Oliver and I went out yesterday to pick up a few things and when we got to the checkout the lady working asked me if I wanted to put my purchases on my store credit card. Though I have one, I declined; I don’t like to use that card if I don’t have to, and I didn’t have to. She asked if I wanted to apply for one and as I put my stuff on the counter I smiled and said no thanks, I had one, but didn’t want to use it.
She launched into this spiel about how using my card is no different than using debit and if I use it, I get twice the points and that really, it’s the way to go, blahblahblah. I could feel the smile slipping off of my face – I don’t like being told how to pay for my purchases, thankyouverymuch. I told her I was aware of that but still didn’t want to use my card and she shook her head, gave me the “Your loss, lady” look and kept scanning my stuff while I mentally offered to pour her a nice, steaming cup of shut the fuck up.
The whole time this was going on, Oliver was asking for a sticker. Oliver has been given stickers by so many cashiers that he now expects to get a sticker at every single store we shop at. He thinks its commonplace to get stickers at the checkout and asks for them all the time, which is really starting to bother me. I mean, I don’t mind a sticker here and a sticker there, but it gets to be a bit much. Not only am I constantly picking stickers off of surfaces in my house and in the van, which is annoying to say the least, there’s the whole other issue of my son expecting to be given a treat everywhere he goes.
So when he started asking for a sticker I tousled his hair and said, "No, honey, you have so many stickers…none today, bud." I do this sometimes – say no to Oliver loud enough so the cashier can hear me – because frankly, he doesn’t need a fucking sticker EVERY TIME we go shopping. The occasional sticker is nice but I don’t want it to be a regular occurrence. You know?
But when I said that to Oliver, the cashier, with her back to me, started rooting around in her drawer. And guess what? She came up with a sticker. She reached over the counter, put it on Oliver's hand and said, without looking at me, "I'm a grandmother, so I don't have to listen to mothers."
What she said didn’t hit me until after I’d paid and was walking out of the store. I had split my purchases into two separate piles and was paying from two different accounts, so I was paying more attention to not fucking up my debit transactions and making sure Oliver didn’t crawl out of the goddamn spaceship cart more than anything else. So it wasn’t until after I’d paid, the cashier had gone on for a second time about the benefits of me using my store credit card and I was in the parking lot that what she said – and did – really sunk in.
I stood there in the parking lot and considered going back in – to make a stink, say something to her, complain to her manager – but I didn’t, and now I’m kind of kicking myself because of it. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head since – the way she lectured me about the credit card was rude, no doubt about it, but I can handle that. It was that comment – “I’m a grandmother, so I don’t have to listen to mothers” – and the way she’d stepped over the line I’d so obviously drawn that really bothers me.
I’m tempted to call the store today and complain, but part of me feels like the moment has passed and I should just suck it up and move on. It’s times like this where I wish I had a do-over so I could go back to yesterday morning, pay more goddamn attention and give that woman a piece of my mind.
**New review up at Mama Says – this is the first time something I’ve reviewed for the Parent Blogger’s Network has made Julia cry. (Is it bad that I laughed a little when I typed that?)**
46 Comments, Comment or Ping
Don’t get mad, but I disagree with you on this one.
While the cashier was a pain in the ass, and rude to you, and disrespected your authority, and undoubtedly made the “don’t have to listen” comment with malice because of the whole store credit card thing, you did the right thing by walking away.
Disputing the sticker, either to her or to her manager, would have escalated the situation. Over a sticker. In front of Oliver. And it wouldn’t have been a simple thing. Either she, or her manager, or both, would have tried to insinuate that you were being overly sensitive, and that would only have served to rile you up even more, and now your kid is sitting there watching you go ape shit over a sticker.
Instead, I’d take a moment with Oliver to explain (outside the temptation and distraction of a store) about not getting a sticker every time, not asking for one every time, et cetera. I’d also tell him that what the cashier said wasn’t nice, and that everyone needs to listen to everyone and respect what they say.
Long winded comment, I know. I get that way when I’m trying to cover my ass and avoid offending. ;)
March 28th, 2008
Does the store have an email address? This is the type of thing that I’ve written to stores about before, and as a former retail manager I was happy to hear from people about my employees, both bad things and good things. You might want to email them about it, hell, even just link to this post. That was awfully rude and presumptuous behavior, and there’s really no excuse for it.
March 28th, 2008
as much as I’d like to say ‘call’, the best thing is to let it go. we are all getting sucked up into others negativity… i’m working hard at letting go. sure, there are times something needs to be said, but maybe not this one.
go throw a snowball or 2 at the house…. lord knows there’s plenty of snow to help ease your frustration. Or, just SCREAM. I did that the other day and my kids looked at me as if I lost a nut. Then we all laughed.
PS. She sucks though. argh.
March 28th, 2008
I met that lady on the street when Erin was about 5 months old. I was pushing her in her stroller while she slept under the canopy. We were walking along a sidewalk when a grandmother-ly type walked toward us.
“Stop. Stop! You just stop!” she insisted, pretty harshly, as she drew closer.
What the hell?
I was a new at-home dad, and this was one of my first times out alone with my daughter, and I thought I was doing something wrong. And not just wrong, but OBVIOUSLY wrong. What could it be??
“Stop.”
And I did. I stopped.
Then she moved toward the stroller, giving me a look of spoiled entitlement, and said: “I need to have a look.”
Then she peeked in at Erin in the stroller, looked back up at me with a dentured smile, and started walking away.
“You just made an old lady’s day.”
Ok. But you just freaked the hell out of a new father for no reason, grandma.
March 28th, 2008
Did writing this post help at all? Maybe you could go back and kick her in the shins. ;)
March 28th, 2008
Yikes. You know I would be seriously pissed but I can’t say I would bother to complain. I mean, you just know this woman probably spends her days slugging it out with the mother(s) of her grandchildren when she’s not at her job, as a cashier, so that’s kinda karmic justice right there…
March 28th, 2008
I would let it go–sounds like more stupidity than ill will!
March 28th, 2008
How condescending. I can’t stand when people step into parenting decisions and make you look like a leech sucking joy from the life of children because you set limits or say NO.
I used to get constant crap for limiting my kids access to sweets and encouraging moderation. People made me feel like an extremist for saying things like “Just one piece of cake” or “Save some candy for tomorrow” or worse yet, “No, we’ve already had enough sweets today.”
March 28th, 2008
Here’s the thing with people like that… they are their own punishment. Think about how shitty it is to go through life like that. No need to waste energy on her, she’ll screw herself soon enough in her hot vat of loneliness.
March 28th, 2008
i’m really pissed off lately, so i probably would have lobbed my largely pregnant ass over the checkout and beat the shit out of her arrogant pompous self right then and there.
which is why i try not to leave the house these days unless absolutely necessary.
March 28th, 2008
It’s amazing the dominion some women think they have since they have gone through motherhood themselves.
I might have levelled her a look, but for now, just be thankful I guess that she’s not actually your kids grandmother and you don’t have to put up with her on a daily basis!
(And I’m probably totally off-base here, but it sounds like you were shopping at The Bay. I rarely encounter an under 60 clerk in that store!)
March 28th, 2008
I HATE it when they pressure you to use the store card. I never give in on it either, and I know they are supposed to, but it bugs me to be cajoled like that. I know what I’m doing.
and she totally did step over a line, undermining you like that. I’ll tell you – I work with parents and children every day, and in that case, even if I was about to reach for a sticker, I’d stop and say to the kid, “Maybe next time you come it will be a sticker day, okay, honey?” You have to let the parent do the parenting.
In fact, on the other end of things – and this is not about you, just a pet peeve of mine – I hate it when parents tell their kids, “The librarian said to be quiet” because you know what? I shouldn’t have to tell their children what to do. I don’t undermine them if I can help it, because I respect their authority as the parent, but by the same token, I expect them to with that, take responsibility for teaching their own kids how to act. Goes both ways, you know? And I know you weren’t letting him run amok, so she should see you as the responsible parent who can and does make choices, and she should stay out of it.
March 28th, 2008
R.u.d.e.
Oh, I hate it when I catch on too late and the perfect comeback arrives when I’m in the shower the next morning.
March 28th, 2008
This always happen to me – I want to have said something, but the moment has passed. And then I seethe all day.
March 28th, 2008
I’m so mad for you! (But the comments are wise too). Dang.
March 28th, 2008
oh mama, at least you don’t have my problem. my own mother-in-law uses this grandmother line on me on a weekly basis!
March 28th, 2008
I would have said something (calm but firm) because what she said translates to she does not respect what her children believe (because she is a grandmother and therefore has children with children). That lack of respect for her adult children’s ability to make decisions for their children is very sad.
But I’m like you – I wouldn’t have thought about it until I was half-way home.
March 28th, 2008
I love the bit about pouring her a nice steaming cup of shut the fuck up. Filing that one away for future use.
That being said… here’s the deal: YOU live on planet Tulip, where things are undoubtedly rosier than things on Planet Bitchy Grandma. Think about it this way, you had to deal with her for – what? – ten minutes? She LIVES in that space. In my book, that’s punishment enough.
On another note, I’m thinking about developing a line of t-shirts that say:
No, thank you, I do not want to:
A) participate in your customer rewards program
B) save ten percent today by applying for a store credit card
C) purchace a warranty for the PEN I just bought (I’m talkin’ to you, Best Buy)
D) generally be subjected to any upselling or additional marketing
Thank you for your understanding.
March 28th, 2008
I would have said something about the credit card. I am unable to keep my mouth shut in these situations.
But i agree that going back now wouldn’t be a good idea…it’s just too late. Altough it would probably feel good!
March 28th, 2008
wow what a horrible lady.
(1st time on your site, so I’m asuming oliver is a little kid, and perhaps yours)
hmm about oliver, perhaps you could go to the store, and pick out great cheap stickers, really pretty with characters that he’ll love & perhaps some book. & that way if he’s good you give him a bunch of stickers, and he has a place to put it. & tel him no more store stickers.
March 28th, 2008
It’s always after the fact that you realize all the great things you could have said. Like:
“Oh yeah? Does that make you a bitch too?”
Or…
“Really? I would have pegged you as a GREAT-Grandmother.”
Or…
“Get your hand away from my kid you dirty monkey.”
March 28th, 2008
I’d say let it go. It would have irked the piss out of me, too, but just let it go and chalk it up to “annoying old hag cashier lady.”
She probably thinks she is the world’s greatest grandma.
March 28th, 2008
I was all set to comment that you should call and try to calmly explaing the situation to the store manager, that they likely don’t know the woman (I almost said lady, but that’s not hte truth) is being that pushy and condescending to their customers and they might like a heads’ up on that so they can teach her some more tact. And that maybe you’d get some satisfaction that you didn’t just let something so irksome go.
But then I read SciFi Dad’s comment and that stopped me cold. He’s absolutely right. Getting into a pissing match with the lady or the store manager over such a thing wouldn’t be teaching Oliver what you want him to learn, and you’re certainly not going to get the cashier to learn her place if she truly believes that as a grandmother she doesn’t have to listen to mothers. SciFi Dad’s advice is spot on, and I only hope that I can try to remember that tactic the next time I’m in public and some moron gets on my nerves. Besides, you care more about shaping Oliver’s behavior than the lady’s anyway, which isn’t likely to change even if you’d gotten in her face and screamed.
March 28th, 2008
Using credit cards when you don’t have to is blueshit and they should know better. And I know the anger you feel after the fact. I feel it too … more than I’d like to admit. But I have to agree with sci-fi dad on walking away; a fight over a sticker isn’t worth it.
March 28th, 2008
ah. whatever happened to the old “the customer is always right” thingy?
March 28th, 2008
I HATE rude and presumptuous cashiers. Once, when my 13 year old was talking to me about some thing he wanted while we waited for our purchases to be rung up, the twit of a cashier, who couldn’t have been more than 20, told him that he was spoiled and he needed to learn the value of a dollar and hard work. I wanted to slap the piss out of her. My kids are not spoiled. They are good kids and I completely resented her intrusive and unfair remark. To top it off, she said, “I DO apologize if I’ve crossed a line Ma’am, but sometimes it just needs to be said.”
I was fuming, and my first instinct was to rip her a new one. But like you, I realized it wouldn’t have been the right example to set. So I turned to Dimiunitive One and rolled my eyes instead. Much more mature and effective, don’t you think?
Why is it that the people least qualified to work in customer service are the ones that always end up there?
March 28th, 2008
This lady came to Stoughton, Wisconsin once, about eight years ago. My oldest was a wee babe, and we were on a rare outing to the grocery store — that lady came up to us in the frozen foods and dragged her finger back and forth in front of my baby’s face and said, “Well, her eyes track well. But she should be dressed warmer.”
Blew my mind.
March 28th, 2008
As much as the skin on the back of my head tightened up at the “I don’t need to listen to mothers” comment – and it did, I am ready to tear off people’s heads and shit down their necks just now because I’ve been pregnant for 4000 years and I just don’t have the patience I should – I have to agree with SciFi Dad that to say something back would have escalated this way too much.
Others here have said it, but it bears repeating – just thank your lucky stars she’s not your mother, or even worse, your mother-in-law. What a twat.
March 28th, 2008
you know … grandmothers somehow feel ENTITLED because they are a generation removed. She didn’t know you were in sticker hell; she was trying to befriend your son.
As for pushing the credit card thing … most retailers make sure their cashiers push using it, since the store gets more credit when you use their card in their store. So that can also be forgiven.
HOWEVER. I would’ve been pissed too. Hope writing it all out helped! If not, contact the store. The receipt will show the cashier’s name and transaction number if you want to make a specific complaint.
March 28th, 2008
I am a new dad and used to be one of those smug people who didn’t know any better. Now I am hyper sensitive to what people feel they are entitled to tell me. How to raise my daughter, what to feed her, how to treat her, when / how to discipline her. I haven’t encountered your situation of someone blatantly defying your authority with your child, but I rehearse in my mind, whenever I hear it happening to someone else.
“Butt out! I am raising this child!”
Oh, and the store credit thing, to hell with them. YOU make your financial decisions, not them. And tell them so.
March 28th, 2008
oh I hate when you get the whole credit card thing…it drives me crazy.
March 28th, 2008
I hate second guessing myself. And always kick myself in the butt later.
I need to grow a backbone and tell people what I have on my mind.
Only… I should have been born a blond… it takes me a while to come up with something witty and important to say. :)
March 28th, 2008
Just be glad she’s not your mother. Imagine how much she disrespects the mother(s) of her grandchildren.
March 29th, 2008
What a freak she is. Trust me, you’ll have run ins with her (or someone like her) again. Like when your kids start school. There will be something every freakin day.
Now next time you’ll be ready.
a.
March 29th, 2008
Rather than spending time and karma ratting her out, how about trying to figure out what, exactly, about that exchange got so under your skin – and why.
March 29th, 2008
The store probably requires cashiers to offer a credit account. However, how much the cashier pushes it is their decision. Unless the manager already spoke to her that day about her lack of new credit accounts and encouraged (or bullied, I had one do that to me) her to push more. Not all managers are good with people.
She may have had a bad day and wanted to make a kid happy.
Just tell Oliver not every day is sticker day and say everyone deserves to be listened to like SciFi Dad said.
Go for a walk or some exercise to let it out.
March 29th, 2008
I read your post with interest – and have read the responses with great interest also. I would have guessed that the balance between “let it go” and “say something” would have been more even.
Here’s how I see it:
I don’t want to teach my children to be be snippy in return for someone being inappropriate. I do, however, want them to know how to appropriately stand up for themselves and their concerns.
I would DEFINITELY call the manager – even after you left, even though it’s a day later. You might even want to wait until Monday so it’s the regular manager instead of the weekend manager.
Save your receipt, if you still have it. If you don’t still have it, that’s fine, you just describe the person to the manager.
I would approach it as – look, she may have just been trying to promote the store card, but after I declined to use it, she should have dropped it. I was offended at her continuing to imply that I had made some inappropriate choice for my payment.
I believe that the “I don’t have to listen to mothers” went COMPLETELY past the line. It would be past the line even if you hadn’t had the payment discussion. But following on the heels of her attitude toward your payment choice, it sounds like she’s just thumbing her nose at you.
If I were a manager whose staff member were offending customers, I would want to know so that I could address it.
Clearly, you’ll choose a different check out line next time you’re there – but if you don’t address it, you might end up avoiding this store – which is not good for the store’s business. The manager needs to know that you’re upset by the situation. Of course, you’re not in “i’m taking my toys and going home” mode – but if this sort of thing continued, you might end up wanting to choose a new store.
I think it would not be good for my kids if I got upset over every little thing. But when I am upset about service or a product, it is good for my kids to see me handle it appropriately.
And, bringing the situation to the attention of management is (in my estimation) handling it appropriately. Regarding SciFi Dad’s comment about them insinuating that you might have been overly sensitive – my thoughts about this are 1. when I have brought concerns to managers, they have not implied that I was overly sensitive and 2. if they did think that, then possibly a phone call or email to corporate would be warranted.
I don’t want to flip out about every concern, but when something bugs me, I want to say something – otherwise, I just stew about it. And that’s not good for me or my family either! ;-)
On the other hand – I am just as likely to speak to a manager when I’ve gotten good service as when I’ve gotten poor service. I probably ask to talk to a manager to give a compliment about twice as often as I complain about something.
Sorry this is turning into such a long reply. It’s just that this topic is important to me. I spent far to many years minimizing my own concerns. I still get nervous to make a complaint about service – even when I feel 100% justified. I don’t like conflict at all. But, more than hating conflict, I hate the churn in my stomach when I don’t stand up for what is bothering me.
I hope my 2 cents of opinion is helpful in some way. Can’t wait to see what you decide is best for you in dealing with it.
(And – BTW – Mitzi’s response cracked me up! I have forward it to my pregnant friend! Thanks for the laugh!)
March 29th, 2008
mmm. a steaming cup of shut the fuck up.
I love that.
March 29th, 2008
my mom’s best friend is exactly like that and I bet when she was the mother she expected the grandmother to respect her.
beotch.
I’d call the store.
March 29th, 2008
That would have pissed me off too. I mean…I know it’s her JOB to ask about the store credit card thing because it’s in their interest to have AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE accruing credit card debt. However, “no” means “no”. To me, the word “grandmother” means nothing more than someone whose own child IS a mother or a father. You can’t become a grandparent until someone else moves into the powerful position of being a parent. And that’s the main thing. I get a little irritated with oldsters who enjoy believing that “grandparent” really means that they’re the parent IN CHARGE of those who parent. That their word and expertise somehow trumps that of the one in the trenches. I had a tough enough time getting my own mom to adhere to my rules about a decent bedtime when my kids were little and spending the night there, because…um…I WAS THE BOSS. But a stranger telling you that her mysterious inheritance of the grandmother throne somehow made her immune from having to listen to your rules? SO not cool!
Either she was just an incredibly inarticulate person who speaks awkwardly like this all of the time…or she really meant what she said. Whatever. Both scenarios steam me plenty!!
March 29th, 2008
Very annoying and truly condescending. I would have seethed all day and been annoyed that I didn’t say anything at the time. Next time, hope you will have the chance to say what you feel.
March 30th, 2008
that is such a shitty thing to say. it might not be worth it to do anything about it now – other than plan a repeat performance. I’d say the chances are good that she hands out that line to a lot of people, then probably yuks it up with the other ladies in the breakroom telling everyone about her life as a grandma and what it allows her to do.
if I were in your shoes, I’d think of a really good comeback, something that would make her feel sorry and not just more righteous. then, load up your cart and go on through the line and prepare to have your say. of course, there’s always a chance that it won’t even be heard, but you might feel better for having said it.
March 30th, 2008
“..while I mentally offered to pour her a nice, steaming cup of shut the fuck up.”
Consider these words stolen. OMG, hilarious!
March 30th, 2008
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had variations on that experience – but it’s usually with candy, and it’s usually a situation where they hold it out in front of her where she can see it and WANT IT NOW and THEN ask me if it’s okay. Which, have they never met a small child before?
But if one of them explicitly countered me on the issue? Went over my head on it? There’d be hell to pay, some how.
March 30th, 2008
Yeah… I don’t think I would have called. But it was rude. The statement she made and over stepping her boundaries and yours, was a personal issue that made it wrong. But Im not sure I would have brought that up with the manager.
I might have been tempted to email the store manager though about her rude and pushiness ‘in general’ though.
That sucks though to walk away and obsess about something and wished you had done/said something. You know how I can obsess about those things. ;)
April 3rd, 2008
Oh my. You should have heard me gasp when I read what she said.
Absolutely not, lady! Talk about stepping over the line.
Oh, and “pour you a nice steaming cup of shut the fuck up?” Best. Line. Ever.
April 5th, 2008
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