My husband is a dreamer – a creative thinker, if you will. He is constantly coming up with ideas – products, business proposals, web sites – that he thinks will be The Next Big Thing, the brainchild of his that will catapult him instantly to lifelong financial freedom and worldwide fame. To date, some of his brilliant moneymaking ideas include a breast pump mothers can use while driving, the (now defunct) web sites Send Money to My Paypal Account and Ghost Boner (don’t ask), and his most recent obsession idea, Dave’s Balls.
He usually rides these brainwaves for a couple of weeks before moving on to the next one, which is exactly what happened with Dave’s Balls. For weeks he went on and on (and on) about the alley – the lounge it would have, the food it would serve, the music it would play…and, of course, the ball jokes, of which there were plenty. And then, almost as quickly as the idea came to him, it left – I haven’t heard about Dave’s Balls for about a month, because he’s got a new focus now: photography.
About two weeks ago, on an unseasonably warm day, Dave’s interest in photography picked up again. He’d taken Julia for a walk around our neighbourhood with my camera and by nightfall he was fantasizing about quitting his job to become a full-fledged photographer. Trouble is, he’s lacking a few integral aspects of being a professional photographer, like, oh, equipment. And experience.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Dave studied photography in both high school and college. He has a natural eye for photographs, a talent I do not have and am insanely jealous of. He does take really cool pictures. But there is a difference, my friends, between amateur and professional.
A big difference.
So when he started waxing poetic about building his own darkroom in the basement and creating a web site to showcase his abilities and Freedom 35, kicking back and really living life, blah, blah, blah, I chalked it up to the newest Next Big Thing and figured that in two weeks I’d be listening to him wax poetic about another fabulous idea.
But he kept taking pictures and spent countless evenings on his laptop, building his web site and finally, he asked me to take a look at it before he put it online. I shimmied down the couch to where he was sitting and pulled his laptop into my lap.
The first thing that caught my attention was the Testimonials page, which was outfitted with italicized quotes like, “Great use of light!”, “A very creative photographer!” and “Awesome!”
I raised an eyebrow. “Dave,” I said sharply. “Testimonials?”
“What?” he asked defensively.
“I think they should go,” I laughed. “They’re obviously made up.”
He grinned sheepishly at me. “Keep looking,” he said.
The next tab I clicked on, Rates, looked something like this:
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
How much do you want to pay?
I gaped at him. “You’re going to charge people?” I stifled a giggle. “Really?”
“Just keep looking,” he said. He was trying not to laugh. His face was red. Quite red.
Keep looking. Righty-o. Next up was the About page, where he’d listed his areas of expertise. It looked something like this:
You are in the right place if you are looking for Architectural, Baby, Black & White, Commercial, Concert, Digital, Documentary, Equine, Fine Art (Glamour/Nude/Fashion), Landscape, Nature, and many other genres of photography!
I sat there for a minute, let what I’d read sink in. Then I put my husband’s laptop on the coffee table me and turned to face him.
He looked at me expectantly. “What do you think?”
I tried to choose my words carefully. “It’s, um, a nice site, babe, but it’s a bit…cocky.”
He started to laugh. “Cocky? What do you mean, cocky?”
“You’re boasting that you can take some pretty serious pictures, Dave. When was the last time you were on a Fine Art photo shoot? I mean, just because you watch America’s Next Top Model with me doesn’t mean you’re set to shoot high fashion, you know?”
He was laughing so hard he could barely speak.
I rolled my eyes. “And,” I continued, “don’t photographers have decent cameras? You’re going to like, show up with the Canon you bought me for my birthday at the pawn shop and our piece of shit Kodak Easy Share and expect people to pay you?”
By this point his eyes were all squinty and his face was turning a deep shade of purple.
“AND,” I went on, “since fucking when did you start shooting NUDES?” I had to will myself not to fall over laughing.
Tears were streaming down his face. “I didn’t know it said that, babe,” he managed to choke out. “I just put it in there as filler.”
“Some filler,” I snorted. “Nudes, Dave? Nudes? You’re going to put up a web site that says you shoot NUDES? When were you planning on telling me about the nudes?”
I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn that colour of purple before; he was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, and neither could I. I busted his balls about nudes for days afterward, and even now, weeks later, all I have to do is walk by him and say nudes? and he starts turning purple again.
He did, however, revamp his site. And for now, my husband is (thankfully) keeping his day job.
44 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh, Dave. If I could afford to send him money every time one of your stories about him cracked my shit up, he really could retire now.
Nudes. SNICKER.
April 16th, 2008
eek.
April 16th, 2008
Well hey! If you’re going to go for broke on a project that you have no experience with, why NOT shoot nudes? Maybe you can cash in on the crazy narcissist-who-can’t-afford-anyone-else niche market.
It’s a growing market.
April 16th, 2008
So what happens if some overweight old guy with a pimply ass asks him to shoot nudes? I mean, the chances of that happening before some smoking hot model are pretty high. ;)
April 16th, 2008
He does have a good eye. The photos are decent and interesting. Nudes, huh? My husband would so jump on that if he knew how to use the camera.
April 16th, 2008
Perhaps I can hire Dave to shoot my expose of me posing as different naked village people?
April 16th, 2008
OK, I’ll be the asshole who says that someone offering peices of art should be able to spell pieces.
Also, I don’t know if this is intentional or not, but reading the titlepage gives me the impression that all images are either enhanced or scans from print. I’d acknowledge which images are print scans, which are enhanced, and which are straight from the digicam shots.
I like some of the shots, though.
And, FWIW, equipment does not the photographer make. Quite the opposite, actually. A couple decent lenses, a speedlight (flash), and a tripod are all you need for the majority of situations if you have a good eye and a steady hand. (Of course, a decent sized CCD related to the size of prints you expect to have is also important, but unless you’re looking to get into poster sized prints, 8MP is probably fine.) The differences between the “pro” and “amateur” DSLRs are the extras that most decent photographers don’t need.
April 16th, 2008
oh, Dave. good one, Dave. You’re a legend, Dave.
April 16th, 2008
Ah, the entrepreneurial spirit is a hard one to tame. Good luck!
April 16th, 2008
His work is quite amazing isn’t it! I am trying to send him a sassy email but it keeps getting bounced back.
April 16th, 2008
Oh Dave…..
April 16th, 2008
this explains so very much to me……i had been wondering wth was up with the nudes
April 16th, 2008
Well, I have to say that while I don’t go to the extent of thinking I can retire off them, I occasionally dream up schemes that I think could maybe make me a little extra on the side. Not that any have reached the point of follow-through…
I’m just stating for the record now that I am not volunterring to be a subject for his nudes. You’re welcome, everyone.
April 16th, 2008
Just when I was looking for someone to photograph me nekkid. Drat!
April 16th, 2008
I really miss Dave’s Balls. BRING IT BACK!
And watching ANTM doesn’t qualify you for doing a fashion shoot? Dang, gotta take that one off my resume. Does that work for Project Runway too because I was getting a lot of buzz around my Fall 2008 collection.
April 16th, 2008
Maybe for the nudes he took photos of balls?
April 16th, 2008
Great photography, but not one nude in the bunch? I call that false advertising. Hrmph!
April 16th, 2008
wait a minute…your Dave is MY Dave? uncanny. except yours apparently has the grace to turn purple when he’s overshot his mark.
April 16th, 2008
Hah if you take away the apostrophe and the “s”es then you have my husband’s name… Glad he followed the “don’t quit your day job” advice. (and I’ll rant if I can… try naming your kid with the last name Ball… Harold? Nope he’d be Harry Ball. Richard? No, he’d be Dick Ball. How about Chase? Nope he’d be Chase Ball. Girl names aren’t much better – she’d be Crystal Ball and we’d have to install a stripper pole in the nursery.
April 16th, 2008
No photo of the purple head? Drat.
April 16th, 2008
I’d hire him to shoot nudes.
I’ve always wanted a tasteful nekkid pic of Boo.
Think Dave would be game?
LOL
April 16th, 2008
Nudes!
April 16th, 2008
Ghost Boner?
and it just got better from there. I can barely type.
April 16th, 2008
Oh sure, we’re all laughing now. Wait til Mama T writes the post about how she’ll be taking a break from blogging while she works on her book because Dave the Entrepreneur has hit the big time and she now has a nanny AND a maid (both of whom Dave has, um, NOT photographed nude.)
April 16th, 2008
Wow, that story really brightened up my day…and made me laugh out loud at work. I’m sure all of my co-workers think I’m crazy now! :)
April 16th, 2008
Okay, we started with Dave’s Balls, moved to his photography, and then on to “cocky” and nudes. Dangerous combinations, my friend.
Would write more, but have to go check out his site. Right. Now. (well, soon as I stop laughing)
April 16th, 2008
I was giggling madly, reading this. It sounds like SO MANY conversations I’ve had with my husband. Who has many good ideas. And poor follow through.
Thankfully.
April 16th, 2008
Awesome! Nudes? I’m glad I wasn’t eating when I read this, or it might’ve come out my nose….
The pictures are pretty cool though – very creative and original. I take pictures of faces. How boring. The pictures of the baby hands on the wall are really nice. Although if my husband said he was taking pictures of nudes, I would call him a super-perve!
April 16th, 2008
I totally think his site rocks. Seriously, he has talent and you can use a crappy point and shoot (which is what I use) to get great shots. I always think its funny when i see people going ape shit over a boring subject simply because they are using a $2,000 camera. It takes talent to get an artistic shot with a “Kodak easy share”…crack me up btw.
Anywhoo, I know not the point of your post but I thought I would share. I loved looking at his pics. And you! You my friend are a fine story teller.
Hugs,
a.
April 16th, 2008
i adore you guys.
April 16th, 2008
I dunno, Mama, he may have a point.
Those photos are excellent! :D GO DAVE! GO!
April 17th, 2008
oh, how i need to meet Dave…:)
April 17th, 2008
Now that I’ve met you I can actually picture you giving Dave shit about the nudes.
My God, I’m crying over here!!!
April 17th, 2008
Wait … was that a picture of Marilyn Manson on his website? Did he actually get thatclose to MM and not come down with some kind of horrendous disease, or at the very least, bad taste in accessories and tats?
April 17th, 2008
My husband got on my laptop last night and read the Dave’s Balls story. He was still laughing this morning. He thinks that it must be done.
April 17th, 2008
Balls? Nudes? Am I sensing a theme here? LOL!
April 17th, 2008
Do you know – I was doing a photo search the other week, and I came across this site! Coincidence??? Eerie, no?
I think he has some great shots, but ix-nay on the udes-nay.
April 17th, 2008
I think he should name his Nude Photography Business, “Dave’s Tits” .
;)
April 17th, 2008
Please, PLEASE tell us about “ghost boner.”
April 18th, 2008
HAHAHAHAAH. Dave rocks.
April 18th, 2008
GB was a site that put together from all the email forwards i have received over the years….
http://spiderweed.com/ghost/
Thats pretty much all you can say about it.
April 18th, 2008
I do like his work (on his site…I haven’t seen his nudes, lol). Your stories of Dave make me giggle. :)
April 20th, 2008
Your hubster is a very creative photographer!!!
April 21st, 2008
equine?!?!?!?
April 23rd, 2008
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