There are three pieces of background information that you need to know before reading this post:
1) I hate grocery shopping. Dave almost always does it.
2) The last time he shopped he came home with a container of these for Julia:
This grossed me out a bit because it’s a container of hot dog nubs, and to me the grossest part of a hot dog is the end, all wrinkled up like an asshole. And to me, these little mini hot dogs look like little hot dog assholes.
3) Julia loves hot dogs.
Last night Dave and I were watching The (White) Rapper Show when we saw a commercial for a hot dog juicer. We watched, slightly horrified, as these two freakshows guys shoved wieners into this machine, turned it on and ended up with a big tallboy of clumpy hot dog juice. I’m not sure if it was some sort of spoof or an actual product, as I had to turn away when the one guy started chugging and didn’t catch the end of the commercial. It was disgusting, to say the least, and totally fucked up.
“Julia would love that,” Dave said.
I snorted. After yesterday’s post it shouldn’t surprise any of you that the odds are high Julia would be all over hot dog juice.
“Ew,” I said, shuddering. “That’s almost as bad as those nubby hot dog assholes you bought her.”
Dave’s eyes lit up. “Hey, has she eaten those yet?”
“Ew, no. I haven’t been able to bring myself to give them to her.”
“It comes with its own ketchup packet,” he offered.
“That’s not enough to make me want to feed our daughter hot dog assholes, babe.”
“They’re not assholes. They get bigger when you cook them, you know. They don’t stay little forever. They’re shrink-wrapped.”
“Shrink-wrapped?”
“Vacuum packed.”
“Vacuum packed hot dog nubs that get bigger when you cook them?” I scrunched up my face. “So like, I put them in the microwave as nubs and they come out as full-sized wieners?”
Dave frowned. “Well, no. More like cocktail weenies.”
“You bought vacuum packed cocktail weenies for our daughter?”
“Yeah!”
I decided to see if she’d eat them this afternoon. I was curious – I wanted to see if they’d expand into cocktail weenies. She nodded vigorously when I asked her if she wanted to try them and I stood in front of the microwave and watched to see if they grew into weenies. They didn’t, which I found somewhat disappointing, but she happily stabbed them with the little two-pronged spear that came with, dipped them in the provided ketchup and ate almost every nub. She turns down nutritious, well-balanced meals but inhales hot dog assholes.
Thank god for hot dog assholes.
54 Comments, Comment or Ping
Ewwww….
I will NEVER look at the end of a hot dog the same!!!
Mama Tulip, that image will haunt me for life…
January 16th, 2007
Hot dog assholes … Holy Shit, I’m cracking up over here.
So they didn’t expand, huh? Perhaps it was shrinkage? Just sayin’ …
January 16th, 2007
Hot Dog Assholes would be an EXCELLENT band name.
January 16th, 2007
Holy shit! I nearly gagged just reading that. Never in my life would I have thought they looked like assholes….but THEY TOTALLY DO. Thank you, you disturbed woman, you. *shudder*
January 16th, 2007
Maybe they were shy?
January 16th, 2007
Oh fuck me. That is SO gross. I hate hot dogs as much as you hate grocery shopping. Especially since I read this and accidently stumbled across some gay anal piercings on the internet today. I SWEAR is was accidental. I don’t go seeking that shit out.
Heh. Leave it to Maple Queef.
January 16th, 2007
But I liked hot dogs :-( I’m not sure I do anymore.
January 16th, 2007
That was BEAUTIFUL, sister!!
Rooster, like Julia, will pass up all healthy food – though not for hot dogs – for Hebrew National Beef Salami. Our little 16 month old girl will eat a 1lb log if you let her. Nasty.
(Though maybe not as nasty as dog assholes.)
January 16th, 2007
That’s gotta be a t-shirt. I’d buy that over “Writing is the best revenge” ANY DAY!
January 16th, 2007
Julia and Charlie could totally hang.
January 16th, 2007
I nearly lost the quarter tub of ice cream I just ate while reading about the hot dog milkshake. gross.
January 16th, 2007
I turned my kid on to veggie dogs, so she is only eating mock-assholes. They don’t fare well in a juicer though.
January 17th, 2007
So this is not the time to offer you a traditional sausage in a bun then?
January 17th, 2007
hot. dog. juicer.
BARRRRRRRRRRRF
January 17th, 2007
Eeeewwwwww!!! That’s so disgusting.
The juicer made me gag; I think I barfed a little in my mouth.
Hot dog assholes, sounds like something Mike would feed Carter. *gag*
January 17th, 2007
Hot dog assholes……..I don’t even know what to say, except that I am dying laughing here………….what in the HELL do you people eat up there in Canada? I’ve been to an awful lot of grocery stores here in the states, and I’m pretty sure we don’t have…………uh, well………anything like that. Mini hot dog ends that come vacuum packed in a tub with their own ketchup packets and a two-pronged fork to eat them with……..my GOD, I love Canada…………….hockey, great beer, and the aforementioned hot dog assholes……….make room, I’m heading north………
January 17th, 2007
I’ve never even heard of these hot dog assholes. I bet my kids would be all over them too. Mine love 98 cent Banquet TV Dinners! you can’t beat that.
January 17th, 2007
Lord. My secret shame is an unnatural love for hotdogs. I think they’re delicious, and I ignore each and every gross fact I’ve ever learned about them. This is no exception. My hotdog obsession can withstand even you, my friend.
January 17th, 2007
*Laughing in sobs* Holy shit. That is SO funny. YOU are so funny. Hot dog assholes… I’m not going to be able to look at another hot dog the same again.
January 17th, 2007
I don’t eat the ends of hot dogs–they’ve always grossed me out, but I could never figure out exactly why. Now I know!
January 17th, 2007
Ick. Just ick, that’s all I can muster in response to this whole, hilarious post.
Ick.
January 17th, 2007
The only way I can eat a hotdog is to cut the asshole off. I just can’t look at it.
And, um, the hot dog juicer? I totally puked a little in my mouth when I read that.
January 17th, 2007
That’s just nasty! I am now scarred for life.
January 17th, 2007
hot dog asshole is a delicacy in some parts.
that reminds me of what you call the brown parts of a banana – bananus
January 17th, 2007
Did you read the label to see if they contained the dye Rectal Pink #25?
And now thanks to Karen, I’m imagining a PIERCED hotdog nub.
When the nub doesn’t expand to a wiener when heat is applied, it’s time for a little Viagra. Is it cheap in Canada?
January 17th, 2007
Hot dog juice? I just threw up a little in my mouth!
I’ll still eat hot dogs, but I love the hot dog asshole observation–I’m going to giggle every time. Can’t wait to tell Shakey!
January 17th, 2007
I love hot dogs so I’m sure I would totally eat those! LOL!
As for the hot dog juice, ewww.
Now THAT is nasty. ♥
January 17th, 2007
Laugh out loud funny!
January 17th, 2007
That’s the funniest post I’ve read in a LONG long time!!
January 17th, 2007
Oh, god, a whole postful of grossness! Now I’m mos’ def going to have a hard time eating hot dogs next time I see one. Blech.
January 17th, 2007
Hot dog assholes: priceless imagery. Love it.
(I love that you were watching the white rapper show. I’ve been watching VH1’s “I Love New York” and feeling mild self-loathing. I feel better knowing I’m not alone in my junk TV viewing habits.)
January 17th, 2007
that is totally gross. why are kids (and husbands) so weird?
January 17th, 2007
She’s obviously her father’s daughter :)
January 17th, 2007
that’s so disgusting i could hardly read to the end of the post
(but i did, of course)
January 17th, 2007
You know, I read this post and laughed my ass off. I, like Julia, am a big lover of the weiner. Yes, that one too. But I digress.
I thought this post was hilarious. And then my dog walked away from me and I caught myself looking at his ass.
And it looks like the nub end of a weenie.
Suddenly, I don’t love hotdogs so much, and suddenly this post wasn’t so funny…
January 17th, 2007
You’re putting us on, right!
January 17th, 2007
Horrors! I feel the same way about Vienna Sausages, only instead of the puckered ends it’s the jelly-like stuff they’re packed in. Yuck!
January 17th, 2007
Nubs.
Juice.
Hotdogs.
Three words that should never ever ever meet. This is the stuff childhood scars are made of! lol
I love a good faux dog myself. I was vegetarian for years and acquired quite a taste for the imitation asshole and lips. Now I stick to turkey dogs and believe you me, I do not even want to think about what goes in those (although I can’t see how it could be worse)
January 17th, 2007
EW ew EW ew EW ew EW ew EW ew………….!!!!!
January 17th, 2007
Hot dogs are NOT food. They are the leftovers after they make other meat products with the rest of whatever kind of animal they use-pig, cow, cat, dog, horse, bunnies etc…
The asshole reference is really quite observant there mama-T, and accurate, were you by chance watching SexTV when you came up with that one?
January 17th, 2007
Another reason to love corndogs – you do not see the pucker. Mmmmm…. corndogs.
January 17th, 2007
That is hilarious!
January 18th, 2007
First time reader here.. great blog btw… I like your style!
That post had me chortling and cringing at the same time… kinda like watching a scary movie through my fingers. I can’t bear to watch yet I can’t quite help myself.
And I agree “hole”-heartedly on the hotdog thing… can’t even bring myself to type h-t d-g juicer… ugh… {go to my happy place, go to my happy place}.
Our girls have a new-found love of the dogs thanks to my man and my dad though the bucket-o-puckers has not darkened our door and won’t as long as I am IN CHARGE of groceries.
While I admit to occasionally crossing over to the dark side for some “street meat” it’s always of the best quality available.. whatever that means… and heavily seasoned… and like, once a year. Oh and I’m drunk at the time.
January 18th, 2007
One of Limp Bizkit’s (yeah, I know how lame Fred Durst is now, but it was 1999, okay?) CDs was titled “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water.”
I couldn’t look at the CD case. It made me want to hurl.
In my first year, some guy drank hot dog water on a dare and then puked. I can’t even make weiners for my kids. :(
January 18th, 2007
dude…i hate to break this to you, but the entire hot dog, nub or not, is an asshole. lips and assholes, to be precise.
i mean, it’s true. john candy said it. gospel freaking truth.
January 18th, 2007
“It comes with its own ketchup packet”
HILARIOUS
I never thought about hot dog nubs looking like assholes but you’re right.
Ewwwwwwww.
January 18th, 2007
Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I love the way you tell a story.
January 18th, 2007
You. Are. So. Creative.
No more hot dogs for me!
January 19th, 2007
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ha ha!
ha!
January 19th, 2007
Ew! They make a freaking hot dog juicer? Who on god’s green earth would want to juice a hotdog? It’s like the lower elements of the ’shwa took over the entire food industry focus group segment. Eek.
Someone told me that hot dogs float because they’re mostly made of lung tissue. Can’t eat ‘em.
January 19th, 2007
“thank god for hotdog assholes”
Just one more reason why I love you.
January 20th, 2007
EEEEEWWWWWwwwwwww!
January 22nd, 2007
I love to read any posts that talks about hot dog assholes because it’s just so true. And is that hot dog juicers for real or what?
January 22nd, 2007
The old man moved angelina jolie fucked her head away. When i finally closed up for having.
October 28th, 2008
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