I hope that you take Brandy in your coffee.
Or Jim Beam.
And I think that you should keep pepper spray next to your bed. You’d be surprised what it helps with.
April 25th, 2008
Poor unicorn…living in a trap. :-)
April 26th, 2008
Poor Dave. I’m just glad you didn’t wake up like that when we slept together.
Heh.
Send Julia my way. I’ve been told that I shoot rainbows and unicorns out my arse on a regular basis. I’d gladly share.
April 27th, 2008
OMG.
So, so funny.
So funny.
April 27th, 2008
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