I can’t remember how we started doing it, but Julia and I have this thing where we fill each other up with love. When she tells me she’s running out of love I press my index finger up to my mouth, in a vague Dr. Evil “One billion dollars” sort of way, so my love seeps in to my finger and fills it up. A few seconds later, once it’s full, I draw hearts or circles or squiggles all over her forehead and cheeks and down her nose with my finger so the love runs out of my finger and into her body. Once she’s full she does the same for me and I must say, her love-filling skills have vastly improved – when we first started filling each other up she did more eye-poking than love filling.
I got really mad at the kids yesterday afternoon – I let them play upstairs while I made dinner and they trashed the place. The vacuum cleaner was in the hall and Oliver pulled the reservoir out, dumping dust and cat hair and pine needles all over the carpet. They’d pulled sheets and towels off the shelves in the linen closet, the sheets off of Oliver’s bed and had found and dismantled the old baby monitor. I’d spent a good hour yesterday morning cleaning up there – vacuuming, dusting, changing sheets, making beds – and when I checked up on them to see what they were doing and saw the mess they’d made I just kind of…snapped.
“That’s IT!” I roared. “I’m calling Santa! Christmas is CANCELLED!” Fuming, I marched each of them to their rooms as their faces crumpled and they burst into tears.
I stormed back down to the kitchen, the sound of them bawling not far behind me. I felt like shit. I was mad at myself for reacting the way I did more than I was at them for making the mess – they’re just kids, I thought, and messes can be cleaned up. As I stood in front of the stove mixing the chicken and peppers I thought about why I reacted that way. It’s a busy time of year and I’m exhausted; I feel like I’m running on auto-pilot all of the time. We’re having dinner for fourteen here on Christmas Day and it dawned on me yesterday morning that I have no dessert – a small but nit-picky detail that is enough to send me into a tailspin. Tomorrow would have been my mom’s sixty-first birthday and I still find that day, so close to Christmas, a hard one…and, this is the first Christmas I’ll spend without my grandmother.
As I thought about all of that I realized my reaction had very little to do with the kids and the mess and more to do with all the other shit that’s bouncing around in my mind. I just took it out on them.
I still felt shitty about it after we’d gotten them to bed so I went back up to apologize to them. I hit Julia’s room first and talked with her before hopping the baby gate in Oliver’s doorway to snuggle with him. As I passed Julia’s room on my way downstairs she sat up in bed and called out to me.
“Mummy? I’m running out of love.”
I went in to her room and lay down beside her, pressing my index finger up to my mouth. “I’ve got lots of love for you, babe,” I said.
She smiled up at me. “Even when you’re mad, you’ve got love for me,” she said.
I nodded. “That’s right. That’s the best part about family, Julia. Even when we’re mad at each other, we still love each other. Always.” I started tracing hearts and circles across her forehead and on her cheeks.
“You know what else is the best part about family?” she asked, stifling a yawn.
“What?”
“The forgiving.”
I had to pause there for a minute because my eyes were blurred with tears and my heart was sitting square in my throat. “You’re right,” I said. “Forgiving is a great part about family.” I leaned in and kissed her forehead.
“Yeah,” she sighed. “The forgiving and the love. They’re good things.”
She knows what she’s talking about, my girl.
43 Comments, Comment or Ping
Julia needs to be in charge of the world. *sniff*
Hey, make my brownies or flourless chocolate cake for dessert – microwave prep. I’m all about evil chocolate goodness made easy. :)
December 21st, 2007
Julia is very wise. I’ve done the same flying off the handle thing and yelled at the kids when it was really something else that set me off, and their capacity for forgiveness never ceases to amaze me.
December 21st, 2007
That has got to be the most incredible story I have read in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing it.
I think I may start teaching my daughter how to fill up with love, eye poking potential be damned.
Again, just awesome.
December 21st, 2007
She sure does.
xoxoxo X 1,000,
OTJ
December 21st, 2007
ok that was just a little bit sweet.
let’s talk about dave’s bunghole now
December 21st, 2007
Out of the mouths of babes.
That has got to be the sweetest thing I’ve read in a long time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got someone to hug.
December 21st, 2007
Such a sweet girl!
December 21st, 2007
What a sweetheart.
December 21st, 2007
I love your love ritual! It’s awesome! And, I totally relate to this post. I tried to work out yesterday, and i flipped out on the monkey because she ripped my vneck trying to get her hand down my shirt while I was doing squats. I, too, wondered how I could react to such a little thing as a ripped vneck with such frustration and anger. I hugged her right away and said sorry and gave her my boobs all to herself to breastfeel to her heart’s content! We’re not perfect. And, we ARE exhausted…. And, we need time to ourselves. And, the mess your kids made sounds BRUTAL! ;)
December 21st, 2007
What a beautiful post!
I love stories like this.
We’re all a bit short on patience these days–the holidays bring out the best and the worst in us all, I think.
December 21st, 2007
What an old soul she is!
December 21st, 2007
We need to just let kids run the world. What a sweetheart she is.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. They don’t remember the crappy stuff, or at least, not that much of it.
December 21st, 2007
Oh man. That made my eyes prickly. I love your family, girl. You always remind me that there is overwhelming good in the world too.
December 21st, 2007
Oh god, I just got something in my eye (said the tough ol’ broad who refuses to admit she just got all teary).
Well of course she knows what she’s talking about, she IS your daughter. Now it’s my turn to fill you with love Mama T (and one million dollars ;).
December 21st, 2007
I am with Tink. I am blinking my eyes trying not to cry right now, thank.you.very.much!
This is one of the sweetest things I have ever read. Boy, we could all learn from children!
I hope your Christmas is a happy one, despite some of the heartache you may have this time of year! God bless you!
December 21st, 2007
Now my eyes are filled with tears.
December 21st, 2007
What a smart, smart girl. And what a smart momma too.
Now my eyes are filling with tears.
Sigh.
December 21st, 2007
You’ve made me cry! That is such a beautiful post. I just wanted to send you a big hug for your mom and your grandmother. x
December 22nd, 2007
wow. that is surreal. beautiful.
December 22nd, 2007
We all have those moments. But, the apology and the forgiveness is beautiful, yes?
December 22nd, 2007
OH. Noe my eyes are blurred with tears, too. So sweet. So true. So good that she knows it. And so what a mommy needs to hear now and then.
December 22nd, 2007
I’m a tad too emotional for this post. Cuts a little close to home.
Wishing you the best, my friend.
Smooches.
December 22nd, 2007
that was the first post in a while to get me all choked up. so sweet, and well put.
happy holidays to you.
December 22nd, 2007
What is that expression? “Out of the mouths of babes…”??
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful story. I needed to shed a few tears.
December 22nd, 2007
Julia is an adorable girl and that was an adorable post – I’m welling up over here!
December 22nd, 2007
Sometimes it’s hard not to overreact. Your love ritual gives me chills.
December 23rd, 2007
we get to learn from them every day.
and sister, don’t knock yourself, pouring out the vacuum crap IS infinitely annoying, even if other things are on your mind.
you are a lovely mama.
December 23rd, 2007
Your mom and my daughter have the same birthday. Now I’ll probably always think of her too.
It’s a real blessing when our kids forgive us isn’t it?
December 23rd, 2007
sweet jesus, you made me cry.
December 23rd, 2007
oh i have tears.
she is a beautifully insightful little girl.
i love her stories!
merry christmas to you, my friend. i am so glad that i found you this year.
lots of hugs to you, the kiddos, and dave.
♥ xo
December 24th, 2007
Eventhough I’ve never seen her…you have a beautiful daughter.
December 24th, 2007
Oh my *wiping tears away* that is so sweet.
December 24th, 2007
Aww Merry Christmas Mama T.
thanks for this beautiful story.
Christmas is getting at me too. I need to remember to fill the girls up with love while they are screaming at me and/or trashing the place, yes the mess can be cleaned up.
December 24th, 2007
My kids used to make those kinds of messes–unbelievable, unexplainable, not-quick-to-fix messes.
And some days when I faced them, I just wanted to run away and live another life that wasn’t filled with so much frustration and insanity.
I never cancelled Christmas, but once I yelled, “Can’t you just be normal?” Oh yeah, that was GOOD.
But we let go of our anger, admit our mistakes, confess the stupidity of our words, and find the love again. Life in a family gets messy on every level, but messes can be cleaned up!
December 26th, 2007
Thank you. I needed this today. Merry Christmas to all of you.
December 26th, 2007
Oh, your eyes were blurred with tears? you mean LIKE MINE ARE NOW?? lol
You are a good, good mom. Just reading this fills me with love. ;)
:)
December 27th, 2007
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December 27th, 2007
Oh — I’m all verklempt. So true, and such a wise little girl.
P.S. This is the post that reminded me to nominate you for the Canadian Blog Awards.
December 27th, 2007
So sweet.
December 27th, 2007
*aww*
That put a lump in MY throat. Your children rock. And you awe-inpsiring mommyness makes me smile. :)
xo
December 27th, 2007
Probably in the minority here, T, but I hope Julia remembers every single second of this incident. Here’s why: when she grows up and has kids, they’re going to dump the vacuum crap on the floor or smear chocolate on freshly painted walls or spray paint the brand new sofa.
And she might over-react a bit at first.
But she’ll forgive them. And herself. And then she’ll fill them with love and let them do the same for her.
Could you really ask for more?
January 1st, 2008
She’s a genius, that girl. I just love hearing stories about her.
January 24th, 2008
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