My husband is one of the pickiest adult eaters I have ever met. The list of things he doesn’t eat is longer than the list of things he does and there are many foods that he refuses to touch despite the fact that they have never passed his lips before, ever.
Simply put, Dave likes his starches. Pasta, rice, crusty Italian bread, potatoes, pizza…and I don’t blame him, but he doesn’t balance those starches out with anything else. He’s a meat n’ potatoes but hold the veggies kinda guy. He does eat a select few vegetables and watching him eat them is almost comical: he eats them first, very quickly, in order to get them over with so he can throw himself into the meat and the starches, those sweet, sweet succulent starches.
So you could have knocked me over with a feather last night when he sat down beside me on the couch and told me he wanted to revise his eating habits and that for starters, he was willing to try salad.
My husband does not eat salad. I don’t think he has eaten a salad or anything remotely close to a salad in his entire life. I’ve known him for six years and I’ve only ever seen him eat a teensy weensy smidge of lettuce, but he ate it on a bet and sort of convulsed mildly and drank a big glass of water immediately after putting the smidge in his mouth, so it doesn’t count.
The shock and disbelief…well, I’m sure you can imagine. I sat there and gaped at him for a couple of seconds. I shut my mouth before drool started to escape and told him I would buy him anything he wanted. Then I gently reminded him this was salad we were talking about.
“Oh, I know babe,” he said. “I was reading about mixed greens today at work.” He enunciated the words mixed greens like he was speaking a foreign language, and he practically was. “Can you get me some mixed greens?”
“Babe,” I said. “Mixed greens is salad. That’s what a salad is. Its different kinds of lettuce – hence the term ‘mixed greens’ – with vegetables, vegetables that you don’t eat, with dressing on top.”
“Well, if you just went out and bought me a loaf of salad, I could try it, you know,” he said, in a rather haughty tone.
“A loaf of salad?”
“Yeah, you know, those balls of salad.” He made a ball shape with his hands. “A loaf of salad,” he said, all huffy-like.
“Those loaves of salad are actually called heads of lettuce, Dave,” I said, patting him on the back. “But you reach for those stars, okay?”
He’s got a lot to learn.
51 Comments, Comment or Ping
Funny! So funny!
“He enunciated the words mixed greens like he was speaking a foreign language.”
This made me laugh after a full day of stomach flu. And you know what? That is a pretty high compliment.
January 27th, 2007
I suddenly feel a whole lot better about my own dietary intake.
Kudos to Dave to opening up to the green stuff.
January 27th, 2007
From this day forward I will never look at a head of lettuce without thinking “salad ball and loaf of lettuce”. Thanks Dave.
I need to know how the nouveau cuisine works out for him. Start him slow with iceburg and carrots because god knows what he will think a Mesclun salad is made of… I always used to think it was Mescaline but discovered nope – no trippy peyote in that salad.
January 27th, 2007
Wow. I am in awe that someone has never before eaten lettuce. Just drown it in dressing for him, maybe he’ll like it.
January 27th, 2007
Now, now, let’s be supportive here. Give the man a damn salad!! Give him a herd, a gaggle, or integrated verdant leaves!
January 27th, 2007
Loaf of salad? Well, if putting it into starch terms helps him out… LMAO!!
January 27th, 2007
Hahahah! That cracked me up. A loaf of salad… classic.
My hubby also hates salad but I make him eat it anyway. I keep trying to find unusual ones that he might like. Yesterday I made salad with just rocket (I think you call it Arugula over there) and pear and parmesan with a balsamic vinegar dressing. He liked it. The first salad I have made that he likes.
January 27th, 2007
Tell him that eating veggies and salads will make his turds a lot more interesting. It will help, I promise. Anytime a guy thinks his shit will be cooler based on what he eats, you’ve won half the battle.
Ever seen ratemypoo.com?
January 27th, 2007
I swear, y’all should have a TV show. You’re funnier than most on the air now.
January 27th, 2007
oh, wow. that is hilarious. i mean, hilarious.
a loaf of salad? I dare you. make one. and take pictures.
January 28th, 2007
You can’t be serious. Did you remind him that due to the fibre content in salad that the word “loaf” isn’t really appropriate on either end of eating it.
January 28th, 2007
He has NEVER eaten lettuce? Like not even on a McDonalds hamburger? How on earth has he not gotten scurvy?
I think it’s great that he’s willing to try a loaf of salad. Good for him!
January 28th, 2007
OMG!
““Yeah, you know, those balls of salad.” He made a ball shape with his hands. “A loaf of salad,” he said, all huffy-like.”
The fact that he was huffy when he said it had me rolling- Hubby actually took the time to read the whole entry (doesn’t like to read anything too long) because I was laughing so hard.
This is priceless!
January 28th, 2007
Can you get pics of his first foray into a bowl of salad?
I cannot imagine life without salad, esp the crusty bread in the dressing at the end part.
Good luck Dave!
January 28th, 2007
Awesome. You have to give him points for trying.
Start him off with those boxed salads that have herbs and stuff in it. (Olivia’s Organics is one brand I like.) Also, throw plenty of nuts and cheese in it. Salads don’t have to be all iceberg and carrots.
January 28th, 2007
Here’s the trick to getting your man to eat lawn, Tulip. (Apparently this works, because my brother has the same problem and his girlfriend found a solution to have him imitate a rabbit.)
Offer him “special favours” if he eats a whole loaf. (Wink, wink.) You know, the variety where we get cricks in our jaws and blisters on our knees.
Apparently, this is just the inducement to get a man to make like bunny and eat grass. If that doesn’t work, I second mamalujo1’s suggestion.
January 28th, 2007
Why do I have visions of “salad balls”? And so not in a good way …
January 28th, 2007
I say serve the salad with lots of croutons and toasted almonds. Give the man the startch he craves!
January 28th, 2007
A loaf of salad!! Oh for Christ sake! Well, I suggest iceberg–although nutritionally useless aside from the fiber it is a good start- some grated cheddar, a couple of tomatoes (if he can handle the texture) some grated carrots and a whole lot of croutons with some Italian dressing and I’m sure he’ll get over his hatred of balls of salad.
Now get this–it’ll probably shock his system, and he’ll most likely have a great big case of the lettuces’. this is when you take a shit and at first it holds it’s lovely log-like shape, but once flushed it disintegrates, similar to Whetabix, and leaves a ring of lettuce stuck around the edge of the toilet bowl for whoever is so lucky as to sit on the throne next!! Happens every time I eat salad…
January 28th, 2007
Awww….a loaf of salad. That is classic!
January 28th, 2007
Giggle. pao would never eat salad willingly either :)
January 28th, 2007
OMG…I started cracking up after “mixed greens’ and by “load of salad” I was in near tears. Please keep us posted on how Dave does with this loaves of salad!
January 28th, 2007
I would pay to see a photo of your man while he’s eating that loaf of salad.
I know SO MANY MEN (son included) who are like that.
Does he get brownie points for the thought?
I hope you are feeling better and you’ve gotten some sleep. Sounds like life as been super hectic for year.
January 28th, 2007
OMG, this is JUST like Mr. Chicken. He eats green beans like they are filled with tiny shards of glass. I’m on a weight-loss program, and he is killing me with all the potatoes.
MMMMMM … potatoes ….
January 28th, 2007
“he ate it on a bet and sort of convulsed mildly and drank a big glass of water immediately” LOL
Colin is exactly the same. I think if he asked me for a loaf of salad, I’d bake a loaf of bread with and put some olive oil salad dressing on it.
January 28th, 2007
“Offer him “special favours” if he eats a whole loaf. (Wink, wink.) You know, the variety where we get cricks in our jaws and blisters on our knees.”
You know…that just might work.
January 28th, 2007
TAGGED! you don’t have to do it I just needed to think of people and you came to mind see my blog for details
January 28th, 2007
I think we married the same man … (so spoooooky)
January 28th, 2007
I will never look at a head of lettuce without thinking “a loaf of salad” again.
I had a friend who did not eat any green vegetables. None. Or orange, yellow, or red ones, either. Then he met a beautiful German health nut and that was all it took. True love.
January 28th, 2007
That’s too funny!
January 29th, 2007
Ingenious, really, that loaf thing. What a mind he’s got…
Does he like fruit and nuts? Bren is pretty leery of the tomato-mushroom-cheese sorts of salads, but will very cheerfully eat pretty much any kind of green if it’s mixed with dried cranberries or cherries and toasted almond slivers or pecans and topped off with poppyseed dressing. Helps the carb addicted get used to the idea of leaf-eating by sweetening the whole thing up a notch or two. Cole slaw and/or broccoli slaw is also a good in-between option if you get the right sort of dressing (”Jimmy’s Cole Slaw Dressing” is popular with my sweet-addicted guys, but I don’t know if they have that in your area. Think in terms of a sweet/tart dressing, rather than a creamy dressing – the poppy seed dressing will do in a pinch).
January 29th, 2007
A loaf of salad.
Bwahahahahaha!
Oh God I adore him
January 29th, 2007
That’s hilarious! I have a friend who is a vegetarian and a picky eater, so she won’t eat most vegetables. It’s weird. Basically she subsists on starches and dairy. Also, she’s an RN, so you think she’d know better.
I was an incredibly picky eater when I was a kid, but now I’ll eat just about everything save for weird meat products.
January 29th, 2007
literally laughing out loud at the idea of a “loaf” of salad… love it.
January 29th, 2007
the only friends you win with salad are the ones in prison…and that’s a different salad alltogether
January 29th, 2007
Dave is so pretty. :)
January 29th, 2007
I think you need to document his first salad. He’s a salad virgin! Snort…
Seriously, though, just find a really yummy dressing he likes and then camoflauge the heck out of the salad “loaf.” ;)
January 29th, 2007
Ah, Dave.
January 29th, 2007
I really think I could give Dave a run for his money when it comes to the picky eater category. My taste buds have still never “grown up!” Haha! :)
Really, I am so bad. For the first few years I was married to Mike I only order chicken strips when we went out to eat at any restaurant! I has just been recently that I started trying other things, but do not bother trying to give me any type of seafood. I can already tell you I won’t like it, even if I have never tasted it. :)
January 29th, 2007
“Loaf of Salad” – you/he should have that trademarked. Oh my God that is funny.
Love Chantal’s comment.
January 29th, 2007
My fiance, too, is captain of The Picky Train. And, alas, not just with food. Sometimes I can trick him into eating something he has previously professed to not like but he still refuses to touch peanut butter, which just seems blasphemous to my entire childhood.
January 29th, 2007
I have died laughing.
And then come back to say Way to go, Dave! It’s never to late to eat better.
January 29th, 2007
I’ll be looking for an update to see hwo he’s doing wiht his loaves of salad. That really cracked me up!
January 29th, 2007
Oh my God, you’re not secretly my SIL are you? This is my brother to a tee. Not a drop of salad will touch his lips (he says he doesn’t like dressing). And as a kid his line was always, “I’m a meat and potato guy. Without the potato.”
Now he likes potato. Sometimes asparagus. That’s about it.
January 29th, 2007
Was someone holding a gun up to his head during this conversation? A taser to the nuts? WHAT in the world would make a man, who’s never eaten salad, suddenly decide to try? The world continues to confuse me. Maybe you should have a head of bread handy in case that loaf of lettuce doesn’t work out. ;)
January 29th, 2007
I am going to use the phrase “loaf of salad” from here on. Too, too wonderful.
If he’s transitioning to the world of leafy goodness, I bet ranch dressing would help it go down smoothly. Nothing tastes bad with ranch dressing.
January 29th, 2007
This from the man who can’t tell the difference between a flipper and a spatula? :P Loaf of salad truly is awesome.
January 29th, 2007
Jeez, I needed that laugh. *sigh* thanks.
A loaf of salad. Pft.
:)
January 30th, 2007
Okay. I’m laughing at Dave too. BUt I totally want to help as well.
I was going to post a salad recipe on my food blog this week. It’s one that most guys who hate salad are willing to at least try, and usually like. MY husband invented it. I should have it up in the next few days for you if you want to look.
January 30th, 2007
Dave offically takes the cake over Tim. A loaf of salad? That is priceless. I thought Tim was bad calling Dulce de Leche cheesecake dulce du chey chey.
February 12th, 2007
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