On Saturday morning Dave, the kids and his mom went out while I cleaned. Dave’s mom just got a new dog, a teeny tiny little dog that goes everywhere with her; the trip that morning was no exception. They came back here so Dave’s mom could help me do some pre-moving cleaning while Dave took the kids shopping for a bit (read: got them out of our hair).
I was wiping out cupboards in the kitchen when they got home. Julia burst through the front door, Dave not far behind with Oliver in tow. “It stinks in the van!” she shouted.
To which I said, “That’s just your father, sweetie.”
Dave shot me a look as he headed upstairs to change Oliver’s diaper. “No really, it stinks in there. I think the dog’s got gas,” he mumbled. “Good thing Julia was holding her on the way home.”
Sarcastic foreshadowing: Yeah, good thing!
Dave took care of Oliver while I helped Julia in the bathroom. Once they left Dave’s mom and I set about deciding what to do first. We were about to start washing windows when Dave reappeared at the front door.
“Ma!” He shouted. “The van reeks! Julia’s side stinks!”
So out we went to the van, me in just socks, Dave’s mom clutching her stinky dog. I opened the sliding door on Julia’s side and was punched in the face by the foul stench of raunchy parmesan cheese and dog.
“That’s some gas,” I said, and went inside to get the Febreeze. Dave was spraying Julia’s car seat when his mom piped up and asked if we thought her dog had sprayed. In my van! On my kid! Only it didn’t smell like spray, it smelled…heavier. Funkier. We checked Julia, her car seat and the upholstery for wet spots, of which there were none, chalked it up to gas and sent them on their way. But once we got inside we couldn’t ignore the fact that the dog totally fucking reeked. The thought of my house smelling like Dave’s gas and dog gas didn’t thrill me, so I ended up in the bathroom on my hands and knees giving the dog’s hind quarters a wee shampoo like a sucker.
Dave’s mom was worried that the dog had in fact sprayed and decided to call the breeder she’d gotten the dog from. I half-listened to her end of the conversation as I pulled the fridge out and swept up Cheerios, dust rhinos and magnets. I was on all fours scrubbing god knows what off of the floor when I overheard her saying things like, “Anal glands? Juices? Release them ourselves?”
Say what?!
Turns out the woman who gave my mother in law this preshus wittle doggie woggie thought that the dog's anal glands might have ruptured. Most times dogs go outside and rupture the glands themselves, she said, but sometimes they burst on their own and if we wanted to, we could try and release them ourselves.
We could release the dog’s anal glands ourselves!
Now, I grew up with dogs. Besides the years I spent away at college, I had a dog in the house until I was twenty-four. In all of my years of pet ownership I have never, ever heard of a dog’s anal glands rupturing. Ever.
Isn’t it lovely how the first time I learn about such an occurrence, it’s because there’s a strong chance my mother in law’s dog’s ass glands burst all over my firstborn?
She got off the phone, grabbed her dog and said to me, “C’mere. Your eyes are better than mine.” And that, my friends, is how I wound up on the little stoop on my patio with the dog’s hind legs splayed, eagle style, so I could poke around her ass and look for a gland that looked inflamed while my husband’s mother said stuff like, “She said to look for a hole the size of a nail head. Do you see anything?”
I didn’t know what the fuck I was looking for. I’d never seen a dog’s ass up close and personal like that before and I sure as hell have never seen a canine anal gland before. “Uh, no, I don’t see anything,” I said before going inside to douse myself with lye.
Having not found any bulging glands, we left the dog outside in the backyard and went about our business. Once Dave and the kids got home we checked Julia’s clothes for wet spots and couldn’t see any, but her pants smelled kind of funky so I gave her a sponge bath, changed her clothes and tried to convince myself that it was just gas that smelled so bad and not anal juice.
Fast forward to last night, when Dave’s mom called to tell us she had taken her dog to the vet's.
Them glands were inflamed and had indeed ruptured.
Now there’s one for Julia’s baby book: May 12, 2007: Grammie’s dog’s ass glands ruptured on me for the first time!
87 Comments, Comment or Ping
Best.Post.Ever!
I just got “the look” from my boss because I laughed so hard at this. Thanks MT.
May 15th, 2007
Eewwww. Thanks grandma! Now Julia’s gonna grow up with an aversion to canine anal glands. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing! :)
May 15th, 2007
Wow, I’ve realized along with the pairing of “penis” and “teeth”, I never want to see the words “anal” and “ruptured” together in the same sentence ever.
I still say Dave farted.
May 15th, 2007
I know it was not funny at the time, and oh, poor Julia, but:
This is so damn funny. Maybe even the funniest.
May 15th, 2007
that is really, really gross. and you are A VERY GOOD SPORT.
May 15th, 2007
OMG LMAO….poor Julia being doused in anal glands…
May 15th, 2007
Oh ew. That’s some nasty!!!!
Anal glands are the absolute grossest thing ever. Or so I’ve heard.
May 15th, 2007
That was effing hilarious.
Mostly because I’ve had that shit happen to me.
May 15th, 2007
OMG. That stuff REEEEEEKS. It’s like 100x worse than when my new baby boy peed on his sister’s face the first day he came home from the hospital.
May 15th, 2007
um.
ew.
I WAS eating my lunch.
May 15th, 2007
I feel like I’m gonna puke.
May 15th, 2007
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww… Poor Julia – but at least she didn’t have to go outside and poke around the dog’s butt…
May 15th, 2007
Uhhh…I have never, ever heard of any such thing. But of course it had to happen to Julia! At least it was just doggie ass juice and not a skunk. I was sprayed by a skunk once, and I don’t ever want it to happen again.
May 15th, 2007
Ewwww. I can officially say I’ve heard it all!
May 15th, 2007
Too freaking funny…sorry about Julia’s part in the whole matter.
Best of luck with the move.
May 15th, 2007
Yup anal glands can rupture, the smell is kinda gross and a little musty. I wouldn’t want them to rupture on me though. If you ever see your dog skootching their bums on your carpet, that is what they are trying to do, pop their glands (they usually drain when they poo). I know TMI.
May 15th, 2007
Dude.
Let me pick myself up off of the floor.
I took my dog to the vet for the non-stop ass-dragging he had been doing and there were inflamed anal glands.
The doctor gave me a little tutorial…he said this:
‘If you visualize your dog’s anus as a clock…the anal glands are roughly at 9:00 and 3:00.’
Uh. Kay.
Not so much on visualizing my dog’s anus at all, really. But since you got yourself a first hand look, I thought I’d pass that little tid-bit along.
May 15th, 2007
i don’t even think i could do that for my kid…let alone someone else’s dog…you are a better woman that i, mamat.
May 15th, 2007
Oh
My
God
I remember the first time I heard about those glands and I remember my friend taking her dog to the groomers to have them do it. No gross story to tell, I just had a flashback to my shock over anal glands. I mean HELLO! cats don’t have ‘em and I sure has heck don’t have ‘em (though I’m not sure about my husband…).
You, Mama T, are a trooper extraodinaire. I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t do it. Though I did have to clean a cat’s ass of matted poop the other day, but I gagged often and wore a hazmat suit.
May 15th, 2007
Yeah. My dog has gas…and….anal leaks….yup. his ass leaks…Only when he’s constipated though. But he’s usually constipated only AFTER he eats the inside stuffing of my couch, or the wooden cabinets, or couch string…Yeah. Then, when he squeezes (because he’s constipated) while liquid oozes out his asshole…sometimes the blocked item pushes out too…like the aforementioned couch string. Yeah. I’ve already had to pull that out of his ass…Fun times I tell ya.
G’won, get a dog.
May 15th, 2007
As if I needed another reason to not get a dog, but this one tops the list for sure. :) I’ll be sure to bring that up the next time my husband decides he’s ready for a pet.
May 15th, 2007
I have a cat with really sensitive anal glands. She expresses them if you touch her tail. I don’t pet that f**king cat without wearing plastic. She doesn’t get much love.
May 15th, 2007
I can’t even believe the things that happen to you! Poor Julia!
May 15th, 2007
Poor Julia!!! But, be glad it was a small dog my dear….
I have a female great dane who is velcro dog and is glued to ME. When I took her to the vet once to have her toenails clipped, she refused to leave my side – and promptly wet farted all over my sweat pants. Maybe she had anal gland issues – I didnt stick around to check!! Thank the Lord they were black sweat pants – but curse my overactive nasal passages!
It was a contest to see whose snout was further out the window on the ride home – hers or mine!!!
May 15th, 2007
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Oh, Mama T, you are truly awesome.
I definitely don’t want a dog now either.
May 15th, 2007
Damn you guys know how to live and to think you guys are part of the Commonwealth!
We are supposed to be meeting you guys later in the year, any chance that you can come alone? No Dave, no kids and no bloody dog?
:-)
May 15th, 2007
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! That’s too gross, but funny too! :)
May 15th, 2007
You know, I knew they could get clogged and might need squeezing out, but rupturing is a new wrinkle… Blech! Our cat’s butt glands get clogged sometimes and you’ll see her scooting across the carpet on her butt to relieve it. Your mom might want to keep her eye open for that as a warning sign of further butt trouble.
May 15th, 2007
OMG, I am still laughing!!!!!!
Cats, by the way, DO have this problem. We had two old cats that had to have their “anal glands expressed” every time we took them to the vet. To this day, I can’t order “espresso” without thinking of a cat’s ass.
May 15th, 2007
Think “Tricky-Woo” on All Creatures Great and Small. Oh, and also think of old smelly billy goats. But don’t think too long.
May 15th, 2007
A friend of mine has an ANCIENT dog and they have had to help said dog express himself for his whole life.
I’m a dog lover, but C’MON!
May 15th, 2007
Oh my gawd, I am WEEPING with laughter!!
If my little dog’s ass ever needs milking, I am so kickin’ it out the door!
LOL
:)
May 15th, 2007
Oh, dear. Thanks for the laughs. At times like this, I am so very glad that I own a cat instead of a dog.
May 15th, 2007
ewwwwww.
i’m not terribly squeamish, but ewwwww. i think i’ll go pet my cat now. lovingly.
unless cats have anal glands lurking and waiting to rupture too? damn, i knew i should have paid attention in biology class…
May 15th, 2007
We have a dog now, and I swear to God I am NOT doing ANYTHING to his anal glands, EVER. That has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of!
I bet your van didn’t smell as bad as ours did when we took the back bench seats out to bring some lumber home, and while the bench seat was sitting in the back yard, a male cat peed and sprayed all over it, and then it sat in the hot sun, and THEN we put the seat back in the van and loaded our whole family into it and started driving. There is not enough Febreze in the WORLD to cover up that smell. We had to re-cover the upholstery on the seat!
May 15th, 2007
a) as IF I needed another reason NEVER to own a pet
b) the first time I read the post, I missed a period and thought you wrote: On Saturday morning Dave, the kids and his mom went out while I cleaned Dave’s mom. I was confused by this. Perhaps I should stop drinking while blogging? Or perhaps I should just get more sleep.
c) furiousball is SO right: ‘anus’ & ‘ruptured’ do NOT belong in the same sentance or thought or COUNTRY for that matter.
d) I’m LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at Susan’s comment and also wondering … WHY?
May 15th, 2007
There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there?! I’m so sorry to LMAO about this. Someday you will too.
Good luck with the move!
May 15th, 2007
O…M….G…. I was so NOT expecting this post. Andrew is doing homework and keeps asking “Are you ok Mom? Mom are you sure? Are you crying?” Good lord yes I’m crying. THere is some poor 3 yo out there with anal gland spray on her and I can’t stop laughing. Thanks, I needed that laugh.
May 15th, 2007
I’ve heard of such glands. I’ve not heard of — shudder — rupturing glands.
And all I can say — having composed myself after much shrieking-in-horror and laughter — is that you are a better and stronger woman than I will ever be.
May 15th, 2007
Please tell me you were wearing surgical gloves. Popping anything from any flesh needs gloves and safety goggles. My childhood cat Stanley would get cysts on his mouth. Our vet taught my parents how to pop them. The first time my mom took a try at popping the cysts she was sprayed by the puss –the rank juice splashed her glasses, and mouth. She puked which started a dry-heaving chain reaction with all of us spectators. If you were digging for anal blisters without safety glasses, consider yourself lucky.
May 15th, 2007
dude, if you don’t think this is karmic then you are kidding yourself.
release the anal glands, indeed.
May 15th, 2007
Next time that happens (yeah, right) drag poochie to the nearest vet and have someone to it for you, Vet techs get a high off popping strange liquid filled masses off animals, believe me, my sister’s one and OH THE STORIES SHE HAS.
May 15th, 2007
I’ve never been a big fan of parmesan cheese, but now? Ewwww.
May 15th, 2007
I have to laugh at this post, because, long story short: friend’s young small-breed dog, my lap, brand-new calf-length leather coat, anal expression, loss of brand-new calf-length leather coat. I could NEVER get the odor out of that fucking thing.
I do like her little dog, though, while forever refusing to ever let him on my lap again.
May 16th, 2007
You are one brave woman to face potential dog diarhea squirt out up close and personal. You go girl! Too funny!!!
May 16th, 2007
This is above and beyond the call, Mama T. But at least you and your MIL got to bond, even if it was while staring at a dog’s nether region. Too funny!
May 16th, 2007
HA!!!!
I laugh because… well, it’s funny as hell. Anal glands are the worst smell in the world. And you tried to express them! I can’t get that visual out of my mind. That goes above and beyond the call of DIL duty.
May 16th, 2007
Yuck…
My dog is sitting onmy feet as I write this as we our house seemspretty cool and I can not be bothered to get socks…
Whenver there is a smell in the house… we always blame my husband… not the dog…
as inevitably it is MY husband…and not the dog…
May 16th, 2007
That whole post cracked me the fuck up.
I’m just picturing you staring into the dog’s butt.
May 16th, 2007
yuck.
tink’s anal glands have not ruptured on me.
however, i did have a pomeranian’s
vagina fall out in my lap. ha ha.
one day i will tell the story online.
ha ha.
♥
May 16th, 2007
This is one for the books, MT. The day will come when this is as funny to you as it is to me, and that’s very, very funny.
May 16th, 2007
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
May 16th, 2007
Mmmmm…. ass juice, freshly squeezed from a lap dog.
May 16th, 2007
Lady you are FUUUUNNNNYYYY – right up with Dooce and Fabby I say!
May 16th, 2007
Duff farted last night, one of those paint peeling ones. Thinking of your post, I turned to Hoop and said, “Do you think there’s something wrong with his anal glands?” He couldn’t stop laughing for 20 minutes. Now you have me paranoid.
May 16th, 2007
I once brought our dog to the vet to have her anal glands “milked” I almost vomited all over the office.
I am sure it wasn’t too great for my dog either.
May 16th, 2007
oh man- we just talked about that at dee’s grad- i KNEW it was the anal glands!!!!
May 16th, 2007
This is really really gross. REALLY gross.
And yet, I too, am familiar with expressing the anal glands of our canine friends. A truly unpleasant task.
May 16th, 2007
OMG you are in FINE FINE form. Any post that has the words anal + glands + juices + release them yourself is a WINNER in my book.
This was a glorious story, MT. Writing up a storm!
May 16th, 2007
That smell tells me when it is time to bathe the dogs, and yes, squeeze their asses. The worst is when your dog is too fat to get a good grip and the glands can’t be expressed!
P.S. Whenever my dog’s asses leak like that, they lick it up. It is quite possible that dog did shart on your daughter and cleaned up after itself.
May 16th, 2007
I have completed the impossible task of laughing and gagging at the same time.
And I know one thing for sure – I ain’t gettin no dog!
May 16th, 2007
our beagles make that smell all the time (yes i am completely insane).
we call it ‘ass-pennies.’ because it smells exactly like a roll of pennies that has been shoved up an ass for awhile.
May 16th, 2007
Oh god, I saw this coming at the top of the story when you said it was a little dog. We have a chihuahua mix and while we’ve only had a few anal gland issues, once is enough for life. I am so sorry for you and Julia and all of your olfactory senses. That smell is heinous.
May 16th, 2007
eeewwwwww
May 17th, 2007
One word. Cat.
Cats are very clean and neat and fastidious. No drool. No gas, that I can detect, anyway. They don’t eat diapers or sanitary napkins out of the garbage. They bury their waste neatly.
Anal gland juice? That. Is seriously gross.
May 17th, 2007
Yikes! Julia may want to erase this from her memory, and you too lady! But it is too funny to not share.
May 17th, 2007
Oh……….God………..laughing my ass off here at work………..we have a 140lb female mastiff……….now add “anal glands” to that. We go to the vet to have them “expressed.” I am NOT getting up close and personal with a mastiff butt………or any butt, for that matter………….
May 17th, 2007
Rabbits. Rabbits have anal glands too, as I discovered when two of my girls had rabbits in 4-H. They started late in the program…and the first time I went to pick them up..there were 10 young girls, firmly holding their rabbits with one hand and sticking Q tips up their bunnie’s butts with the other. I wondered just WHAT I had signed them up for, lol.
May 17th, 2007
I am sorry to laugh at what was obviously a painful and traumatic experience, but……BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I am e-mailing Chicky Baby to give you a ROFL award for this one. It’s the least you deserve for cleaning up anal juices off your kid.
May 18th, 2007
Oh. My. Goodness.
I am laughing so hard (but not unsympathetically–you’re just a very eloquent writer) that I’m worried my own anal glands are going to rupture.
May 18th, 2007
I got nothing…
But that’s not stopping me from sniggering at poor lil’ Julia.
Snicker.
May 19th, 2007
I have no idea how I sumbled onto this post, but I am so glad i did! I cannot stop laughing for the life of me! My dogs are sitting here looking at me like I’ve gone completely mad!
May 20th, 2007
I STILL am ROFL at your MIL’s statement
“C’mere, your eyes are better than mine!”
Yeah…no thanks….
*SNORT*
Killing me….LMAO!
May 21st, 2007
I think I just ruptured my own ass glands laughing. Oh, I so needed that.
May 22nd, 2007
My parents dog has had the SAME PROBLEM.
Luckily, he has not had the same problem on my kid.
That’s one for the scrapbook.
May 22nd, 2007
Holy anal glands Batman!
That is just disgustingly hysterical.
June 1st, 2007
Okay, so I Think I just wet myself laughing…..
Good grief woman……I’m speechless at your bravery……….I would’ve divorced my husband rather than face doing that for my MIL, and in light of the fact that you are a better woman than I could ever hope to be I hereby give you a standing ovation from Scotland….well done lass!
June 1st, 2007
You are a very good daughter-in-law. I like my mother-in-law a lot but I’m pretty sure I would have told her no way. What if the gland had ruptured while you were looking or something? Talk about needing some lye.
June 1st, 2007
Holy anal glands – how did I skip this post when it originally appeared?!
I had a co-worker once who had the same problem, but with a HUGE german shepherd – big ass anal glands.(tee hee!) But the best part was she was one of those who thought “anal” was a bad word (fuck!) and she told us all about the problem with the dog’s “annal” glands …
June 2nd, 2007
Yet another reason our dog is staying outside! We dog sat one time, and after that our dog decided to mark our couch. I caught him and he’s chained to something whenever he comes in. Dumb dog! He is a good watch dog, though, saved us from being robbed, but our neighbor got it instead. They went through our car until the dog let us know someone was out there.
June 3rd, 2007
This post has been nominated for a Hot Stuff Of The Week at our site, GNMParents. Good luck in the voting!
June 5th, 2007
laughing into snorting- that is classy!
June 6th, 2007
ha ha ha, thats the funniest story i ever heard
January 28th, 2008
this is classic. simply classic. It’s one of those “I’d have to classify this as ficiton because no one will ever believe it!” classics.
September 21st, 2008
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