Dave and I went to prenatal classes when I was pregnant with Julia. The class was split into two halves: the first half covered breastfeeding, babyproofing, breastfeeding, life with an infant, things to avoid doing or ingesting during pregnancy, SIDS, the hazards of second hand smoke and breastfeeding while the second half covered breastfeeding, going into labour, when to go to the hospital, delivery, breastfeeding, PPD, how we’d feel physically after delivery, life with a newborn, post-partum support and breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding was pushed hard at our prenatal classes – Breast is best was the slogan used most often. Our teacher was straightforward with us, saying it was something that both mother and child had to learn and that it would probably be difficult and frustrating in the beginning, but to give it a chance and not give up quickly. The overall tone was every mother is able to breastfeed – it just depends if they want to or not.
I knew before we started going to the classes that I wanted to breastfeed. To me, it felt like the natural thing to do, but I’ll be honest: we’re cheap. Babies aren’t. Breastfeeding is. After checking out the price of diapers I decided that at the very least, I was gonna give it a try. I found (and I think Dave did too) the classes to be a bit overwhelming, but we found the fact that we were going to have a baby pretty bloody overwhelming and basically resigned ourselves to feeling overwhelmed for a very long time.
Julia’s delivery was difficult and I was unable to nurse her after she was born. She was given formula initially but the following morning I was able to nurse her successfully and it was smooth sailing from there on in. When it came to nursing, Julia and I just clicked. She was a champion nurser from the get-go and I loved it. I was lucky – I never ran into difficulty; the only thing that I had to adjust to was her making it very clear early on that she preferred one breast over the other, leaving me no other choice but to stuff my left side so my rack appeared proportional. I nursed her for a year and was surprised that I missed it after she’d weaned.
When I got pregnant with Oliver there was no doubt in my mind that I’d breastfeed him too. It started off well but I became quickly overwhelmed with his insatiable appetite – I couldn’t nurse him fast enough or for long enough, and either during or immediately after a feed he had bowel movements that Dave and I dubbed “poo tsunamis”, because, well, they were. After the feeds and tsunamis came the crying jags, which got longer and more intense as he got older. By mid-November he was covered in angry patches of eczema and I was alternating between pulling my hair out and frantically trying to self-diagnose my son, because mother’s intuition is almost always right and I knew something was wrong. He wasn’t the same – it was clear he was uncomfortable and nothing we did settled him. It was, without question, the most difficult challenge I’ve had to face as a parent – there were days when he would scream nonstop and eventually I got to the point where I felt like I was going to just break down and lose it, which I came close to doing on several occasions.
My gut told me he had a food allergy so I started a food journal and began to eliminate things from my diet that I thought might be responsible. I called warmlines and lactation consultants for help and advice and was encouraged to keep breastfeeding, but I was starting to think that breastfeeding wasn’t the best way for Oliver, which was devastating for me. I had never considered that I wouldn’t be able to nurse him, ever. I’d assumed that it would be with him the way it was with Julia: easy. And when it wasn’t it rocked my world. I felt like a failure, like I was failing my son. I felt like people would think I was less of a mother when they found out I secretly wanted to try formula with him; that I was taking the easy way out.
While at our house for dinner one night Dave’s mom witnessed firsthand what we’d been going through with Oliver for weeks. She told me to get in my car, drive to the drugstore, buy a can of formula and give it a shot. I cried the whole way there, because I was both relieved that someone else suggested what I’d been thinking and ashamed I was resorting to what I’d been thinking. His reaction to the formula was negative – he got terribly constipated and broke out in an alarming, angry rash on his back, upper arms and torso. And the screaming got worse.
I took him to the doctor the next day and we spent a good while going over his history. My doctor is fabulous and was very supportive, as he could relate – he and his wife had a similar experience with their son and they ended up putting him on soy formula, which is what he suggested I do with Oliver. He told me he would support my decision to continue or quit breastfeeding either way and to go with what I felt was best for my child.
I left his office feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. I drove straight to the store and bought a can of soy formula, went home and fixed a bottle for Oliver. The difference was instantaneous – within minutes of him finishing the bottle he was relaxed, happy and smiling. For months he’d been tense, screaming, writhing, and now he was content. We’d never seen him like that after a feed and we were thrilled – I cried, and I think Dave got a bit teary too.
I never looked back. I kept him on soy formula until he was one and then slowly made the transition to whole milk, which he’s (thankfully) had no problems with. To this day I don’t know what the problem was, but I know what worked.
What I came out of this with, besides a heightened respect for parents that have babies with allergy issues, is the understanding that what works for one might not work for the other. The vast majority of us want what is best for our children and when we make decisions like formula or breast, we need support and respect, not criticism – this coming from a mother who, two years ago, would probably have scoffed at another’s decision to make the switch to formula. You can best believe I feel differently about it now.
When I read Her Bad Mother’s call for action I immediately started thinking of worthy causes to write about. And I thought about this piece, which I’ve been pecking at for several days now, and how I think mothers supporting mothers is a pretty damn worthy cause. So this is my cause, my call for action: Our job is hard enough without all of the decisions we need to make for our children, so let’s stand up and support each other in making them.
51 Comments, Comment or Ping
Thanks for this. You know Q had some allergies – not sure what – and I wonder if I had just tried soy formula if I wouldn’t have had to suffer through that damn diet.
I’ll be more aware this time – and not feel so bad if I have to switch to formula.
September 11th, 2006
I agree with this post so much I don’t know what to do with myself. Yes, yes, YES mothers supporting mothers is a worthwhile cause – all by itself. If there’s a way to translate what we’re doing here into a related goal like, say, affordable day-care, then that’s fantastic, but really THIS is so important, so worthwhile, so very NEEDED. Stories like this one don’t overlap with my own experience directly (neither of my children has allergies), but I so fully recognize the intensity of your experience – the shock and the guilt, our appalling vulnerability to influences like those prenatal classes. There’s so much poison circulating out there, investing every little choice a mother makes with such life-or-death significance – we all need posts like this one, desperately.
September 11th, 2006
A-friggen-men. This is my basic, fundamenal philosophy of motherhood. And we need more of these stories, of parents just working their way through it, doing the best they can, finding the best way, or the closest thing to it that they can find blindfolded in a dark room filled with marshmallows.
If we could just all let ourselves believe that we’re all in that boat together, then maybe it would stop rocking so hard.
September 11th, 2006
Preach it, sister! I have never understood why keeping a baby alive, no matter how you do it, is one that divides mothers. WTF? I’ll be thinking about this post for a long time to come.
September 11th, 2006
Hell ya! Mothers supporting mothers is exactly what we need. I support you 100%. Great post and excellent call to action!
September 11th, 2006
Thanks for sharing this. My SIL pumps and then we bottlefeed the niece – she doesn’t want to breastfeed. My SIL does get some grief for this – but the benefit is that we can all feed the niecelet and my SIL can stockpile for leaving the niece with the grandparents for a night or two…
September 11th, 2006
Yeah – what MB said
This has been for me the single most pressing issue in the last two years since my daughter was born. We are all so hard on ourselves, so tired, so worn out what we need is some unconditional mother love.
September 11th, 2006
Being a parent is hard enough without people ridiculing our every decision. Your decision to switch to soy formula was one based on information and not just a whim. I think too often we are hung up on what others deem is “right.” Sometimes it’s not that simple, you know? I got a bit of slack for a girlfriend who had two drug free labor and deliveries when I decided, with the advice of my OBGYN I might add, to go ahead and have a scheduled c-section for my second daughter’s birth after experiencing a pretty horrific emergency c-section/recovery from hell after my first daughter and feeling like I’d been hit and then dragged for miles by a semi. It ended up being the right decision. I was physically and mentally in much better shape after having my second daughter. Let’s all support each other and not tear each other down. Great post!
September 11th, 2006
that should be “slack from a girlfriend”…ooops!
you get the picture…sorry I blabbed on and on ;)
September 11th, 2006
Amen. And again…AMEN!
September 11th, 2006
amen!
I had a similar problem with Peanut except I could not exclusively breastfeed due to a breast reduction surgery. I had to supplement his diet AND take lactation meds for myself which have some unpleasant side effects. Let me tell you I cried for a week when I had to give him formula (I was distressed about all the crap on the label), he is 2.5 months now and gets maybe 20-30% breastmilk, and yet I feel judged by the “breast is best” mothers out there who judge before they know the reasoning when they watch me put a bottle in his mouth.
Your post rocks!
September 11th, 2006
You know, it is SO true. I have watched HUNDREDS of moms and dads parent – up close. Every one was different, and every one of them was doing just fine.
Nobody can tell when the kids graduates from high school whether he was breast fed or not…had a binky or not…toilet learned at 2 or 5…slept with the night light on or off….or in her mom’s bed until age 8.5. My original batch of babies are freshman in college now!
We’re so concerned with the little things that we fail to support each other in the big things. Like not running into the woods and disappearing to become Feral moms.
And allergies? Oh, they are the silent torment of so many families.
September 11th, 2006
Amen! Every child and every family is different. I was fortunate with Sam like you were with Julia. But he did occasionally get a bottle of formula. My mom bottle fed my sisters and I and we’re all fine. I worry so much about the guilt people lay onto new, inexperienced mothers who are so vulnerable and exhausted. It is such an unfair burden. We really need to look out for one another.
September 12th, 2006
Where I come from, women give up breastfeeding all the time, and I can tell you they do so with much less remorse and far lesser research. Our breastfeeding campaigns are feeble, and a developing economy means all able-bodied men and women should work, proper nutrition be damned. In effect, nobody really cares.
Not advocating this extreme but really, we make this choice guilt-free, all the time. We don’t give two hoots about being thought a bad mother at all. I’m too busy to care! Got work to do, people to see, places to go!
I breastfed my first two mths also due to work, and my second for nine because my nipples were falling off. And still, nobody cares.
Still a strong advocate for breastfeeding though because for one, a penny saved is a penny earned. ;)
September 12th, 2006
I had the same super easy natural experience with my first. My second two were twins and I tried like crazy to breastfeed them. When that didn’t work, I tried to breast and bottle feed them. When I realized my daugher (2 at the time) was getting shortchanged because all I did was try and feed the babies, and I started losing so much weight that all I wanted to do was sleep I still tried to persist with the breastfeeding because it was “what I should do”. Finally someone else suggested that I try to stop and see what happened. I needed someone else to tell me it was ok and then it was an amazing discovery. We were all much happier with the bottles. My fourth son was only breastfed and never took a bottle ever in his life except for when he was first born and in intensive care. I think you are right and that we need to make sure our “breast is best” stuff doesn’t make bottle parents feel like they aren’t doing what they should. Parents need to make choices based on what is best for them even if it isn’t what other people would choose. Babies will thrive regardless of how they are fed as long as they are given as much love and care as they need. Great post!
September 12th, 2006
The BC in me wants to ask so many questions (about the LC’s you spoke to) but the Mom in me just doesn’t want to open old wounds.
The bamboo shoots and water diet. I know it well. I was confused, tired and completely overwhelmed. Almost 4 years later I sometimes wonder why I stuck through it so long.
You know I think you rock, but I’ll say it again. :)
September 12th, 2006
We had a very similar experience with my daughter’s reflux, which responded dramatically to soy. I wish I hadn’t been guilted into nursing my son so long and I wonder if he’d have had the same wonderful experience with soy.
September 12th, 2006
I was lucky, GC took to BFing like a champ and we did it for a year. But I never understood the BFing Nazis who made other moms feel like shit. A close friend just had a preemie and they were struggling with all that when they were attacked by a lactation nazi at the hospital … they’re pumping and bottlefeeding now but almost gave up b/c of the Nazi attack. So good for you for this post, good for you!
September 12th, 2006
I never even tried to breastfeed my first two girls. My life was crazy then, two kids two years apart, a husband that travelled all the time, and a full-time job. I don’t think I could have put the necessary effort into it that it requires.
I nursed my third, largely due to financial reasons, but also because I knew he was my last and I wanted to know the feeling of breastfeeding. It was a tough road, way more painful than I ever thought it would be. I decided to give up after 3 weeks only to find that I couldn’t. I yearned for it mentally. So, I kept it up for about 7 months, until I had returned to work and my supply was almost nil. It was one of the best experiences of my life.
September 12th, 2006
It’s funny. I know that sometimes breastfeeding isn’t an option. Obviously it wasn’t for you and Oliver. I want to try it. I want it so much and at the same time I’m afraid it’s not going to work for me. It’s an irrational fear becasue I have no reason to believe it won’t, but I’ll be so dissapointed if I can’t do it.
Isn’t that silly?
September 12th, 2006
“Our job is hard enough without all of the decisions we need to make for our children, so let’s stand up and support each other in making them.”
Amen, sister.
My oldest had allergies, and the first two weeks of his life when I was breastfeeding were hell. HELL. He didn’t gain weight. I look at pictures of him then, now noticing how thin and pitiful he looked, and wonder why I even put him through two weeks of struggle. Soy formula was a godsend for us.
September 12th, 2006
I hear you. We couldn’t breastfeed and I went through what you experienced. It shouldn’t be that way.
September 12th, 2006
This is an excellent post.
Excellent :] I’m glad that you found something to work for Oliver and that he is thriving now :] Good for you!
I think moms are too quick to jump on a bandwagon and slam someone..It’s kind of high school-ish, isn’t it?
♥
September 12th, 2006
When you adopt you have no choice but to use formula! :)
September 12th, 2006
Amen! I remember the early days with my daughter, when I told friends who had children the same age who weren’t BF that I was, they would initially shy away from me. Like they thought that because I was nursing that I would be one of those breastfeeding nazis. Of course I told them that they had nothing to worry about from me, feed your baby formula if that’s what makes everyone happy and healthy. But I wondered just how many people they had encountered that reacted negatively because they didn’t nurse. Sad, very sad.
September 12th, 2006
Good job, Mama T! You are so right. Every baby is different! Wyatt had that same skin condition– he still has it, actually. We are very strick with his diet, as that is all that works. And my friend who just had a baby a few months ago also has it, but what worked for us isn’t working for them.
The best gift I give new mothers, is just a collection of advice from hundreds of different women. Because moms should know that there is not just one answer that always works for all situations and all kids.
:)
September 12th, 2006
Great essay – I can empathise with what you wrote. It must have been a very hard decision but I bet you are glad you did it. Lots and lots of big HUGS.
September 12th, 2006
Excellent post! I’m so happy you found something that worked well for Oliver, and I’m sorry you went through such a difficult time first. Thanks for sharing your experience!
September 12th, 2006
Bravo, Katherine, Bravo!
I am glad that you found a solution that worked out for you and most of all, for Oliver. I agree, moms should support each other’s decisons. So many things are in the “gray zone” when it comes to parenting. There are no black and white answers. It is whatever works for your family. I like your cause!
September 12th, 2006
This is one of the most worthwhile causes I can think of. What a superb post. Here here. Bravo. Clapping enthusiastically. And some exclamation points thrown in for good measure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 12th, 2006
What a fantastic and well-written post!!! I hope that I will be able to breastfeed when I’m at that stage, but the more I listen to friends and read about other women’s experiences, the more I learn about potential challenges as well as level-headed responses to those hurdles. Things don’t always go as planned. The more people talk about how there’s no “one right way” (concerning breastfeeding, potty training, etc.) because every person is unique, the better it will be for all women, regardless of our stage in life. Bravo! :)
September 12th, 2006
Mothers supporting mothers is brilliant. I love this post!
My newborn daughter was losing weight. The doctor gasped, wide eyed at my torn nipples (from the out of date breast pump). Yet it wasn’t until I broke down in tears before the nurses would agree to provide us with some formula. We are made to feel like horrible mothers when breastfeeding is not an option.
Every decision we make is made as an individual for the people that we love unconditionally, our children. Having the support of other mothers is sometimes all we need to help us make it through another day.
September 12th, 2006
Whoa! We’re on the same wavelength, sister!
I didn’t even see your post and we mentioned a lot of the same things. What do you think? Ready to start The Tribe with me? You can have the inaugural chapter.
Great post. I should have just posted a “what she said”!
Amen!
September 12th, 2006
Awesome, awesome post. My plan is to give breastfeeding (TWINS!) a shot and not to beat myself up if it doesn’t work out–would you believe it, I’m already getting negative feedback on this plan of action! There are so many ways to be a good mother; we need to support each other’s attempts to do just that.
September 12th, 2006
Oh so good good good. Amen, redux.
September 12th, 2006
preach it, sistah!
(And because it’s very difficult for me to just write, like, 3 words at a time: my grandmother tried to nurse every single one of her SIX children and was unable to produce milk. apparently she was the .nth percentile of the population who are physically unable to produce milk. weird, eh? ummm … that’s all.)
September 13th, 2006
goddamn straight, man. I had overproduction issues that made me come closer to losing my sanity than I like admitting, but I’ll do it — I’ll admit it if it means just one more person understands that it’s tough, mothering is, no matter what choices you make, and you just have to figure out (no easy task) what your baby needs and how you can best accomodate it, while still maintaining your own need fulfillment. Fuck anybody who doesn’t recognize that the mother has to be *sane* to be a good caregiver.
Fuck ‘em.
September 13th, 2006
Hell yes!
If you were here I’d high-five you. Is that still cool? High-fiving?
September 13th, 2006
Hey, George tagged Oliver. FYI.
September 13th, 2006
Women are so much stronger when we’re supporting each other rather than being critical of others. Glad your kiddo is doing so much better – that must have been absolute torture. (Oh and my dad was a soy milk formula kid and was VERY sick as a little one before my grandmother made the switch!)
September 13th, 2006
*EXACTLY* Mothers supporting mothers. If that cause were to be the forefront of ALL mothers, the world would go so much more smoothly.
Awesome post chickadee. I remember how upset you were while going through those rough times with O. I remember how torn you were, how overwhelmed, etc. (((hugs)))
What is comes down to not HOW we feed our children, all us mothers want pretty much the same for our children and that is to thrive and be happy and safe and feel loved…..
September 13th, 2006
(((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))
I’d zip over there in a heartbeat to have helped you out.
You DO need a break. Hang in there…..
*smooch*
September 13th, 2006
Amen, and hallelujah.
I was so lucky that neither of my spawn had any food allergies (at least none that I know of yet). But with my first (born in 1993), my milk wasn’t satisfying her, and I didn’t know what I was doing, and I had no internet for support. I gave her formula after only 3 months. I felt so guilty (at the time), but she was happy and thrived on the formula.
With my little booger (born in 2004), I had much more information and resources, even though I ended up pumping (mostly) for 11 1/2 months. I feel that I have to be very careful how I go about mentioning that, though. Just because I was able to struggle my way through it doesn’t mean that everyone can (or should).
I wish that more people were more sensitive and supportive about the breast/formula issue. If you can’t say something nice/helpful/supportive, then just don’t say anything.
September 13th, 2006
SUCH a great post and such an important message.
My girlfriend’s first daughter was actually allergic to breast milk and it took several months to identify… my girlfriend looked at me, about 3 weeks into formula and said, “You know, I like her now. I’ve always loved her, but I didn’t like her and I didn’t like myself because of it… I thought there was something wrong with me.”
We need to support each other.
September 13th, 2006
right fucking on, kath.
September 13th, 2006
oh hell yeah, you sing it, mama!
I always felt like other moms were judging my bottle, even filled with my milk as it was. I know one mother who never really got milk in. And then your story adds another layer. So many reasons why what seems right isn’t always. It pays to remember that, so thanks for the reminder.
September 13th, 2006
I’m so glad you wrote this! I am trying to keep this in mind in case breastfeeding doesn’t work, or labor goes not according to plan, or any of the many many things I worry about.
September 13th, 2006
Think of me what you will, but I have a hard time supporting two things: mothers who choose not to breastfeed despite no medical reasons to the contrary (i.e. I don’t want to/it’s not important), and parents that let their babes cry it out. Just can’t get on board.
September 14th, 2006
Amen mama. I’m all about the happy mama/happy baby school of parenting. I think we do the best we can with what we’ve got and that’s the most anyone can ask for. Three cheers for soy.
September 14th, 2006
I was pretty hardcore about breastfeeding…dare I say a tad judgemental of any other choice with my first born. But then I grew up. Breast or bottle. as long as that baby is loved, that is all that matters.
September 14th, 2006
By way of Her Bad Mother….
Thank you for this post. It’s wonderful. Mothers need support, not criticism and guilt trips when they’re just trying to get through the day and do the best that they can. I hemorrhaged after giving birth to our son and it quickly became clear to all that breastfeeding was not going to be an option. My body was just not up to producing it when it was trying to replace the blood loss. So the midwives brought us formula and helped me with pumping when some milk finally did make an appearance. And I pumped for three months (primarily on the one side that decided it would provide a bit of milk) so I could supplement his formula. Ended up being about 75-90% formula and the rest breastmilk via a bottle. The last thing I would have needed or appreciated were the ‘Why aren’t you breastfeeding?’ looks.
September 21st, 2006
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