Last night I dreamed I was in a giant department store, kind of like Wal Mart but not Wal Mart at all. The place was huge and I was disoriented; I spent hours aimlessly pushing my cart up and down the aisles trying to find the things I needed before I finally decided I’d wasted enough time and headed toward the checkouts.
As I pushed my cart toward the checkout I saw a group of kids around Oliver’s age standing on top of a conveyer belt singing. Someone was standing at the end of the belt conducting them, like a choir, and everyone was watching these kids – the shoppers and the pimply-faced teenagers draped in their cashier’s smocks were all standing with their backs to me watching the performance. It wasn’t until I pushed my cart right up to the cashier that I realized it was my mother who was leading these children in song and that I couldn’t hear anything. It was like someone had pushed the mute button on my dream.
She looked the way she did when she was waiting for a new liver; although her face was puffy and her stomach bloated the rest of her was skin and bones. Her face was a sallow yellow, her skin thick and tough looking, like leather, and the whites of her eyes were tinged yellow. When I saw them I sucked in my breath and thought Christ, she needs another liver. I felt sadness wash over me, felt my stomach sink when I saw her like that, her compromised health her own doing, so I turned my head and started putting my items on the conveyer belt.
But my cashier wasn’t paying any attention to me. He was completely wrapped up in the chorus standing on the conveyer belt to the right of him and after waiting for what seemed like an eternity I pushed my cart down by my mum and watched her. The kids looked like bowling pins on a lane, standing in the same formation, and my mum was completely engaged in conducting them, tapping out the beat with her left foot, exaggeratedly mouthing the words as the children sang them. I was completely mesmerized by her, by the energy she had, the kind of energy I hadn’t seen from her in years, and as I leaned against my cart and stared I realized she had a Saltine cracker in her left hand and was leading the kids with it.
Just as I started to get annoyed that nobody was checking my items through one of the little boys started to giggle, and before long his giggles spread like wildfire and all of the kids were laughing. And then everyone else around us started laughing, really laughing, the kind of laughter that bubbles up from your belly and explodes out of your mouth like fireworks. Some of the kids were laughing so hard their faces were red and tears were streaming down their faces; one little boy dropped to his knees, put his face in his hands and howled. And even though I couldn’t hear their laughter I had to laugh too, for it was such a ridiculous scene: my mother standing there with her yellow face and a Saltine cracker in her hand, conducting this choir of kids on a conveyer belt in an enormous department store. And I laughed and laughed with them, so hard that I couldn’t breathe, until I woke up.
21 Comments, Comment or Ping
It’s good to let go of the things you had no control over and enjoy the person she was and who you are becoming. She would be proud of you and the woman you have become. You have immense strength even though you don’t see it sometimes. She is proud of you and she envied your strength, I remember her telling me that one day (did I ever tell you about that conversation?) I remember that passion of your moms and can see her standing there getting those kids to pump out that song. She had a fire in her, and yours is just getting started.
February 7th, 2008
Did you wake up happy?
February 7th, 2008
that rules, now you know you need to conduct a department store children’s conveyor belt choir?
February 7th, 2008
Holy Crap Woman! What the hell did you eat last night before bed?
All that was missing was your husband playing bagpipes in a full evening gown.
February 7th, 2008
Oh, I’m a little sad reading this… it makes me miss my mom, who, though alive, might just be found singing in a department store.
February 7th, 2008
I love this dream – it seems so happy, so uplifting, turning something dreary and everyday into a moment of contagious joy.
February 7th, 2008
Thanks for making me cry. Happy and sad tears.
February 7th, 2008
Am laughing at SciFi Dad’s comment.
Was also wondering that myself while reading about your dream.
February 7th, 2008
Wow you have some different dreams. But so nice to wake up laughing instead of crying or scared.
thanks for sharing it with us.
February 7th, 2008
Wow. No more pizza before bed, ‘kay? Next time stick to Saltines.
February 7th, 2008
You’re not pregnant, are you???
February 7th, 2008
Usually when people write about their dreams I’m bored by the second paragraph.
This was the exception.
You have such an amazing way with words…I felt like I was there.
February 7th, 2008
Dreams are so fucked up but in all of that there are these little tendrils of meaning and association and somehow this dream made some sort of hysterical sense.
But I wonder how you felt when you did come awake.
February 7th, 2008
A message from beyond?
February 7th, 2008
I’ve been plagued with dreams of Bug this week, as well.
But my dreams generally involve opening the lid of the deep freezer to find it filled with water, and my Bug floating face up with his eyes wide open.
Good times. I think I like your momma’s dream better.
February 7th, 2008
wow, mama tulip. just wow.
February 8th, 2008
i’m with jess on that.
February 8th, 2008
I’m glad you woke up laughing!
February 8th, 2008
my dreams are WAY boring compared to yours…:)
February 8th, 2008
I recently had a dream that involved not being able to fully hear or comprehend what was being said to me by a loved one and it was so disturbing.
I used to have dreams about my sister who died. In the dreams I discover she didn’t die at all but recovered. She tells me it took years for her to heal and she’s upset with me for not being there for her. So any joy I feel about her being alive is mitigated by the knowledge that we lost years together and she’s angry with me….
February 11th, 2008
That’s crazy. Dreams like that make me really wonder what they mean.
February 12th, 2008
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