My oldest friend and I got pregnant with our firsts within two months of each other, and although I was envious that being eight weeks ahead of me she got to be un-pregnant first, I was secretly relieved that she delivered first because I wanted to know exactly what I was in for. Being my oldest friend, I knew she’d spare no detail.
“What was it like?” I asked her when she called to share the happy news – she’d had a baby girl. I was perched on the edge of the couch nibbling nervously on the phone cord. “Did it hurt?”
“It wasn’t that bad,” she said. She offered a few details but insisted that it wasn’t a big deal at all. “You’ll do fine,” she reassured me, and I believed her.
It’s true, I did fine. Julia’s delivery wasn’t one that you’d see on an episode of A Baby Story – it had more downs than ups – but I got through it. However, it was nothing like I’d expected it to be and afterward I was kind of pissed at my friend for so obviously leaving out the nitty gritty.
“I couldn’t,” she said when she came over a few days later to meet Julia. “I didn’t want to scare you.”
But I wanted to know, and it wouldn’t have scared me. I wanted to hear firsthand about the stuff that the pregnancy books weren’t telling me. I’m a ‘forewarned is forearmed’ kinda girl – I deal with things better if I know what lies ahead. After I’d had Julia my friend gave me the unabridged version of her daughter’s birth complete with an episiotomy, stitches, vacuum suction, faulty epidurals and mind numbing pain – all the stuff I wished she’d told me in the first place.
I didn’t know what to expect when I found out I was going to be a mother, and I still don’t know what to expect. I don’t think I ever will. Motherhood is much like riding a roller coaster – sit down, strap in and hold the fuck on, ‘cause it’s going to be a wild ride. I wanted to know that there would be days where I would be sorely tempted to sell my children to gypsies if it meant I could get a little fucking peace and quiet or that I might resent them at times for being so demanding and relentless. I didn’t know anything about dealing with a high maintenance child, the kind of child who rarely gives me a moment’s peace, who will scream for me at the top of his lungs until his voice is all but gone, who routinely sucks every last ounce of energy and spunk from me and who often reduces me to a blob on the couch capable only of weeping and grunting after he’s gone to bed. It would have been nice to know that it’s okay to not like your child when he’s being “difficult”, that I’m not a bad mother because he is and I’m not a bad mother if I yell at him, that I’m human, and that raising children is hard in ways I’d never anticipated.
I wanted to know that, and about how trying it would be to bounce between the roles of mother and wife and lover and friend and daughter and sister and housekeeper and chef and doer of everything when the role of mother is so demanding and time-consuming and all-encompassing on its own. I had no idea about children sometimes becoming rather partial to one parent and wanting that one parent to do everything for them from wiping their bum to pouring their milk to putting them to bed to speaking to them, and how fucking smothering that can be, and how you might just have to say to your child, “No, child, I’m not going to put you to bed tonight. Daddy is going to put you to bed because you have two parents, remember?”
I knew it would be overwhelming, and hard, but I didn’t know just how overwhelming and how hard it would be at times. And I gotta say, when the going gets tough around here I’m pretty damn grateful for mommy and daddy blogs, or mom blogs or dad blogs or parenting blogs or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called anyway, because the reality is out there, and when I read about it I’m relieved that I’m not the only one and that there are other moms out there who will probably read this and think, oh hell yeah, I know.
You know?
67 Comments, Comment or Ping
Mommy blogs are the best! I’ll always be grateful to Ali (http://alimartell.com) for these words she decided to tell me one day: “I have a blog.” From then on, I was hooked and felt supported and part of a community. It’s awesome.
My monkey is 2 weeks younger than Ali’s Isabella. It was THE BEST going through my first pregnancy with that seasoned mama. She was the best support for me. It truly rocks to be pregnant with your friends. :)
February 26th, 2007
That’s so funny — I just commented on someone else’s blog that I am afraid I am growing to like the cyberworld better than my actual world. Everyone’s so kissy and huggy and supportive. And they don’t need food on the table, or ass-wiping, or a referee for their kids’ bickering, and they don’t even need sex (this last is just a reference to the fact that sometimes I am so dead tired at the end of the day that all I want is not to be touched by anyone, even by the man I love). They definitely don’t mention THAT in What To Expect…
I hear you, and as usual, I enjoy the way you communicate.
February 26th, 2007
Well, after reading that I’m kinda glad I’ve decided to post-pone the whole baby/pregnancy deal for a while. But really, I must make sure my husband does not read this blog or he will go ahead and have a vasectomy before we have kids.
I’d like to say I know what you mean, but all I really have to compare your experience to are my cats–Narbles most definitely prefers Nick to me, a little hurtful, but she has a pretty smelly bum most of the time so I lucked out a bit there as she is constantly trying to sit on Nick’s nose with her brown-eye when he is sleeping.
Anyone who says being a stay-at-home mom is a cushy job should spend a day in a mom’s shoes.
February 26th, 2007
I KNOW!!! God, I usually feel like I have it pretty good, but the last two or three weeks? Between the kids at work and Pumpkinpie going through another round of pushing all the time? If I never see another kid again, it’ll be too soon.
February 26th, 2007
Yes, I know. Oh, I know. My son was a difficult child from birth. I heard every one talking about how rewarding parenting is and how fufilled they felt. I was thinking …then what the hell is wrong with me? Parenting is hard, and messy, and draining, and discouraging, and exhausting, and mind numbing at times….sometimes more often than not. But no one ever mentioned that. Finding friends that would tell it like it REALLY is was such a blessing. Blogging serves that same purpose. Great post.
February 26th, 2007
Coming out of the shadows to say that I love your blog. I don’t know how I found your blog, or any blog for that matter, as I had no idea what the hell they were 6 months ago. Sure wish I had found this stuff when I had my first. We were 23, newly married and the first of our friends to have kids. I was lost. Luckily, kid #1 was a mega easy baby, but it was still lonely and bewildering nonetheless. Then came #2 when I was 26 years old. He was so hard on me, so different from his brother. Nothing that worked with 1 worked with 2. I was convinced that he hated me, and scared to let anyone know that I just might not like him either. Not something I felt I could tell my friends for fear of judgement, or worse. I never hurt him, or even wanted to, I was just so tired of the screaming, overwhelmed and unattatched. I couldn’t fix this kid. I felt like I must be doing something wrong, and really questioned my abilities as a parent. The thing about blogging is that my ‘friends’ would all nod their heads in sympathy while regailing me with stories of how wonderful their little Johhny was and how they wished they could offer some advice, but of course they never shared those feelings or had that kind of a kid themselves. Not them. But Bloggers are honest. This is the first dose of ‘you are not alone’ that I have had since having kids. No competition or judgement, just honesty. I feel a camaraderie (sp?) when I read these blogs-like I really am doing ok, that so many other moms really are going through the same things at home, no matter how they and their clean matching Gap size 2 outfits may deny it. I am in month 8 with #3, and though these bloggers are strangers I’ll never meet or truly know, I can feel their support through their stories, their words so much better than mine. I’ll never be able to write a blog myself, but their words are my own anyhow. So yeah, I know.
February 26th, 2007
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this post today. I really needed it (and linked to it on my blog). My oldest is approaching 3 and as such can be a holy terror at times – so thank you for confirming that we all deal with mom-issues, and that everyone but me is indeed not a “perfect” Mrs. Cleaver type. THANK YOU.
February 26th, 2007
Oh, GOD, yes. I know.
February 26th, 2007
Yeah, I know.
February 26th, 2007
Amen and Hallelujah do I know!!
February 26th, 2007
I love the online life really. I find that people are more open and accepting and will talk about anything. I assume because they won’t see that gasps and looks of horror on people’s faces when they admit something ghastly. LMAO!
I love this world of blogging really and am so greatly that I happened upon it. It’s been a relief for me in many ways.
I have been to the point where I question my abilities to parent properly because I have thought about shaking the baby, or walking away from him in the middle of a tantrum in the store. But then I realize that many (if not all) parents have these thoughts. They don’t make you a bad parent, they prove that you have sensibility when you DON’T act on these thoughts and you’re really not half bad after all.
February 26th, 2007
hell yeah, baby.
oscar is the sunny-est, happy-est, sweetest MOST INSANELY INTENSE child I have ever met. Some days I RUN from him.
February 26th, 2007
luckily our days are mostly really good. but the bad days? oh, they are really bad.
February 26th, 2007
I think there’s a glitch in the mommy universe this week-thanks for saying what I couldn’t verbalize myself. I’m so bleh I can’t even be funny.
February 26th, 2007
I think it’s really amazing that communities of interest can form so easily online and provide support for members of that community. I can’t even imagine how stay-at-home moms survived 40 years ago…
February 26th, 2007
“I wanted to know that, and about how trying it would be to bounce between the roles of mother and wife and lover and friend and daughter and sister and housekeeper and chef and doer of everything when the role of mother is so demanding and time-consuming and all-encompassing on its own.”
Amen…and Amen.
A little over a year ago I ran into a friend and former co-worker at a Christmas party. I’ve always considered her to be the “perfect” mommy/wife with the perfect home and kids. I asked her how her kids were doing and she looked at me point blank and said, “Oh they’re BRATS.” I wanted to stop and kiss her right then and there!
February 26th, 2007
Amen sister. It is so nice to hear someone say, “I’ve been through that too. I survived and you will too.” And its nice to know that other people admit that their children SUCK THE LIFE RIGHT OUT OF THEM. (Holy crap have I had three consecutive days of that recently.)
So thank you for saying you felt smothered by a demanding child because I feel that alot. And when I mention this to my husband I get a whole lot of “its your fault he’s demanding and what did you expect, this is your job.” (Which yes, easy to say when your a man who rarely spends 2 consecutive hours alone with the child…) So my biggest venue of support IS momblogs!
February 26th, 2007
Oh THANK YOU for that, I am dealing with the hell of being a single parent right now. My husband in in Iraq as an International Police Officer. I AM HATING IT. My 6 year old is currently yelling at the top of his lungs that he hates me and he is not going to bed. My 15 year old is locked in her room listening to the radio as loud as she can to drown out the sound of her brother yelling that he doesn’t want to go to bed and I am here at the computer trying to find somebody, anybody to tell me it is ok to hate them at times and that I can do this. I can’t call my mom because all she will say is that “you knew this was going to happen”. I can’t call my MIL because she is just a bitch at times and will tell me that she doesn’t have time to talk. I AM LOOSING IT RIGHT NOW. Sorry for the rant. Reading this came at just the right time.
February 26th, 2007
AMEN. If only I could have found them sooner. Thanks for articulating how I (and many) have been feeling.
February 26th, 2007
Sure do know.
February 26th, 2007
I totally agree. Mommy blogs are the best!
I wish there were more blogs on pregnancy though… People don’t document their pregnancies it seems. I guess because there isn’t a very big audience for that except for the few months that women are actually pregnant.
Reading parenting blogs though gives me a good insight as to what I am up against and what I will very soon have to start dealing with. Only 4 more months to go!
February 26th, 2007
Yes, I do! And I wish that parenting came with a handbook. ;)
February 26th, 2007
absolutely. the community of it all astounds me sometimes. lifts me, grounds me. makes me feel held, sane, comforted…
i had no idea, but i am damn happy about it. and you.
February 26th, 2007
I completely know.
February 26th, 2007
I’m a ‘forewarned is forearmed’ kinda girl too.
And who freaking KNEW?! Huh? HUH?!
I’m that research a topic I’m interested in-to death- type of a person. It’s part of my ‘obsessiveness’.
So anyways. Oh yeah….I KNOW….
February 27th, 2007
When mine were small, I felt so isolated. It was such a drama to get everyone out of the house and I was so exhausted and letting them get off schedule made everything worse so my social life was SEVERELY limited. I really needed support but before blogging, the only way to get it was to join a play group or something and I couldn’t make it work.
Mine are now 9 and 11. Life started to feel really good and happy when they hit 3 and 5. Before that, there were happy moments but they were sandwiched between a lot more stressful ones.
Hang in there. It’s like boot camp! You do graduate and get to move on.
February 27th, 2007
Not yet…at least not in that gutteral, real world way you mean…but I suspect I will soon enough. :)
February 27th, 2007
You always know how to say what I am thinking but can’t wrap my words around. Mommy blogs are the best. Especially yours.
February 27th, 2007
i can remember my oldest daughter hitting me, hurling abuse at me and defying me, and at the same time she would only let me put her to bed and would yell out only my name in the middle of the night when she needed something. it has gotten much much better. it blows my mind how mother nature “erases” so many negative memories (she’s trying to trick us into having more kids!)
February 27th, 2007
Yup. In fact, I am working a post through my head right now about how to deal with one of those clingy children who demands only one parent ALL the time. It was such a relief just reading this to know that I am not the only one.
February 27th, 2007
You are in my head again and I’m wondering how you can stand the echo of your thoughts in there (isn’t it deafening?). All I gotta say is: I KNOW.
I knew it especially so between the hours of 2am and 4am the past few weeks.
February 27th, 2007
Right on the money, MT. I am so glad to have this forum — keeps me sane, and I’ve made lots of amazing friends to boot.
February 27th, 2007
p.s., off-topic: I see in your sidebar you are reading Anthony Kiedis’ book. Is it any good? He’s one of my favorites.
February 27th, 2007
This is a great post, and *exactly* why I think this here blogging thing is actually quite transformative. I would like to defend your friend’s choice to not share about the nitty gritty details (and her delivery sounds exactly like mine, btw). I mean, what do you do with that knowledge apart from scare the shit out of yourself?–because, let’s face it, we know it’s going to hurt like a mother and no one can really tell you what it’s like till you’ve been there, legs splayed moaning and shrieking like there’s not tomorrow. WHen people decided to give me their horrible labor stories when I was preg, I thought “what is wrong with you that you would decide to tell me this right now? But that’s just me.
You are SO on point about there needing to be more openness about how ambivalent you can feel about your child when they first come–especially if they are high maintenance. Nothing prepares you for this. This is where you need shared stories and support. My first son sounds a lot like yours–screaming screaming screaming; sucking sucking sucking. I had a primal deep love for him (I knew I would kill for him) but I did not like him. My husband and I took a walk while my parents watched him at 1 week and we both actually talked over our fantasies of having him adopted or even worse… We both expressed how we’d “changed our minds” and would have laughed if we’d both not been so sleep deprived and teary. It was an experience that seriously put me off having another for a long while (4 year age gap). Of course now he is a precious angel,. blah blah blah, but when your first is like that, I think you can seriously end up in some sort of Post Traumatic Stress (not kidding).
February 27th, 2007
During my son’s delivery (which did end up like a Baby Story delivery) I remembered watching my wife’s face while she was pushing and thinking, “holy shit, did her head just change shape from pushing too hard?”
I swear to this day that her skull actually squished from all of her push muscles being tensed up. She just laughs at me when I mention this…and then kicks me in the nuts in case I try to impregnate her again
February 27th, 2007
i’m am sooo with you on this one. i want to know. no matter how gorey and gross it’s going to be. i want to know about the trainwreck having a baby turns your body into…mamabloggers are honest. and i love them for it!
February 27th, 2007
It’s why I read blogs too freaking much. It’s where I find solace and company in an increasingly isolated world. It’s where I find that we all mostly have everything in common, from our loves to our frustrations.
(And about the clingy thing: our 3-year old frequently refuses to have her father get her ready for bed. I think if we let her, she would have me do everything. She’s even, at dinner, requested a drink and when my husband went to get it, she said, “No, I wanted Mommy to get it.” Of course, we don’t let her get away with this, but I understand the frustration. It is, at times, amazingly overwhelming.)
Thanks for a great post.
February 27th, 2007
Dude! I know!
February 27th, 2007
I couldn’t agree with you more. Yesterday was one of those days for me, I barely had the energy to keep myself from crying until everyone was sleeping. Some days are like that, and it’s awful. Awful because I know I’m not even close to being my best self, or giving good time and energy to the kids (or anyone else), and sometimes just hoping that THIS isn’t the day that my kids will always remember.
Even if I had heard those things before having kids, I’m sure I would have thought “oh I’m sure that CAN happen, but probably not to me” because it’s easy to be that optimistic when you’re so naive. But now that I do know, I’m grateful for your post because even if I didn’t know ahead of time, it brings some comfort to know that someone else is having a similar experience.
February 27th, 2007
Vive la Mommy and Daddy Blogs! Or something like that.
February 27th, 2007
So sorry it has been THAT kind of week.
And yeah, we all know what you are talking about. Gotta love your blogger friends.
:)
February 27th, 2007
Can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that I’ll already have such a great support system. No matter what, there are so many great moms out there who have already been through it.
February 27th, 2007
Boy do I know!
February 27th, 2007
But it’s worth it right? RIGHT?
“Vacuum suction” Oh God. What is that for? Do I want to know?
I swear, I wasn’t scared of having kids until I joined the blogosphere. I knew it was going to be rough. But I kept thinking, “It’ll be a surprise! That way I can’t worry.” Yeah…
February 27th, 2007
Ditto. Absolutely fucking ditto.
I will always love them but there are days when I don’t like them. And days when it’s a good thing you can’t auction off a kid on eBay.
February 27th, 2007
I am constantly humbled by the mommy and daddy blogs that I read. I live vicariously through you all, hoping that one day we’ll have our own children. But I read and am in awe. I’m in awe of the honesty, the support and the admiration and the humor that swirls around in this fantastic blog o’sphere. And I am honestly thrilled that you all have eachother like this and look forward to SCREAMING for help when the time comes.
February 27th, 2007
My forever friend had her first when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I got to the hospital within an hour of the birth. She had mascara running down her face and her “hair was in a rat’s nest and looked like hell”…..she screamed GET AN EPIDURAL at the top of her lungs. Every other sentence was GET AN EPIDURAL. Yes, I had an epidural. ‘Cause she scared me into it. ;)
February 27th, 2007
reason number one on the list of hundreds why i read you (and all the other parent blogs): the nitty gritty.
it’s made it a lot easier to wait the five years andrew and i agreed upon when my clock starts ticking. i have been honestly informed. parenthood is fucking terrifying and harder than any other anything on earth, and more rewarding, and hard. mostly hard. obviously rewarding enough that most kids don’t get sold to gypsies, but hard…
thank you so very much for every scary/frustrating/maddening/beautiful moment that you share. some day i’ll catch up.
February 28th, 2007
Oh hell yeah, I know!!
I love, love, love you. And, um, were you at my house the other day when I looked at my daughter and said with as much love as I could possibly muster, “Please stop touching Mommy. For just a few minutes? Please. Also, COULD YOU REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY ASS-CRACK SO THAT I CAN WALK TO THE KITCHEN SINK WITHOUT YOUR LITTLE HEMORRHOID-SELF DANGLING FROM MY BACKSIDE??? Please?”
Heh.
February 28th, 2007
Yes. Yes, I do.
And I’m not even fully there yet.
February 28th, 2007
Standing on my chair, wildly clapping. HELL YA!!
You rock it sista!
Now I will go and retract my offer to sell them on e-bay. But only because you inspire me…
February 28th, 2007
Did you hear that? That was me, sighing in relief. Well said.
March 1st, 2007
wow. you’ve done it again. consider me your humble follower as I echo, hellz, yes.
March 1st, 2007
Yes, I know. Exactly.
Congrats on the PP Award!
March 1st, 2007
Once we had our babies, my childbirth class was asked back to speak to a group of women nearing their due dates. Our class facilitator sent an email round specifying that we should not be “too truthful”. As someone who felt betrayed that I was never told what to truly expect, I didn’t want to lead other women to believe childbirth and new motherhood were as rosy as you’re often led to think. I think there is a way to pass on that information without coming across as all doom and gloom.
When I covered these issues on my own blog, I did wonder whether I was being too honest. I didn’t want to terrify pregnant women just looking for guidance. Ultimately I decided I would be doing them a much more vast disservice by not telling the truth.
Fantastic post.
March 1st, 2007
As the 57th person to comment, I’d like to add a resounding, “I know!” and it’s exactly why I started blogging.
March 1st, 2007
I know!!!
I’m here from HBM’s Perfect Post post…congrats! And this was WONDERFUL!
March 1st, 2007
Amen, MT! Perfect post indeed.
I had a troll the other night to come on and whine about bloggers and blogging and how lame it us and useless and pointless and we need to get a life…and I just shook my head, as I deleted the comments and thought, “okay, whatever you say” while I smiled huge.
March 1st, 2007
I joined a new mom’s group when Gabe was 3 weeks old, and when I got to the first class all these women kept saying “I just didn’t know it would be this hard!” and all I kept thinking was that CLEARLY they don’t read blogs, or they’d have known.
On all the above, I’ve only been a mom for about 60 days, and I already know. It can be so hard and so fucking lonely at times, even though you have this little person with you 24/7.
March 1st, 2007
Oh. I know. Thanks for saying it so well.
March 1st, 2007
It’s probably why I started blogging…
And I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know everything about what to expect when giving birth. I wanted to know everything when I had my first. And, even though the arrival of no. 2 is imminent, I still feel the same way….
March 1st, 2007
It amazes me how “blogs” can connect us with total strangers. You really summed it up in this post! Congrats!!
March 1st, 2007
Fuckin’. A.
:)
March 1st, 2007
Oh yeah. It’s that the beauty of it all. The thing is, no matter how much anyone tries to prepare you, I just don’t think you know until you KNOW.
March 3rd, 2007
Weeping and grunting AND EATING ICE CREAM, you mean right? Oops sorry just doused the keyboard in a drip of half-baked ben and jerry’s with the cookie dough. Off for another paper towel… catch ya..
March 5th, 2007
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