Every day around lunchtime Julia starts asking if she can wait on the porch for Dave to get home from work. She asks me about six thousand times between then and four-fifteen, when I finally let her go outside to listen for Dave’s truck as it chugs its way up the street.
Last week was rather long and arduous and by the time 4p.m. rolled around on Friday I was ready to jump on the weekend like a fat kid on a Smartie. Oliver was cranky and clumsy, on an all-day mission to wind up in a body cast and Julia, at her whiny and emotional best, had been crying for goddamn ever because she wanted to wait on the porch for Dave. Like he does every afternoon, he called from his cell to tell me he was on his way home. I could hardly hear him over my screaming children and barked at him to call when he was close to home before abruptly hanging up and running to catch Oliver as he fell backwards off the couch. His head bounced off the floor before I made it to him and a goose-egg started to swell, complimenting the one sticking out of his forehead from an altercation with the fireplace. I sat down in the middle of the floor, rocked him as he howled and started the Bedtime Countdown in my head: three more hours until they go to bed three more hours until they go to bed three more hours until they go to bed…
Julia came over and stood beside me, red-eyed from crying. “Can I go on the porch now?” she whimpered.
“Not yet, sweetie. Daddy’s going to call when he’s close,” I said over Oliver’s screams.
Her face crumpled and she broke into heaving sobs. Again. “I w-w-want to w-w-wait for d-d-d-DADDY!” she wailed.
I was just about to rip clumps of my hair out and start screaming with them but the phone rang. Dave. My salvation. He’s close! I can send Julia outside and then I’ll only have one screaming child to deal with! I lunged for the phone.
“Thank god you’re close,” I sighed.
“Oh, no, I’m not close at all,” he said.
“What? Where are you?” I asked before turning to Julia to tell her that no, Daddy wasn't close and she couldn't go out on the porch yet. Cue sobs. Again.
“I’m not even on the highway yet. There’s an awesome rainbow outside, babe! I’ve never seen anything like this before! I pulled over to take a picture of it! I’ll bet you guys can see it from there – get the kids and take them outside to see the pretty rainbow…woah…what’s going on over there? Why is everybody crying?”
Now, I could have sprung forward and herded my hysterical children outside to hold hands and admire the pretty rainbow while thanking my husband for alerting us to the natural beauty arching across the sky, but does that sound like something I would do?
Hell no.
Instead, I shouted, “A rainbow? A pretty rainbow? FUCK the pretty rainbow, Dave. Get yourself back on the highway and come home. NOW.”
The love. It’s flooding out of my house.
47 Comments, Comment or Ping
Well, it is a pretty rainbow…….
October 2nd, 2006
Well, it is a pretty rainbow…
October 2nd, 2006
ha ha ha ha ha.
You poor girl.
Rough day, huh?
:]
Oh, and cause I’m lazy–Again, love the music list. You really are my twin :]
October 2nd, 2006
“FUCK the rainbow.”
Ahaha *Gasp* hahahaha! That is EXACTLY what I would have told him too. Dude, I love you.
P.S. I think Skittle’s should ditch their “taste the rainbow” slogan and adopt yours. MUCH catchier.
October 2nd, 2006
Us poor hapless men. You gotta love us.
October 2nd, 2006
That is an ultimate rainbow but really, if there is no bucket of gold, green leprechaun or maybe a flying unicorn just keep on truckin’. I know all too well the 4 P.M. breaking point.
October 2nd, 2006
lol that is totally what would’ve come out of my mouth. I feeeel for you.
But Rae loves rainbows waaaay too much for me to get away with that.
October 2nd, 2006
Can’t blame the guy for pulling over — that is a pretty awesome rainbow. On the other hand, I’ve had way too many days like yours. Good to know I’m not the only one doing the countdown. On bad days, it starts keeping track right after breakfast.
October 2nd, 2006
The time just before someone else comes home to deflect some of the screeching, running, crashing, whining should never be delayed by a rainbow. No matter how beautiful.
October 2nd, 2006
By the end of a long week, the only rainbow I want to see is the light pouring through my margarita glass.
(PS: The other morning, I went into my pantry and thought ICK WHAT IS THAT SMELL? Wanna guess what it was? Do you??? ROTTEN POTATO. Liquified rotten potato. And I totally thought of you.)
October 2nd, 2006
This is why I love you. You’re so real. Not that everybody else isn’t real, but you somehow take the real and make it realer.
October 2nd, 2006
I almost died laughing when I clicked over and saw the caption on that Flickr photo. You rock my world, Mama T, even when you have a bad day.
(but I hope you don’t have any more bad days like that!)
October 2nd, 2006
I love this post. I can relate to it so. Just shut up and get the fuck home!
October 2nd, 2006
Oh, a rainbow. That was worth your sanity.
It was a pretty rainbow, though. :)
October 2nd, 2006
Can I live in Dave’s World? It sounds a lot like John’s World but I get two halve the amount of kids.
October 2nd, 2006
Damn, he better have shown up with a 6-pack… But that might be my favorite Mama Tulip line ever: “FUCK the rainbow.” Yeah.
October 2nd, 2006
Aw, he’s a sweet guy who just doesn’t get the whole being alone with the kids and desperately needing a break thing like us moms do. The rainbow was cool, and it is sweet that he appreciated it. I doubt my husband would even have noticed it.
October 2nd, 2006
I was thinking ‘oh, that was so sweet of Dave’ and then I read your comment to him and fell out laughing. I think I would have responded the same way. You crack me up regular.
October 2nd, 2006
oh, lady. a) you’re still okay enough to crack a joke like “fat kid on a smartie” which means you’re — well, you’re hilarious and fucking tired.
b) I really, really hope the weekend gave you a few minutes of peace. iow, that Dave gave you a few minutes of peace by removing the children and other stimulus from your presence.
c) rainbows are totally overrated. I’m so fucking serious.
October 3rd, 2006
I too was all over the weekend like a fat kid on a smartie. Hope the goose eggs heal and he made it back double time. I like rainbows best when they’re prisms from my wine glasses as the sun sets.
October 3rd, 2006
A husband who notices rainbows? That’s a pot-o-gold as far as I’m concerned.
Sorry for your trying afternoon.
October 3rd, 2006
Oh my bloody hell. You are funny. I like you. I found you over at Jenny’s place and I’m so very glad I did. (I also count down to the bedtime. Thank you for typing that out loud.)
October 3rd, 2006
We used to have that conversation a lot. Now that Mr. WG works from home, life is SWEET. I just stand outside his office door with the screaming baby and say obnoxious things like, “If Daddy really loved you, he’d GET OUT HERE NOW!”
October 3rd, 2006
We used to have that conversation a lot. Dow that Mr. WG works from home, life is SWEET. I just stand outside his office door with the screaming baby and say obnoxious things like, “If Daddy really loved you, he’d GET OUT HERE NOW!”
October 3rd, 2006
LOL! It is too bad that real life gets in the way of rainbows.
:)
October 3rd, 2006
Oh yeah. I would have said the same thing….
October 3rd, 2006
Pretty rainbow. But not keep-the-kids-waiting pretty. The sight of kids happy to see their daddy is prettier than any rainbow ever.
October 3rd, 2006
It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not the only person in the world that has days, hours, minutes like this.
Love it!
October 3rd, 2006
Hehehe! That just made me laugh! I can SO picture that!
October 3rd, 2006
Um…are you sure we’re not related in some way. Dave sounds an awful lot like Mr. Half and you…well…you could pass for me ten years ago. I feel your pain, kiddo.
October 3rd, 2006
My thoughts exactly when I saw the word “Rainbow.” FUCK THE RAINBOW, get your ass home, man! Haha. I’m sorry you had such a hard day but hey, at least you got good blog fodder.
October 3rd, 2006
Remind me never to tell you that I saw a rainbow. :)
October 3rd, 2006
A fucking rainbow? A fucking rainbow? Holy Shit, I so would have kicked Dave’s ass.
We endure the “wait for Daddy” crap, too. I totally get you. And if a stop on the way home involved a fucking rainbow, I would have fucking unholstered. Goddam, if a stop on the way home does not involve something I explicitly asked the man to bring home, I’d be pissed. One time I called to say, “Where the fuck are you?” and he was drinking a beer with the state trooper who lives down the street. I think the whole world heard my shotgun rack … are you fucking kidding me? But a rainbow? A fucking rainbow? That really would have pissed me off. More than the beer call. Beer, I get. But a rainbow? Fuck the rainbow. And fuck the fucking Leprechaun, too.
October 3rd, 2006
Erm…pretty…rainbow?
I hope Oliver’s head’s okay….
tomorrow will be a better day, right? Can’t get much worse than that day. Whew!
October 3rd, 2006
Crying kids trump sappy rainbows every time. You have my approval for sure.
Also, killing the husband’s “joy on the outside” is always great blog fodder. ;)
October 3rd, 2006
amazing how much difference 10 minutes can make at the end of a shit day. i woulda told my huz to stick the rainbow up his happy ass and come get his kids. you rock.
October 3rd, 2006
“Fuck the pretty rainbow!” hahaha! You rock. I also enjoyed the fat kids/smarties simile.
Hope tomorrow is less stressful!
October 3rd, 2006
Oh Mamatulip…I love the way you talk the way I feel….
ahem( it is a pretty rainbow).
October 3rd, 2006
LMFAO. (I had to add the “F” in there because I really mean it, this was fucking funny).
October 4th, 2006
Truly, that is a pretty rainbow!
Too bad Dave didn’t stop his car and took the photo better.
But I guess it wouldn’t be a better choice if he knew what’s goin’ on in the house. lol.
Julia’s afternoon habit is so sweet ;).
October 4th, 2006
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October 4th, 2006
“Like a fat kid on a smartie”………I almost fell off my chair when I read that – it’s the best line ever – and FUCK the rainbow……….get your ass HOME………that would have been my reaction 100% – my world is going to SHIT, and you’re looking at the pretty rainbow…………….aaaaaaaaah……….
October 4th, 2006
“FUCK the rainbow.”
I laugh, because it’s so real.
And I also loved “like a fat kid on a Smartie.”
October 4th, 2006
The absolutely crazy thing is…we can have days like this….and still want more children…
What the heck is wrong with us?????????
October 4th, 2006
Beautiful rainbow? Sorry, horrible horrible rainbow. I think Mummy needs a big hug and a huge beer!
October 4th, 2006
LOL. Totally not where I thought that story was going. That was awesome.
October 4th, 2006
I feel so guilty for laughing so hard.
I remember when mine were small and I’d wait for 4:30 like my life depended on it, because IT DID. If E was even delayed five minutes, it killed me.
October 5th, 2006
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