Emotion came over yesterday afternoon, unannounced. Let herself in through the front door and proceeded to vomit all over everything.
Julia was quiet when I picked her up from school despite the fact that she was one of a handful of kids who got to eat a special lunch in the bibliotheque (that’s library for those of you who don’t speak French…happens to be one of the few French words I actually know) as a reward for their academic achievements. Some kids in her class had picked on her, said they weren’t her friends, had called her names – typical four-year old stuff, but stuff that hurts nonetheless.
“I had a bad day, Mummy,” she said from the backseat in a small voice. She looked so forlorn, so sad, so little in her booster seat that Oliver reached his hand over to hers and said, “Oh, Jooweah. Hold my hand, babe.”
They held hands the entire ride home.
Dave’s laptop has been on the fritz lately and thinking he knew what the problem was, he went to a computer store last night after work to buy a replacement part. Turns out what he thought was causing the problem isn’t – and what is causing the problem can’t be fixed or replaced. By the time he got home, told me about his laptop and opened our gas bill he was in quite a grumpy mood, which rubbed off on the kids – both of them gave him a hard time after dinner, resulting in Julia going up to her room to cool off after sticking her tongue out at him and Oliver following suit shortly thereafter, where he stood on his bed and sobbed that he didn’t love Daddy anymore.
After I’d rinsed off the last of the dinner dishes and wiped down the table I went upstairs and knocked on Julia’s door. I found her sitting on her bed, a pack of Go Fish cards spread out in front of her on her bed, tears in her eyes.
I sat down on the edge of her bed and she slid into my arms. “This has been my worst day ever, Mummy,” she said. She put her head on my shoulder and cried.
I held her, whispered in her ear to let it out, stroked her hair and wished to god I could wave my magic wand and take it all away, the name calling and the you’re not my friend anymore! I held her in my arms, felt her sobs bleed through my sweatshirt to my shoulder and willed myself not to cry, unsuccessfully.
She heard me sniffle, pulled away and looked at me. I smiled sheepishly at her. “When you’re sad, I’m sad, sweetie,” I said, wiping my cheeks.
She took my hand.
“Listen, Julia. You’re going to have bad days at school once and a while and when you do, all you need to do is get through to the end of the day. You know why?”
She shook her head.
“Because the end of the day is when you get to see me and Daddy and Oliver. We’re your family, and we love you best. So the next time you’re having a bad day, remind yourself that you’ve got something to look forward to – the end of the day. Okay?”
She nodded. “Okay, Mummy.”
She was still sensitive this morning, teary and not feeling all that great, I think. In between making breakfast and packing her lunch and making sure Oliver went pee before we left and so on and so on I gave her a few extra squeezes, told her today was a new day and since the sun was shining, it was bound to be good. She and Oliver sang Old MacDonald on the way to school and by the time we reached the playground gates the spring had returned to her step and she was all smiles.
“Remember what we talked about last night,” I said when I bent down to kiss her goodbye. “Remember what you have to look forward to at the end of the day.”
She smiled and leaned in for another hug. “I will, Mummy,” she said before turning toward the school, a piece of my heart attached firmly next to hers.
50 Comments, Comment or Ping
Oh, you made me cry. I think because I’ve had those same feelings all too often, and I know I’m in for more of it with John M. I think you handled it perfectly. You’re a great mom.
February 13th, 2008
You are such an awesome mom. I will have to file that conversation away for future use when Dylan has a bad day.
February 13th, 2008
this nearly killed me. the simple knowledge that they have to endure these things without us. that their whole life will amount to enduring things without us in varying degrees.
dammit, K. dammit.
February 13th, 2008
I just wrote about this (at the three year old level) today, thanks for letting me read your wise words so I have something new to add to my arsenal tonight.
February 13th, 2008
Aw give her a big hug from me!
February 13th, 2008
what jen said. D has been struggling with this at school, and it kills me. ((hugs)) to you, precious girl. why? because sometimes mommies need them most.
February 13th, 2008
Look forward to the end of the day…
I’m going to remember this message…because I’m sure I’ll need it one day. It’s beautiful and simple and oh so true for all our wee ones.
We do love them best. And then some.
February 13th, 2008
Poor Julia! She is very lucky to have such a wonderful and understanding mummy.
February 13th, 2008
Mean kids suck. They really do. Why oh why don’t parents understand that the behavior they model has consequences?? Some of the women I’ve encountered are no better than high school girls.
Jooweah will be okay though. She has a loving family to soothe her hurt.
February 13th, 2008
Aw, Oliver holding her hand about put me into tears. They’re good kids. Mean people DO suck.
February 13th, 2008
This is why, Mama T. This is totally why.
February 13th, 2008
this might just be the codeine talking after the wisdom teeth getting pulled, but what the heck, let’s get married
February 13th, 2008
Even though some days you’re reduced to tears in the shower, you’re still doing one helluva job with that boy, MT. The empathy he showed for his sister, for a toddler (not to mention a boy toddler) is astounding, and reflects incredibly well on both you and Dave.
And, you handled the four-year-old meanness so well too. Just an awesome moment for your family, despite it being Julia’s worst day ever.
February 13th, 2008
This made me cry. Those days are coming for me. I hate that someone will choose not to like my precious girl, and that she’ll hurt because of them.
I love what you told Julia. It was perfect.
February 13th, 2008
What a perfect thing to say. I will have to remember that. It even made ME feel better at the end of this day, so thanks!
February 13th, 2008
Oh my….pulls on the heart. What a cutie…how precious. Thank you for sharing.
February 13th, 2008
Oh, this was wonderful. Wonderful.
I had a conversation with my eldest girlie that was very similar to this one, just a few short days ago. By eleven years of age, however, the reaction to the bad day at school is quite different… She comes home regarding the ENTIRE WORLD as “enemy territory”.
It took me some time to soothe her disgruntled spirit, and at one point, I found myself telling her (loudly):
“Always remember!! WE are your family!! WE are your biggest fans!! No matter what, WE. ARE. ON. YOUR. SIDE!!!”
Sometimes, we need a nice, soft shoulder to cry on, and a cheering section, too.
You’re terrific, MamaT… Hug that little girl of yours for me.
xo CGF
February 13th, 2008
This made me cry. I was that sensitive kid, and I dread the day someone hurts my daughter’s feelings. But thank you for showing me how to help her. I know people say crap like this all the time and we moms brush it off, but I’ve been reading you for a long time now.
And I think you are an amazing mother.
February 13th, 2008
Hands down, dealing with this social stuff has to be one of the biggest challenges of parenthood; and you so aced that! I am going to use it too.
February 13th, 2008
Kids can be so evil. I see it every day with other people’s kids and also with the stories mine comes home with. Because I deal with it constantly at work, I have a hard time putting up with meaness. I’m pretty plain spoken with them and quick to tell them to nip it. Words hurt. I think you were there for Julia, and she knows it. I hope she has some better days ahead. :)
February 13th, 2008
Oh man! What a tough day.
February 13th, 2008
Oliver made my heart melt!
Poor Julia. You are such a good mommy. *happy sigh*
February 13th, 2008
Your words to her were perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I hate those days when they learn a bit more about our world and how it can be.
February 13th, 2008
I am glad you let her just cry on your shoulder. We all need a safe place to fall.
February 13th, 2008
held her hand ALL THE WAY HOME…..sorry I started crying right there
February 13th, 2008
I love the way he held his sister’s hand. That is SO what happens. Your family is a team that comes together when the chips are down. Really good post. It’s funny how the kids will close ranks and look after each other, no matter how annoying they might find each other for much of the time. It gives you hope for the future, doesn’t it? Really well done.
February 14th, 2008
Oh the tears are flowing very freely today, my friend.
That was beautiful!
♥
February 14th, 2008
I have a note that my now 24 year old daughter wrote to Santa when she was very young. She was asking for some friends because she was having a hard time in school and just wanted someone to play with. It broke my heart when I read it then and it still breaks my heart for the little girl who was so sad. She was such a quiet child and kept most things inside (still does) so sometimes it is really hard to help. How wonderful that Julia can talk about what’s going on.
February 14th, 2008
Aw make me cry first thing in the morning, why don’t you?
You taught her the most important lesson about families and she’s only 4. Great.
February 14th, 2008
i’m crying, too
(wanna’ be my friend?)
February 14th, 2008
Perfection.
Home should always be the “soft place”.
Really great post hon.
a.
February 14th, 2008
You handled the situation perfectly with your daughter. She will know that home is where she is truly loved. I am so very sorry that the other children were so mean, sigh. As a parent I always want to make the pain go away, but I know I can’t always be everywhere to protect them, we have to give them the tools to make things a little less devastating.
February 14th, 2008
Lovely, Mama.
February 14th, 2008
I adore when my girls hold hands across the backseat as the sit separately in their car seats. It fills my heart.
Friendship is so complex and being four is not easy. Strawberry comes home talking about her best friend and then the next day she’ll bluntly announce that they are not friends anymore. The following day it’s all about wearing a party dress to school to be just like her best friend. It confuses me and I don’t understand where it comes from.
February 14th, 2008
I want to hug Julia too. I hate days like that.
February 14th, 2008
I remember my little girl very carefully making pictures for a girl in her preschool class and presenting it with such love. The little girl took it, declared it was ugly, tore it to shreds in front of my daughter, and left the pieces behind.
It was HORRIBLE. Beyond mean.
My daughter is ten now, and all I have to say is this: Everything they say about girls being mean to one another is true. It is such a discredit to our gender!
I have son too, and boys don’t treat each other this way…
February 14th, 2008
Oh, it makes me so sad that the mean girls are out already and she’s only four. Really. Poor Julia.
I’ve been having a rough few weeks and you know, your conversation with Julia actually made me feel better. You’re one hell of a mommy, T.
February 14th, 2008
oh sniff. and swallow that big lump in my throat.
i hope today is a better day for wee Julia. and for Dave. :)
February 14th, 2008
What a beautiful and amazing life lesson you’ve taught your daughter! I hope today was a better day for “Jooweah”.
February 14th, 2008
I love this post. What a lucky girl she is to know that she has sanctuary at home with all of you…
February 14th, 2008
That’s lovely. Just lovely. I’ll have to remember that when my Linus has a bad day. Thank you.
February 14th, 2008
oh my. I am so terrified that this can happen at four but so heartened by Oliver holding her hand, and you and the love. It is gorgeous.
February 14th, 2008
Ooof. What a bittersweet post.
February 14th, 2008
wow… powerfully written
a bittersweet read
February 14th, 2008
Add me to the list of cryers. I am so not looking forward to those kind of days for my own daughter. Your approach is fantastic and I shall file it away to use myself one day.
February 15th, 2008
Somehow, you always make me cry. Whether it’s out of sadness or happiness… It happens. I love you and your family. You continously give me hope that there are wonderful and magical things waiting for me to experience.
February 15th, 2008
If my mom had only ONCE talked to me like this during my painful days growing up, I’m positive things would be different between her and I.
Julia is so VERY lucky to have you as her momma.
Don’t forget that when she’s screaming at you when she’s older.
February 17th, 2008
That was awesome parenting, right there. I need to remember that speech because it was perfect.
February 18th, 2008
OMG, you made me CRY! Great post!
Julia’s one lucky girl to have such an awesome mommy!
Mean kids suck, and I’ve been seeing a little more of it since Carter moved to his new class at daycare. The older kids can be really mean – I’m just grateful that he doesn’t really get how hurtful they can be. Yet.
The day will come when I’ll have to remember this post. I fear it’s not too far off.
February 18th, 2008
Yup…totally crying here too.
I guess part of me is imagining having this conversation with my baby when she’s older. Right now I just look at her and think, if only it could always be like this. No one has hurt your feelings, or broken your heart or let you down.
Well ok, I’m sure she feels incredibly slighted when Mommy doesn’t snap to it fast enough with the snacks…but you get my point.
AMAZING post. Amazing Mom.
February 19th, 2008
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